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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Broken and just found out
Crono
♂ New Member
Member # 44383
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it sounds like I should try to get a hard copy of the evidence on my side first, and then do the confronting, from what I've read so far. I am in total agreement with not letting her "choose" I will fix that wording for the big talk. If she doesn't want to try and fix things then I am gone, I will pack up my stuff, pile it into my car and leave her parents house back to my home. From there I will get the annulment and start sorting our stuff. The whole splitting up all of our stuff thing sounds hard, I'm almost willing to just give it all to her so I don't have to worry about any ties to her if we do indeed separate. This is f!cking hard, it feels like my world that I've worked so hard to build is falling apart in front of me


Don't give up

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Mccall id
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is f!cking hard, it feels like my world that I've worked so hard to build is falling apart in front of me

The minute you confront, everything changes, ALL AT ONCE. That is scary and it is hard. But if you do nothing, over time, your world will fall apart anyway eventually. Just not today.

If you have cancer, and you know about it, and you ignore it, you can go on living basically the same life for a while. If you decide to treat the cancer, you may immediately need surgery or chemo or radiation and the treatment will drastically affect your life. If you do nothing, your life will not change immediately but eventually as the cancer progresses, your life will change anyway, and it will almost definitely be much worse than if you had just faced it head on when you first found out. It won't just go away.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:00 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jul 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it sounds like I should try to get a hard copy of the evidence on my side first, and then do the confronting, from what I've read so far.

I had a copy of the evidence, but I didn't need it or use it in my confrontation. All that is necessary is YOUR KNOWLEDGE that she has been sexting this guy, you don't have to prove what you already know. You don't have to convince her, she already knows what she has done.

If you can easily and quickly get a copy of the hard evidence, go ahead and do it, otherwise just confront without it.

The reason I say this is because I get the sense that you are trying to put off the confrontation and are using the "obtaining hard evidence" as a way to procrastinate. It's OK if you don't want to confront now, but just say that you don't want to confront now, don't make excuses like I need hard evidence.

You want to hear a joke about procrastination?

I'll tell you later.

I don't recommend letting her know your sources, you may need them to check up on her later. Just tell her you know and you are not going to divulge your sources.


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jul 2014
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he needs the evidence to get an annulment? IANAL


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
blindsided81
♀ Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but if this happening this early, run. Run hard and fast to the nearest lawyer.

I can only tell you that it hurts much worse when you have years invested. And if she's doing it now, then she is not sure of her committment to you.

You deserve better. You deserve someone you can trust. You are young, go find her.


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crono)))

My WH had an A in our first year of marriage also (we just passed 1 year in May). His A was from Jan-April and I found out because I was contacted by OW boyfriend. At first WH said she was just a friend and she must have had another affair and is blaming him for it. I went back to OW BF and requested he provide me some details from texts he came across. (I never wanted to see the actual texts, but what OW BF told me was completely undeniable to me and matched up with some suspicions I had). I confronted WH with this 2 weeks after I initially found out about the A...and he couldn't deny it anymore. A flood of emotions came out of him that I had never seen before (some people say WS's can be great actors, but this was no acting. He couldn't even make himself cry throughout other traumatic situations he had been through, so I knew this was legitimate emotions). I belive WH came clean about the whole truth on this day, and we immediately went to MC and he went to IC and I am going to be too. What made me decide to stay is his complete remorse for the damage he has done to me, and the work he has been doing to uncover the "whys" and the "what did you tell yourself to make this okay".

I think that IF she is remorseful and wants to do the hard ass work its going to take, IF she becomes completely transparent, and IF she can really get down to the "WHY" then you may have a chance. You need to not sweep this under the rug and accept her first apology. She needs to show with action that she wants to stay, otherwise you need to protect yourself. I am just sharing my story because not all WS are the same. I truly believe that some really need a swift kick in the ass, and they realize the gravity of their decisions and others never really have to pay consequences and they just keep doing it over and over. I am so sorry that you are here right now, I hope everything turns out the best for YOU, however the chips fall.

xoxo
NAAA


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jul 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should add too that my WH and I have had a good relationship over the past 5 years, and I thought things were getting bad these past few months, now I realize he was pushing me away. But he has been clear that his A had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our marriage and everything to do with his own f***ed up mindset about himself. He was only thinking about how to make himself feel better about himself, and this backfired big time because he now feels horrible for hurting me who is the only person who has been supportive of him his whole life. I look at him and see someone broken. our situation isn't a case of "cold feet" or being "disrespectful" to me. IDK if that makes sense, I just wanted to throw in another perspective in case your WW ends up having lots of issues and discovers that this doesn't have to do with you.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jul 2014
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really donĎt get the need for ďhardĒ proof.
All the proof you need is that YOU are convinced. After that there really isnít need for anything more.
Itís a bit like looking at a fire and waiting for an ember to fall off so you can show the flames itís a fireÖ It wonít change the fact itís a fire, it wonít change the fire and the fire possibly refusing itís a fire wonít change the fact itís a fire.

