This is f!cking hard, it feels like my world that I've worked so hard to build is falling apart in front of me
The minute you confront, everything changes, ALL AT ONCE. That is scary and it is hard. But if you do nothing, over time, your world will fall apart anyway eventually. Just not today.
If you have cancer, and you know about it, and you ignore it, you can go on living basically the same life for a while. If you decide to treat the cancer, you may immediately need surgery or chemo or radiation and the treatment will drastically affect your life. If you do nothing, your life will not change immediately but eventually as the cancer progresses, your life will change anyway, and it will almost definitely be much worse than if you had just faced it head on when you first found out. It won't just go away.
[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:00 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
So it sounds like I should try to get a hard copy of the evidence on my side first, and then do the confronting, from what I've read so far.
I had a copy of the evidence, but I didn't need it or use it in my confrontation. All that is necessary is YOUR KNOWLEDGE that she has been sexting this guy, you don't have to prove what you already know. You don't have to convince her, she already knows what she has done.
If you can easily and quickly get a copy of the hard evidence, go ahead and do it, otherwise just confront without it.
The reason I say this is because I get the sense that you are trying to put off the confrontation and are using the "obtaining hard evidence" as a way to procrastinate. It's OK if you don't want to confront now, but just say that you don't want to confront now, don't make excuses like I need hard evidence.
You want to hear a joke about procrastination?
I'll tell you later.
I don't recommend letting her know your sources, you may need them to check up on her later. Just tell her you know and you are not going to divulge your sources.
I can only tell you that it hurts much worse when you have years invested. And if she's doing it now, then she is not sure of her committment to you.
You deserve better. You deserve someone you can trust. You are young, go find her.
My WH had an A in our first year of marriage also (we just passed 1 year in May). His A was from Jan-April and I found out because I was contacted by OW boyfriend. At first WH said she was just a friend and she must have had another affair and is blaming him for it. I went back to OW BF and requested he provide me some details from texts he came across. (I never wanted to see the actual texts, but what OW BF told me was completely undeniable to me and matched up with some suspicions I had). I confronted WH with this 2 weeks after I initially found out about the A...and he couldn't deny it anymore. A flood of emotions came out of him that I had never seen before (some people say WS's can be great actors, but this was no acting. He couldn't even make himself cry throughout other traumatic situations he had been through, so I knew this was legitimate emotions). I belive WH came clean about the whole truth on this day, and we immediately went to MC and he went to IC and I am going to be too. What made me decide to stay is his complete remorse for the damage he has done to me, and the work he has been doing to uncover the "whys" and the "what did you tell yourself to make this okay".
I think that IF she is remorseful and wants to do the hard ass work its going to take, IF she becomes completely transparent, and IF she can really get down to the "WHY" then you may have a chance. You need to not sweep this under the rug and accept her first apology. She needs to show with action that she wants to stay, otherwise you need to protect yourself. I am just sharing my story because not all WS are the same. I truly believe that some really need a swift kick in the ass, and they realize the gravity of their decisions and others never really have to pay consequences and they just keep doing it over and over. I am so sorry that you are here right now, I hope everything turns out the best for YOU, however the chips fall.
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela
Annulment or divorce? WellÖ do some research on the laws in your area. Methinks that with no kids, a short marriage, shortly out of school, staying at parents, talk about rent and so on that there are really no assets and probably relatively low and simple debt. If this goes to D then Iím thinking a good and honest discussion and a couple of hours with an attorney is all thatís required. Donít think the financial aspect will be a real issue.
The real problems I see are the following:
Often a WS does not see anything other than direct, physical contact as infidelity. In fact we have seen numerous cases here on SI where the WS maintains the online/phone activity was actually done to stimulate the sex-life in the marriage. I venture that your WW will claim that it isnít infidelity Ė that what she did didnít cross any border.
To deal with this I would strongly suggest you and she both commit to reading Not Just Friends by the late Shirley Glass. Do the exercises, discuss the chapters.
Her repeat fallback to this guy.
This is a pattern that needs to be broken. Heís a former BF and heís the cause to two other breakups in her pastÖ Why did THEY break-up? Why arenít THEY together? How did he impact break-ups in her former relationships? Whatís his current relationship situation?
Make it perfectly clear to her that sheís totally free to see him. She can vibrate into the sunset for all you care with him on SkypeÖ BUTÖ not as your wife.
If she canít commit to total and accountable NC with him then you simply assume the marriage is over. Chances are she will commit to NC. Chances are she will break it at first. You have to find the strength to keep on walking out of infidelity no matter what Ė with or without her.
