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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Waywards - what did you give up?
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that "giving up" something may be an opportunity to prioritize the wayward's life based on their new values.
After I had done some work as a wayward, I realized my job was very unimportant, my friends actually kind of unimportant - other than a couple of them, material goods were very unimportant. What was important to me was family, and I was willing to give up anything for that. My husband did not ask me to give up anything though. I just did some things intrinsically where I tried to look at things through his eyes - I trashed all the clothes I wore during my A, I will never have an overnighter by myself, go out with the girls, etc. These are easy things, to me.

Many of you know I've roundabout inquired with my husband of us moving, because of all the triggers here. He would have to give up a job he loves. I'm not sure what that says about his priorities. I am a different wayward than him.

Sometimes I feel like some of these relationships, mine included, are a flipping chess game. It shouldn't be. It should be the married couple against the world, IYKWIM...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexisk17 had some comments that make me want to clarify something.

...I don't think it should be done to the WS with the intention of tit for tat.

...quit his job, never visit with his friends, sell the house, buy a new car, etc.

In all of the things that I listed, my wife didn't compel me to do any of them. Not one thing. I had some choices to make and some of them would have not been compatible with staying married, but those would have been organic results of my actions, not emotional extortion.
The house was going to be sold anyway. We were either going to divorce or move someplace together. The car; she just finished her Ph.D. and needed a car for work. We worked together to get her the right one that would make her happy. The house proceeds were about her safety and investing in our lives together. Working from home was a positive thing of keeping my job when we moved. Separating from the friends and hobbies were about having a healthier life. She made many of the same changes too. It wasn't unilateral.

My BW has been justifiably angry after my affair and is not the kind of person to hold back. She has expressed every bit of hurt and fury that she has wished to but has not ever in the course of this coerced or punished me. I'll tell you straight up, if she had coerced me, then the work that I have done wouldn't really be -my- work.
(An aside, setting firm boundaries about what is acceptable and stating deal breakers is not the same thing as coercion. I always had the choice.)

We both believe that Waywards need to feel the pain of what they have done. It's part of ownership and growth. If you don't know the pain of infidelity and do your best to understand the consequences, you won't learn and won't fix your problems. However, not once has she inflicted gratuitous hurt on me. There were plenty of times that I thought my world was ending in the past year, but every piece of it was a legitimate outcome of my actions, not spite.

I chose these things. Transfer of power for her safety, acts of contrition, cutting out toxic activities, making positive life changes. It's not like it was easy and it's not like I'm Mr. Virtuous. These are my decisions and I'm at peace with them, unlike the decisions I made during my affair.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you may be correct in stating in some cases it is a powerplay but in some of those cases that is what exactly is needed.

Many times I feel a WS use the A to skew the power balance in the M. They stroke their ego with it and create a sense of false power.

They decided to take the state of the M into their own hands by lying and deceiving their BS.

They risked the health of their BS for their own personnel satisfaction without even telling them, another powerplay.

Reshifting the power balance in the M is exactly what is needed. If that can be done by the WS having to give something up I do not see the issue with that.


Well said, reunite pangea.

During the affair, while I was unaware of it, my wayward was acting full of himself. He was preening in the mirror like a teenage girl and barking orders at the family.

I attributed it to a knew higher paying job and, more job stress and a need to impress his new bosses.

But later realized it was all related to the ridiculous ego stroking the married OW, a self-professed serial cheater, was giving to my wayward while trashing her own husband.

You wouldn't believe some of the stuff she wrote to my husband like telling him he was "perfect in every way" And, that was the mild stuff.

Who on Earth is "perfect in every way"?

Seriously, if some guy said that to me, I would run. It sound so silly and phony and smarmy and unrealistic.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that giving up your career should be something you discuss together. Would that help her? Financially, what does it do to both of you? Financial stress can be huge. I took a leave of absence from my job so we could spend time and focus on our marriage. It also helped with our younger children. This has been a huge help in our recovering. I miss my work but my marriage comes first now and always. "The job doesn't love you back". I hope you both make the right decision for you. I wish you the very best.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not ask my WH to give up much. I did insist on:

--Complete cessation of contact with OW, who was also his best friend. So, he gave up his best friend.
--Transparency. He gave up his privacy in giving me his passwords.
--Not going to professional conferences (where he and OW would meet for sex) alone. If he ever does need to go to one, I will accompany him.

I did not make him give up his job--didn't have to, as OW is three hours away.

I did not make him sell his car--but he did trade it in for a new one (for reasons unrelated to the A).

I did not make him give up his choral group, as it has always been a source of joy for him and a much-needed relief from the stress of his job. After rehearsals, the singers often go out for beer and munchies, and I'll admit that I was twitchy about that at first. But I did not want him to give up socializing with people who had never posed any threat whatsoever to our M. Gradually, I was able to relax about this, and I'm glad I did.

I guess what the BS asks the WS to give up (or what the WS chooses him/herself to give up) depends very much on the individual case.



Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the fact that I had to MAKE HIM sell the car that he made out with OW2 in just floors me.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like Waywards need to give up everything they can associated with their past actions. Whatever is being given up by the WS is nothing compared to what is being asked of the BS if you are trying to reconcile.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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