SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General
question for law enforcement
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Please refrain from making general statements about specific groups. It is against site guidelines.
GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.
General reminder to all:
Generalizing is against site guidelines. Many of your posts are teetering on the line. Please speak of your own situations and do not make blanket statements about all LEOs. Thank you.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:00 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
Apologies to all. My intention was not to classify all LEO in one manner or another.
I would report that in a second; particularly if he's doing it on duty. I've seen guys get demoted and/or fired for that. F'em. I don't want to work with people that brazen about it. If I need help, you better not take a second longer because you're pulling your pants up.
In my work I work closely for a long period of time with a lot of different professionals in every field.
I haven't found one that is more or less prone to cheating these days.
What I have found is that cheating is rising at an alarming rate over the past 14 years. Everywhere.
Some psychologists and sociologists have speculated that the rise in cheating correlates directly with the rise in tech toys because cell phones, computers, etc, make it much easier to cheat, for a longer while, at least until the person is caught.
IMO, a cell phone is a huge culprit because you can buy burner phones, and even a person's regular cell can be a password protected hotline.
Also, the people having affairs can text and email, even as they lay snuggled in bed with their spouse watching TV, as mine did.
What a horrible situation you WW threw you into. You stated that you'd spoken to an attorney. You should consider your personal safety in the event this super mega clusterfrock gets exposed in a public manner. It's like an unexploded bomb waiting to detonate.
As widespread as you stated this pattern and practice is amongst your WW's colleagues and co-workers, somewhere the truth will find bubble up into the sunlight. If not your, some other BS will get divorced and name APs or call them as witnesses. Another very possible scenario could be someone filing a wrongful termination or sexual harassment lawsuit.
Protect your evidence too, in multiple safe places online and IRL and make sure you give copies to your attorney. Think about getting a bank safe deposit box for evidence. Maybe you should make arrangements with a law firm outside your jurisdiction with instructions to make it all public if anything happens to you. Sort of an insurance policy.
Does your WW show any remorse for how she betrayed you and hurt you? Does she have a clue?
[This message edited by Want2babettrme at 11:30 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]
Bigger and others-
I either roll my eyes or cringe, depending, when broad generalizations are made on a variety of topics. On the other hand, there have been valid studies which explore types of people gravitating toward certain professions. If you just google narcissist & profession you may beging to see the voluminous information on the subject. An excert from one author sums up some of what I have read and experienced in my life travels:
The following is a list of the kinds of professions and positions the narcissist prefers:
Doctor or Nurse
Child Protection Worker
Volunteer positions in which they play “Selfless Saint, the Hero Rescuer”
While of course, many people in these positions are not narcissistic, many narcissistic people are in these positions. These roles offer plenty of power over others, and lots of narcissistic supply for pretending to be a leader, an authority, or a rescuer.
People in positions of power can be dangerous. That is why there is heightened concern and downright fear of the % of the LEO community that are bad.
While I understand totalheartbreak's view, as well as Bigger and the rest, I don't see it so much as a particular profession per se, but as an organizational liability. It's strange that this "high school mentality" occurs in police forces, fire departments, schools, and in my case, the phone company, at an alarming rate. I believe many work environments foster behavior that leads to adultery and abuses of power.
Too many happy hours after work to celebrate whom ever's birthday, or retirement, or promotion; bowling teams or softball leagues with a little drinking afterwards; opportunities for a private lunch or drinks after a meeting across town;
continuous flirting, suggestive comments and sexual innuendos all day being acceptable; all leads to an environment that resembles a frat house more than a work place. Immaturity, insecurity, peer pressure to be accepted in the "group" ?
It's disturbing that cheating is usually the norm in so many of these jobs.
These are all simply excuses because you ultimately are the one making the decision.
It's disturbing that cheating is usually the norm in so many of these jobs.
There is no proof of this. It's a bad statement to make. The divorce rate among LEOs is high, but there are no statistics regarding infidelity, and I'd be surprised if it were any higher than the general public.
I was married to a LEO for 33 years. I know a lot of LEOs as friends and relatives. The X is the only one the I KNOW cheated. For the most part, their marriages are intact also.
Most law enforcement organizations have a code of conduct, but due to the nature of their work and the trust involved (albeit misplaced in the case of infidelity) they tend to protect each other. They usually only face consequences when whatever they did hits the headlines. However, there are internal demotions, loss of vacation time, lack of promotions, etc. that the general public does not hear about. I personally know someone who is banned from returning to NY due to his actions, but it's never been made public.
Actions do have consequences. You just may not be privy to them.
My fWW had her A with the local deputy police chief. I had evidence that the A took place on duty time and that he used the police email/blackberry to do the dirty/disgusting sexting with her.