Annulment or divorce? WellÖ do some research on the laws in your area. Methinks that with no kids, a short marriage, shortly out of school, staying at parents, talk about rent and so on that there are really no assets and probably relatively low and simple debt. If this goes to D then Iím thinking a good and honest discussion and a couple of hours with an attorney is all thatís required. Donít think the financial aspect will be a real issue.

The real problems I see are the following:
Often a WS does not see anything other than direct, physical contact as infidelity. In fact we have seen numerous cases here on SI where the WS maintains the online/phone activity was actually done to stimulate the sex-life in the marriage. I venture that your WW will claim that it isnít infidelity Ė that what she did didnít cross any border.
Wrong.
To deal with this I would strongly suggest you and she both commit to reading Not Just Friends by the late Shirley Glass. Do the exercises, discuss the chapters.

Her repeat fallback to this guy.
This is a pattern that needs to be broken. Heís a former BF and heís the cause to two other breakups in her pastÖ Why did THEY break-up? Why arenít THEY together? How did he impact break-ups in her former relationships? Whatís his current relationship situation?

Make it perfectly clear to her that sheís totally free to see him. She can vibrate into the sunset for all you care with him on SkypeÖ BUTÖ not as your wife.

If she canít commit to total and accountable NC with him then you simply assume the marriage is over. Chances are she will commit to NC. Chances are she will break it at first. You have to find the strength to keep on walking out of infidelity no matter what Ė with or without her.

I would seriously consider being open about the situation to her parents. I have a feeling that there is an underlying issue in her that needs to be addressed. Most normal people want the best for their kids and it sounds as if her parentís think you are OK, they might know something about OM that will help apply pressure to why she should do the right thing.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not not negotiate with her. Stay firm on what you need.

NC, counseling, transparency, exposure, etc. Just ideas.

Deny her the ability to "explain," or keep lying to you.

She can talk to her xbf, but not while married to you.

As an aside. Are you sure you really want her as your W ? It is scary to move on. Don't mistake familiarity for safety.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2568 | Registered: May 2010
Crono
♂ New Member
Member # 44383
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the support and advice, it's time to finally confront, I'm doing it. I'll post on how it goes. I can't keep it in anymore, as much as this is going to suck it'll feel good to get it out.


Don't give up

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Mccall id
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was just checking back in to see how you are doing. I hope you DO confront her and that you hold firm to what you need to be in a relationship with her! I know (as we all do) that things will get worse before they get better, but please know that this is the first step in taking back your control over what kind of relationship you choose to be in with her! You are absolutely doing the right thing even though it will hurt like hell and it sucks that her selfish choices led you here. Please let us know how it goes!!


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck and don't let her gaslight you.
Be as cool and calm as possible.
I know easier said than done.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is unreal not even one year in.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Crono
♂ New Member
Member # 44383
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I confronted her about it. She displayed a lot of the classic symptoms as described here. I'm glad I found this place it helped me recognize a lot of the emotions and actions that she projected. I sat her down and told her she needed to be completely honest and then proceeded to ask her to tell me everything about the relationship she was having with the OM. She denied it at first, saying they just talked and that was it. Then I proceeded to tell her that I was very aware of what was going on. That was a game changer I didn't even have to go into details. She admitted to the whole thing and listened to me as I told her about how much it hurt me. She said she didn't think that what she was doing was cheating, although once I explained it to her from my point of view she agreed that what she was doing wasn't right. She stated that she was an awful person, and that she did it because she feels miserable. When I told her to end it or that I would leave the marriage she told me she would end things and never speak to the OM again. She listened to how upset this has made me and I listened to her tell me how bad she felt about it. We then talked about why she was doing it in the first place and she said it was because she has been miserable for a long time. She doesn't view me as a lover, and says she feels that I am "too nice." She also doesn't think that I am a leader which is strange because I have to be a strong leader for my job. She said she misses having mind blowing sex and that she has never had that with me, and that she would rather me have a bunch of sex with other women to learn how to have good sex before having sex with me again. She was very upset telling me all of this, she wanted to tell me all these things for a long time but feels like she will hurt my feelings if she did. She wants to work it out, and she wants our relationship to be great. So now I need to decide where to go to from here. I want it to be a great relationship too, is reconciliation possible?