I would seriously consider being open about the situation to her parents. I have a feeling that there is an underlying issue in her that needs to be addressed. Most normal people want the best for their kids and it sounds as if her parentís think you are OK, they might know something about OM that will help apply pressure to why she should do the right thing.
NC, counseling, transparency, exposure, etc. Just ideas.
Deny her the ability to "explain," or keep lying to you.
She can talk to her xbf, but not while married to you.
As an aside. Are you sure you really want her as your W ? It is scary to move on. Don't mistake familiarity for safety.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Obviously, she's never left the fog of OM, so her tearful promise means essentially nothing. That makes you Sherlock Holmes all the time with all media. Buying a vibrator at his request makes her the Sub and him the Dom. I'd suspect video sex via Skype or the like is the real reason. I'll bet its the silent kind.
Being told in this setting that you are sexually inadequate is either a calculated means to have you run away forever or a startling revelation that she actually believes. I'd question her on that, even though you'll never be sure she's telling the truth to you.
You haven't been married too long. As a lawyer, I can tell you that getting out now is far less complicated than doing so after kids, mortgage, common debts, etc. The last place you want to be is in divorce court 4 years from now with an unfaithful wife and paying me to be there with you in the numerous hearings and bullshit you have to go through.
And let me tell you something else. You are approaching 30. If you are not attached and have a good job and no child support to pay, you will have to beat the women away with a baseball bat real soon.
Every 30ish single woman who knows her "sell by" date is approaching and every married woman with a girlfriend so situated will view you as a prime target. There are nice women out there, even those who have matured out of their Bad Boy stage, who will be very happy to be courted by you. They won't be skyeping their ex BF or having multi-partner lesbian fantasies.
Your wife, as I started this rant with, is neck deep in issues that you cannot resolve for her. Why is she fixated on exBF? Why have on online A with him this soon in the M? Why does she try to destroy your self confidence with very negative comments about you? Why does she entertain some lesbian fantasy and tell you until that happens she doesn't want to have sex with you? You cannot answer these questions.
Two more points. First, separate your finances to protect you from her needing to buy a last minute high fare plane ticket to go to exBF. Or otherwise spend a bunch of money, drain the bank account, etc., leaving you scrambling to pay necessary bills.
Second, Go talk to a lawyer about what divorce is all about. For someone in your situation, it usually is no big deal, no matter how much she would like to fight and destroy you. Do this now as knowledge is power. Even if somehow you never file, you should gather knowledge when entering strange territory. IF you're in a no fault state, you need no proof of wrongdoing.
P.S. No remorse, no MC. Just not worth the effort and money per many, many posters here.
Your priority right now is to protect and heal yourself from her bullshit. Its going to take some time and work on your part. I suggest you see an I/C and get on some meds if needed. Depression is certainly a byproduct of being cheated on. Don't discount the affects it has on ones life. Lean on real life friends and family for support. And whatever you do, don't keep her dirty little secrets. Tell people the truth when they ask why the M ended. If you don't she is just going to make up some unflattering lies as to how YOU were responsible. Don't give her any further opportunities to hurt you. Cut her off completely. This includes financial, emotional and any other support from you that she has come to rely on. Don't make any deals or concessions either. Once she is gone she is gone for good. There cab be no friendship after she goes. After all friends don't intentionally hurt one another do they ? Play this smart and don't take any shit. You will come out on top and smelling like a rose if you just follow the simple advise given to you from people who have been there. Your situation is not unique, matter of fact her behaviors are rather textbook WS bull. I know it feels like your the only guy in the world going through this, but your not. We all have been there bro. Learn from our mistakes and you will be OK. Best of luck, keep posting and reading.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
So let me see if I understand this correctly. One year into marriage:
(1) still communicating with old boyfriends and will not stop
(2) sexting with old boyfriend and will not stop
(3) regards you as lousy lover and not exciting enough in bed
(4) buying sex toys to practice with other men
(5) wants to explore bi sexual side to practice sex
Yet she wants a great relationship with you. As, what, her roommate?????
You have to decide if you want to live in an open marriage or not, because in case you have not figured it out you are in one now. At this point in your relationship, you have a zero chance of her being faithful to you.
As Bigger and Scheduenfreude have just told you, at your age and with no kids i am just at a loss as to what on earth you are thinking. If
I think you should look up Polyamory or Cuckold and that is where you unfortunately are headed.
For her to not think what she has been doing is cheating makes me wonder how crazy she really is. She wants her other boyfriend to fuck and you to be her husband. If that sounds good to you, just do nothing and enjoy yourself and accept it. There are websites that can help you try to accept her adultery and love her. i do not think you will get much support for that here.
Sorry for the 2 x 4, but you need a jolt to get out of this relationship pronto.
[This message edited by Badhurt at 7:34 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]