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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Broken and just found out
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think some of you guys are reading Crono's post wrong, I think his wife told HIM to go fool around (cheat on her) with some other women so HE can get some sexual experience and be a more experienced lover before she would want to have sex with him again.

she would rather me have a bunch of sex with other women to learn how to have good sex before having sex with me again

Which, by the way, is bullshit. She is perfectly capable of telling you what she wants and doesn't want.

Tell her you can't be a mind-reader and you can't understand vague statements about being "too nice" and about "not being a leader." She has to tell you specifically what she means and what she wants, even if it is uncomfortable. Meanwhile, if you feel what she is saying is without any merit and she is just trying to blame you, you've got to stand up for yourself and set her straight. Tell her you are willing to work on your part of the marriage, and she will have to work on her part, but first and foremost she has to re-commit to the marriage fully and completely and forever put an end to this affair.

See if she will send the other man a "no contact" message, with you getting to look at it first and reject if if it's not what you want. It should tell other man she never wants any contact with him again, that she is ashamed of her actions, and feels terrible because of how she hurt you, and that's about it, no "I will always thing of you fondly," no terms of endearment, just beginning with "To Other Man's Name" and ending with "Signed, Your Wife's Name.

She also should be willing to let you see all of her communication accounts, have passwords She probably should change her phone number, block other man on social media and email and phone. Whatever you feel is necessary.


Posts: 324 | Registered: Jul 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crono, you're less than a year out. This situation is something that has developed in less than a year.

What happens after there are kids involved?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2869 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crono,

Now imagine if your best friend was telling the story you told to you. What would be your advice to him?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wrong. She did tell him to bang lots of other women and not that she wanted to. But that does not change my opinion or advice one little bit.

A marriage is not a life sentence without chance of parole. You can take relatively simple action to free yourself and I believe the time to do so is now not later. Life brings complications as time passes. You are relatively free of those complications now. You can move on and be free. If a child is involved, you will not be free.

How can you trust her? She is obsessed with OM and has ben for a long time. She disrespects and belittles you in your most vulnerable minutes. You can never forgive or forget what she said in all likelihood. That is not a foundation for a happy marriage.

Think long and hard about what to do. My advice stands pat.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wrong. I double posted again. Damn tablet.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 6:30 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
syhoybenden
♂ New Member
Member # 44406
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"She said she misses having mind blowing sex and that she has never had that with me, and that she would rather me have a bunch of sex with other women to learn how to have good sex before having sex with me again. "

Sounds to me like she might be feeling guilty about having had relations with someone else and needs you to do the same so you don't have the moral advantage over her. If so, that's pretty messed up thinking. No good can come of it.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: ontario canada
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to try to repair this marriage, you should read the Healing Library,,especially he BS/FAQ section. Wk55hn has some suggestions here,,too.

However, it does not appear that your WW feels anything but regret yet. Regret that she was outed from Fantasyland. Dont mistake regret and tears for remorse which is genuine sorrow for how she has made you feel by her choice. Without regret, the oonventional wisdom here is no reconciliation possible. I cannot speak to false reconciliation, but there are many breads addressing that.

If there is an attempt to reconcile, you are looking at much hard work and many tears.

Yet my advise still stands pat. Do. It dismiss the thought of divorce.

And, not the wedding she wanted. Because the wrong actor played the role of groom? I'd get some clarity on that, too, just to have a full picture.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:29 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crono, I want to tell you a little story.

My H had a 2 year affair, my DD was 4/28/13, so a little over 15 months ago, though I knew it in my gut 18 out of the actual 24 months of the A.

The OW had been a "friend" of ours for over 13 years, she and her husband as a couple, then just her alone after their divorce.

Over the course of the years, she confided many things to me about her life. She had absolutely NO boundaries, and actually is a diagnosed sociopath.

She told me numerous times she cheated on her H ONE WEEK before the wedding. She also told me many times she "hated him the day she married him", but in her sick mind it was time to move on, get a house, have a baby, and he was "there."

The way she treated him during their marriage was awful. He was totally emasculated by the time she divorced him. I could go on and on about all the things she did to him, but just suffice it to say if he had 20 happy days in their whole marriage I'd be flabbergasted.

I just spoke to him last week, and he told me "he couldn't believe how happy he was to be in a normal, real relationship, and how happy he was to be away from the evil that she was". It was very insidious, the way she treated him, slowly became a pattern he really didn't see over the years.

Just something to think about. Sociopaths can be quite charming when they want to be; people are generally floored when they find out who/what they really are.

Google "symptoms of a sociopath. You may be amazed. . . .


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 21 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT since then
Trying hard for R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 48
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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