Don't give up

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Mccall id
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I correctly read the last few sentences? If what she is saying is true, she has a boatload of issues to work through for herself while you will be Plan B sitting on the sidelines waiting to be called to play in her game. And I presume contributing to her support while doing so.

Obviously, she's never left the fog of OM, so her tearful promise means essentially nothing. That makes you Sherlock Holmes all the time with all media. Buying a vibrator at his request makes her the Sub and him the Dom. I'd suspect video sex via Skype or the like is the real reason. I'll bet its the silent kind.

Being told in this setting that you are sexually inadequate is either a calculated means to have you run away forever or a startling revelation that she actually believes. I'd question her on that, even though you'll never be sure she's telling the truth to you.

You haven't been married too long. As a lawyer, I can tell you that getting out now is far less complicated than doing so after kids, mortgage, common debts, etc. The last place you want to be is in divorce court 4 years from now with an unfaithful wife and paying me to be there with you in the numerous hearings and bullshit you have to go through.

And let me tell you something else. You are approaching 30. If you are not attached and have a good job and no child support to pay, you will have to beat the women away with a baseball bat real soon.
Every 30ish single woman who knows her "sell by" date is approaching and every married woman with a girlfriend so situated will view you as a prime target. There are nice women out there, even those who have matured out of their Bad Boy stage, who will be very happy to be courted by you. They won't be skyeping their ex BF or having multi-partner lesbian fantasies.

Your wife, as I started this rant with, is neck deep in issues that you cannot resolve for her. Why is she fixated on exBF? Why have on online A with him this soon in the M? Why does she try to destroy your self confidence with very negative comments about you? Why does she entertain some lesbian fantasy and tell you until that happens she doesn't want to have sex with you? You cannot answer these questions.

Two more points. First, separate your finances to protect you from her needing to buy a last minute high fare plane ticket to go to exBF. Or otherwise spend a bunch of money, drain the bank account, etc., leaving you scrambling to pay necessary bills.

Second, Go talk to a lawyer about what divorce is all about. For someone in your situation, it usually is no big deal, no matter how much she would like to fight and destroy you. Do this now as knowledge is power. Even if somehow you never file, you should gather knowledge when entering strange territory. IF you're in a no fault state, you need no proof of wrongdoing.

P.S. No remorse, no MC. Just not worth the effort and money per many, many posters here.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, the above poster hit the nail on the head. I suggest you follow his advice to the letter. Bottom line is she does not love you. She is in love with the fantasy that is the OM. Of course its all a bunch of bullshit lies, but that's what she is in love with. The only recourse you have now is to protect yourself legally and emotionally. Forget about her because she is too far gone right now. She has her head shoved so far up the OM's ass she's not coming back. You must force her to experience the consequences of her actions. Trust me once reality sets in she in for a big surprise. And don't be surprised if she doesn't come running back begging for forgiveness as soon as the A implodes. But don't allow her back in unless she fixes herself. Otherwise she is only going to cheat again. She must endure the penalties of cheating on you. Under no circumstances allow her to walk back in without doing the hard work of fixing herself.