He is a LEO in a small town crooked police force. I reported him to the Chief of Police, I had proof/documentation, he interviewed my wife to confirm, and then he only gave him a slap on the wrist.
All the Chief was worried about was NOT brining IA into it. I didn't realize what he was doing at the time. Turns out, he is just as crooked as the deputy. He runs a private business on duty time. If he busted the deputy, the he might get into trouble too.
She sure can pick 'em.
There are LEO's that are jerks just like there are welders, truck drivers, engineers, secretaries, nurses, and etc... that are jerks. Having been a cop, many are repulsed by this type of behavior and believe the lack of character makes for a poor police officer. I fully expect to get flack for some of my post. If it makes a difference, my ww was a cop too (with a cop from another department). She committed to me and my requirements and our marriage survived (10 plus years since DD). The other (don't like to say man) s.o.b. didn't make it. His lack of character finished his career early.
I think you should report the on-duty issues and let the chips fall. If the bad ones are weeded out your local department will be that much the better. If its not enough for termination then at least their files will be a little bit thicker the next time something comes up.
I know "its part of the job" but cops see the worst of the worst on a daily basis. Try carrying a sexually assualted and murdered four year old to the coroner without strangling the P.O.S that did it and not have it change you and then on your next sheet have to listen to someone tell you that all cops are turds that are only doing the job for power and selfish reasons. Even reading it on a message board is frustrating. Think about that next time you wonder why cops isolate themselves. Most are just trying to get through life and do some good along the way.
Be mad at your spouse and the accomplice and know that several cops would be glad to see them gone. Good luck to you and hope peace returns to your life soon.
I'm dating a police officer who tells me stories about what some of the guys/gals do. But I have to say, you will find narcissists in every profession! I have known many folks who were cheated on- and the WS were not all LEOs.. One is in the dental field, a few computer programmers, a teacher, an executive for a bank, others in sales.
It can happen in any work environment. I know your story is the most painful for you- but it really is everywhere.
I understand the concern some have expressed over LEO's.
However, I think we need to consider a culture of corruption can take root in any organization.
When I went through military training there was a strong climate against even the appearance of harassment. Yet other bases, even other smaller units, had more permissive environments.
I knew a guy who worked at a hospital where the inappropriate behavior was rampant. Other hospitals, office nowhere near so bad. I think some police departments can become like that as well, but really it can happen any group of people. So if a member says that is their experience I see it as an indication of the leadership in that department and not about the profession.
One of my training officers said to us...
It only takes one "Oh shit!" to erase 10 "Attaboys"
He shared this on the heels of the Abu Graib scandal. That military prison was a corrupt environment and not managed/led the right way (understatement, I know).
To the LEOs on SI you have helped me fight off those irrational misconceptions that have crept up on me at times. Thank you.
Former Prosecutor Here
Having an affair is not a fireable offnse for LEO where I was a Prosecutor. Using public property to do so will get a sanction, but is unlikely to cost an Officer with an otherwise clean record their job. You can probably fine the union contract online, and that may contain language regarding to discipline.
What I would suggest is asking what yoy are trying to accomplish.
PM if you have something you don't want share here.
Happy to help.
Please adhere to the site guidelines.
Do not solicit members to send you private messages using the forums.
I'm in the business and I can tell you yes indeed there is a code of ethics and other Rules and regulations regarding. It is also very frowned-upon by the peers. Something happening like that in our region would be a serious offence. Conduct unbecoming or anything that reflects poorly on the agency is taken very seriously.
Someone screwing in the back of a patrol car while on duty would seriously piss off the brothers and sisters who put there ass on the line everyday trying to earn the public trust.
This has been a bad year for cops. Many officers died in the line of duty this year. This kind of behavior defames their memories and their sacrifice.
I think it all depends on the atmosphere of where you live.
Where I grew up, the cops had a rep. Even after all the crap theyve been in the news over, I can see them "taking care of" someone who crossed them or one of them.
Where I live, it varies town to town.
That said....I know of someone who had an affair with a cops wife. The officer was on duty when he caught and pulled them over. From what I understand, the officer was professional and AP never recieved backlash from any other officer or dept. And trust me, blue stick together no matter the dept or town.
On the other hand, I was always concerned because ow#1 has a dad who's and ex-statie and family who are also police in other parts of the state. Nothing happened, thankfully. But I think she is the reason he got off on his days home of driving dui tho someone turned him in. (He hasnt driven dui in 3 yrs and swears he will never again).
Anyway, retaliation from the force for turning in an officer, imo, varies from place to place. Some blue are more professional, some protect their own at all costs.
As for cops having the highest rate of infidelity...my aunt who formerly worked the ER swore nurse with cops or fire personnel were the highest rate of infidelity...I know some people here swore it was hospitals, others food stores. Truth? Society is a friggin mess. Nobody is immune. No one background exclusively holds that crown of shame.
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