she would rather me have a bunch of sex with other women to learn how to have good sex before having sex with me again
Which, by the way, is bullshit. She is perfectly capable of telling you what she wants and doesn't want.
Tell her you can't be a mind-reader and you can't understand vague statements about being "too nice" and about "not being a leader." She has to tell you specifically what she means and what she wants, even if it is uncomfortable. Meanwhile, if you feel what she is saying is without any merit and she is just trying to blame you, you've got to stand up for yourself and set her straight. Tell her you are willing to work on your part of the marriage, and she will have to work on her part, but first and foremost she has to re-commit to the marriage fully and completely and forever put an end to this affair.
See if she will send the other man a "no contact" message, with you getting to look at it first and reject if if it's not what you want. It should tell other man she never wants any contact with him again, that she is ashamed of her actions, and feels terrible because of how she hurt you, and that's about it, no "I will always thing of you fondly," no terms of endearment, just beginning with "To Other Man's Name" and ending with "Signed, Your Wife's Name.
She also should be willing to let you see all of her communication accounts, have passwords She probably should change her phone number, block other man on social media and email and phone. Whatever you feel is necessary.
What happens after there are kids involved?
Now imagine if your best friend was telling the story you told to you. What would be your advice to him?
A marriage is not a life sentence without chance of parole. You can take relatively simple action to free yourself and I believe the time to do so is now not later. Life brings complications as time passes. You are relatively free of those complications now. You can move on and be free. If a child is involved, you will not be free.
How can you trust her? She is obsessed with OM and has ben for a long time. She disrespects and belittles you in your most vulnerable minutes. You can never forgive or forget what she said in all likelihood. That is not a foundation for a happy marriage.
Think long and hard about what to do. My advice stands pat.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 6:30 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]
Sounds to me like she might be feeling guilty about having had relations with someone else and needs you to do the same so you don't have the moral advantage over her. If so, that's pretty messed up thinking. No good can come of it.
However, it does not appear that your WW feels anything but regret yet. Regret that she was outed from Fantasyland. Dont mistake regret and tears for remorse which is genuine sorrow for how she has made you feel by her choice. Without regret, the oonventional wisdom here is no reconciliation possible. I cannot speak to false reconciliation, but there are many breads addressing that.
If there is an attempt to reconcile, you are looking at much hard work and many tears.
Yet my advise still stands pat. Do. It dismiss the thought of divorce.
And, not the wedding she wanted. Because the wrong actor played the role of groom? I'd get some clarity on that, too, just to have a full picture.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:29 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]
My H had a 2 year affair, my DD was 4/28/13, so a little over 15 months ago, though I knew it in my gut 18 out of the actual 24 months of the A.
The OW had been a "friend" of ours for over 13 years, she and her husband as a couple, then just her alone after their divorce.
Over the course of the years, she confided many things to me about her life. She had absolutely NO boundaries, and actually is a diagnosed sociopath.
She told me numerous times she cheated on her H ONE WEEK before the wedding. She also told me many times she "hated him the day she married him", but in her sick mind it was time to move on, get a house, have a baby, and he was "there."
The way she treated him during their marriage was awful. He was totally emasculated by the time she divorced him. I could go on and on about all the things she did to him, but just suffice it to say if he had 20 happy days in their whole marriage I'd be flabbergasted.
I just spoke to him last week, and he told me "he couldn't believe how happy he was to be in a normal, real relationship, and how happy he was to be away from the evil that she was". It was very insidious, the way she treated him, slowly became a pattern he really didn't see over the years.
Just something to think about. Sociopaths can be quite charming when they want to be; people are generally floored when they find out who/what they really are.
Google "symptoms of a sociopath. You may be amazed. . . .