Your priority right now is to protect and heal yourself from her bullshit. Its going to take some time and work on your part. I suggest you see an I/C and get on some meds if needed. Depression is certainly a byproduct of being cheated on. Don't discount the affects it has on ones life. Lean on real life friends and family for support. And whatever you do, don't keep her dirty little secrets. Tell people the truth when they ask why the M ended. If you don't she is just going to make up some unflattering lies as to how YOU were responsible. Don't give her any further opportunities to hurt you. Cut her off completely. This includes financial, emotional and any other support from you that she has come to rely on. Don't make any deals or concessions either. Once she is gone she is gone for good. There cab be no friendship after she goes. After all friends don't intentionally hurt one another do they ? Play this smart and don't take any shit. You will come out on top and smelling like a rose if you just follow the simple advise given to you from people who have been there. Your situation is not unique, matter of fact her behaviors are rather textbook WS bull. I know it feels like your the only guy in the world going through this, but your not. We all have been there bro. Learn from our mistakes and you will be OK. Best of luck, keep posting and reading.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5749 | Registered: Nov 2007
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what your WW said, your not her lover, your more like a brother.
She wants you to have multiple affairs of your own so that you can better please her?
Your WW has no clue what marriage is all about.
Continue with the annulment and move on.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 485 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I confronted her about it. She displayed a lot of the classic symptoms as described here. I'm glad I found this place it helped me recognize a lot of the emotions and actions that she projected. I sat her down and told her she needed to be completely honest and then proceeded to ask her to tell me everything about the relationship she was having with the OM. She denied it at first, saying they just talked and that was it. Then I proceeded to tell her that I was very aware of what was going on. That was a game changer I didn't even have to go into details. She admitted to the whole thing and listened to me as I told her about how much it hurt me. She said she didn't think that what she was doing was cheating, although once I explained it to her from my point of view she agreed that what she was doing wasn't right. She stated that she was an awful person, and that she did it because she feels miserable. When I told her to end it or that I would leave the marriage she told me she would end things and never speak to the OM again. She listened to how upset this has made me and I listened to her tell me how bad she felt about it. We then talked about why she was doing it in the first place and she said it was because she has been miserable for a long time. She doesn't view me as a lover, and says she feels that I am "too nice." She also doesn't think that I am a leader which is strange because I have to be a strong leader for my job. She said she misses having mind blowing sex and that she has never had that with me, and that she would rather me have a bunch of sex with other women to learn how to have good sex before having sex with me again. She was very upset telling me all of this, she wanted to tell me all these things for a long time but feels like she will hurt my feelings if she did. She wants to work it out, and she wants our relationship to be great. So now I need to decide where to go to from here. I want it to be a great relationship too, is reconciliation possible?
Don't give up

So let me see if I understand this correctly. One year into marriage:
(1) still communicating with old boyfriends and will not stop
(2) sexting with old boyfriend and will not stop
(3) regards you as lousy lover and not exciting enough in bed
(4) buying sex toys to practice with other men
(5) wants to explore bi sexual side to practice sex

Yet she wants a great relationship with you. As, what, her roommate?????

You have to decide if you want to live in an open marriage or not, because in case you have not figured it out you are in one now. At this point in your relationship, you have a zero chance of her being faithful to you.

As Bigger and Scheduenfreude have just told you, at your age and with no kids i am just at a loss as to what on earth you are thinking. If

I think you should look up Polyamory or Cuckold and that is where you unfortunately are headed.

For her to not think what she has been doing is cheating makes me wonder how crazy she really is. She wants her other boyfriend to fuck and you to be her husband. If that sounds good to you, just do nothing and enjoy yourself and accept it. There are websites that can help you try to accept her adultery and love her. i do not think you will get much support for that here.

Sorry for the 2 x 4, but you need a jolt to get out of this relationship pronto.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 7:34 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crono she has given you a gift she has revealed who she really is not even after a year???
Sorry you have a bad accident and she is in contact with other men.
Like the voice told the priest in ammityville horror GET OUT!!!
She is so broken or just plain nuts either way see a lawyer.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cromo, it sounds as though you should not have M your WW. She has been unhappy since before the two of you walked down the aisle. I am so sorry for you. I can only see all the negative things that she has said to you. How do you feel when you cant be intimate with her? Every person needs that affection and love to connect. Why has she said that she wants to try to have a good marriage, maybe because her father who paid for the huge wedding would kick her backside for it if she admitted to not wanting to be married.
I am so very very sorry I dont want to give you any more pain than what you are feeling now but I truly dont believe that she loves you. I think that when she finally admits to not loving you then you will be able to walk away without looking back.
My brother was in a similar situation, with his WW, there were small issues that came up before they got M but they too put them down to pre wedding jitters. They too had a big wedding just like you and during the ceremony instead of saying I take you ........ to be my husband she said I take you .... ex boyfriend's name. They too had sex issues her not wanting any. Things went on a downward spiral and within 18 months they were divorced. She finally admitted she didnt love him. He was angry that she had wasted over 2 years of his life and cost him a lot of money, thankfully no children. He is a good guy just like you, he worked 2 jobs to save his money.
The other poster that said girls will be knocking down your door is right. It didnt take my brother long to move on and find someone who truly thinks that he is the best thing since sliced bread.
In saying all of the above this is just my opinion and you may have an entirely different plan of action. Look after yourself do not try and rescue your wife SHE needs to work on herself. Dont let her turn this around and blame you which is something that often occurs in these situations.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2014
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