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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not in Limbo
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been waffling between this forum and reconciliation, but it looks like I am here to stay. My H and I have been separated since January, but in March he called me crying, wanting to do anything to come home. However, he can't do it. He can't be the man i need anymore. He couldn't even pull it off for 5 months! Things started really changing about a month ago. He stopped answering my questions, no matter how much I pleaded (I know, pathetic, right!), and stopped being transparent. I feel so stupid because, although I never let him back, I have been hurt by his lies and actions (or lack thereof) all over again. And this time it is my fault! I should never have cracked that door. He is a manipulative liar and thinks he is still calling the shots. I am so sad for the loss of my marriage. But not what it was, what I always wanted it to be. What it should have been after 12 years of dealing with the shit I have had to deal with, just to be rewarded with him cheating on me. We will be eligible for divorce in March. But now I am nervous about him screwing me again. I trusted (I know, so stupid!) that he was here for the right reasons. I know better now, but am scared I might have messed up my divorce in some way by letting him in as much as I did and trusting his words. I do feel like a weight has been lifted in terms of I no longer have to worry and tie myself up in knots, trying to figure out how to live happily ever after with a man who could do what he did. I don't have to! And that is ok.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its very very hard to believe that the road of marriage has finally ended. And like me, being treated poorly has become something we got used to. My therapist told me that she is concerned that I have been treated so marginally for so long I dont know what it is like to really have a woman that cares for someone other than herself and that should I even understand or taste what that would be like, I would realize how badly I have gotten used to life. I refuse to cheat, but I see her point. The point is, at some point we just have to DECIDE TO MOVE ON.

*Salutes you*


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true Step! The what ifs are very difficult! If only they had played what if before taking it upon themselves to make grand decisions about our lives. I think it has been very hard for me coming to terms with the fact that those were his decisions. HIS decisions, not mine. I believe that, while I could have been a more attentive wife, I did the best I could. Even going as far as wanting to give him and our family a second chance. But he couldn't handle it. Apparently, him telling me we can't be instant gratification people anymore only refers to me when I want answers. He is still free to instantly gratify himself with anything that rubs up against him. Again, his decisions. My decision is to keep handling the changes in my life with as much class as I can!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true Step! The what ifs are very difficult! If only they had played what if before taking it upon themselves to make grand decisions about our lives.

This is ALL THEIR DOING 100%

I think it has been very hard for me coming to terms with the fact that those were his decisions. HIS decisions, not mine.

YES, YES, YES

I believe that, while I could have been a more attentive wife, I did the best I could. Even going as far as wanting to give him and our family a second chance. But he couldn't handle it.

Nobody is perfect but cheating goes beyond that. If we didn't want exclusive relationships when marriage would never have happened. Second chances can be good, but like with me my WW wiped my forgiveness and my giving her a second, perhpas a third chance like toliet paper then rubbed my nose in it.

Apparently, him telling me we can't be instant gratification people anymore only refers to me when I want answers. He is still free to instantly gratify himself with anything that rubs up against him.

Hypocrisy, is a cheaters tool of choice.

Again, his decisions. My decision is to keep handling the changes in my life with as much class as I can!

Who would expect any different from you, as it is you are a mature and emotionally stable person who doesn't need immoral sex to validate who you are. You are a winner, because by default you are not a cheater. Hang your head high (not as a snob or elite), but with the satisfaction that you played the game of marriage right and did more than expected of you, despite the hand you were played. That is all we can do, our best. But "best" does not mean going back for more servings of garbage from the hand of people who say, "eat it, it won't make you sick". Liars.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right again Step!!! You always know just what to say!! Thanks!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hopeful74)))

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Please work to understand some critical truths of your journey.

First, you are NOT pathetic for reaching out to your husband. God designed us to connect with others. You kept that reach within your marriage....even if you didn't do the actual steps correctly, you did keep your actions right where they belonged, within your M. Something went bad wrong within your husband sometime in his life that f'ed with his wiring, allowing him to reach outside of his M to you....and that "something" is NOT you. He feels the need to connect (thus the crying to come back home, his decision to have an A was a destructive choice but it was aimed at satisfying this God-given need within) but lacks the ability and/or desire to re-wire his way of life. I suspect it is fear that re-wired him....fear that has blocked him from choosing to do what is required to connect with you and others in healthy ways. I am willing to bet he has under invested in your M well before he chose adultery.

Second, you being hurt again by your husbands choices is NOT your fault, it is his mistake. Trusting others takes courage. Somehow you found courage enough to try for 6 months to both deal with traumatic level pain AND engage the very person responsible for that pain. You did so by the wise use of boundaries and choosing to love your husband even when your emotions screamed at you to NOT love him. You did NOT make a mistake.....your husband did.

You did the right, courageous thing by cracking that door to your husband. He did the wrong thing by throwing that door open and inviting another woman into your marital bed. Don't let his choices taint the way you view yours. Don't allow his mistakes to keep you from seeking that healthy, marital connection we are meant to establish. Don't let this experience jade you and make you bitter.

I doubt you messed up D rulings at all. Not sure about VA, but MO is a "no fault D" state. Adultery has zero bearing on things such as alimony and custody rights.....I know, sought legal advice on this. While I hate "no fault D" the plus side in your sitch is that you didn't jeopardize your future D rulings at all.


I have followed your journey from the beginning. While I am saddened to see another M and family destroyed via adultery (the weapon of mass destruction used against M and families) the greater tragedy would be if you allowed this trial to make you bitter.....got you to believe the lies in your posts here.

You are not pathetic, weak, or stupid. A healthy M requires 2 committed people. You have proven you had what it took to process through this shit....your husband has proven he does not.

This is no surprise. A wayward is the weaker partner. True all are broken, all are sinners,we hurt each other. But there is a singular weakness in a person that allows them to reach for adultery.

"

Adultery is not a result of a broken M. A broken M is a result of a persons ability to choose adultery"--current therapist.


Adultery is a fruit picked after much tending....it is not a singular, stand alone action. A symptom of a way of doing life, not a knee jerk reaction to a friendly wink.

You will remain on my prayer list.

Keep reaching out.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:17 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlakeSteele, your response actually made me cry. Thank you for taking the time to help me see it clearer. The support I have found here has been amazing!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Topic Posts: 7

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