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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The pain of a empty apology
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I creep sometimes into the WayWard forum to try to better understand my stbxww. Maybe hoping somehow it will help. It helps sometimes. But I find it a difficult experience 9 times out of 10. I read someone's post and this particular Wayward put into words exactly what my wife's betrayal did. It is hard reading it because I can't help but wish these were her words. I can't help but wish she "got" it like this person so obviously has. It's so difficult being the BS, being in the process or divorce, and going about my days knowing my wife has no clue or remorse, and is so self absorbent and broken to even be capable to genuinely tell me she's sorry. Her sorry's are empty, they are backed with regret and guilt. I want to be able to articulate what it's like for a BS to hear these kinds of apologies..to be able to describe how hurtful they actually are. They are selfish and for her. Just like her affair, her regret-filled apologies are acid to my heart. I wish so much there was just a single sorry filled with remorse, filled with the understanding of the words below. The affair and her abandoning our marriage is painful enough, but to top it off with empty apologies is unbearable at times. I really thought she was a better person than this...

"You never consider, as you meet and write to your affair person, this person you assure yourself must be special and unique, that you are carefully crafting an intricate maze of darkness, filled with obstacles for your soon to be betrayed spouse to trip over and spike themselves on over and over and over and over, that will become the very real prison your soon to be betrayed spouse will call home for a very very long time.

You never consider the countless memories and shared happinesses that you will poison. How you will take so many if not all of your photos, your anecdotes, your catch phrases, your mannerisms, your holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, christmases, the birth of your children... and reshape each and every one of them into an instrument of torment that will repeatedly trigger your soon to be betrayed spouse into a deep and deathly misery that they neither invited nor deserved.

You never consider the things you will steal from your soon to be betrayed spouse, the most important person in your life who believes in you, who trusts you and has total faith and dedication to you. That you will strip from them their feelings of self worth, safety, being loved, security, specialness, and any idea they may have had that they were the only one you wanted to share yourself with."

[This message edited by justme1264 at 12:41 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Sir, words right out of my mind. D/S is where I am headed, and yes, I would read in the WS forum all the time of repentant and remorseful WSs that actually understood what we BSs were going through and they (WSs) were doing the right things to fix the fucked mess they made, and then I would go home and see my entitled WW on the couch, nothing ready at home, kids unbathed, laundy not done, dishes in the sink, dirty home and I approach her and she stops texting....looks up with a (what do you want) look...

And then I want to push everyone out of the home and burn it to the ground and say to her, NOW WHAT ASSHOLE?!

The Wayward lifestyle, its beyond gross and pathetic.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29


Posts: 661 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen.

I waited 3 long months to hear those words and nothing...
He has no idea the damage that he has done and the ongoing ripple effect of this affair.


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SteppingUp...I am surprised you haven't done just that in a rage. You are stronger than me. I think I would have burnt down every single bit of comfort your entitled WW. Hell, I would probably go out and sit on the curb with the empty gas can in my hand, and light a cigarette (and I don't even smoke) while the police and fire department came rolling up. Heads would roll, but it would be so satisfying.

Sometimes, I want to treat my stbxww with the disdain and resentment she deserves. But, I am a far bigger and loving person than that. After all, unlike her, I meant when I said "I love you."


Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= WW
She had two affairs between 2012-2014 that are confirmed. DD#1 3/2014. DD#2 11/2014.
Divorcing 11/2014
R? = I am still trying to figure that out.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Sir, words right out of my mind. D/S is where I am headed, and yes, I would read in the WS forum all the time of repentant and remorseful WSs that actually understood what we BSs were going through and they (WSs) were doing the right things to fix the fucked mess they made, and then I would go home and see my entitled WW on the couch, nothing ready at home, kids unbathed, laundry not done, dishes in the sink, dirty home and I approach her and she stops texting....looks up with a (what do you want) look...

And then I want to push everyone out of the home and burn it to the ground and say to her, NOW WHAT ASSHOLE?

!

Holy shit. EXACTLY what stepping up said. To a fucking T. We must be in-laws.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, I want to treat my stbxww with the disdain and resentment she deserves. But, I am a far bigger and loving person than that. After all, unlike her, I meant when I said "I love you."

Amen, Brother!


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29


Posts: 661 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justme, that quote perfectly describes what happens to a BS. It gave me chills reading it, even at nearly 4 years divorced. OUCH.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
StrongAndCapable
♀ New Member
Member # 44279
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justme, last night I spent an hour reading in the wayward forum and thought, "Wow! These people are doing whatever it takes to repair the damage that they created". I wondered what that would feel like? To have a WS be remorseful, caring, deeply and sincerely apologetic, accepting responsibility for their terrible actions, and putting their BS's well being above anything else. I have asked in the general thread why some WS are unremorseful. I think for my WS, he is so selfish and feels so entitled, that for him to be remorseful would mean he is admitting to his faults and he just cannot do that. He is on a trip right now engaging in a PA with his long distance OW. He has been completely absent from staying in touch with our DS and it makes me sad for our son. We just have to keep trudging forward. Good luck to you!


BS - me, 37
WH- him, 38
DS - almost 5
DDay - mid April
7 month EA, long distance
3x PA
Continuing long distance A
Moving toward D

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jul 2014
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to find it hard to read the WS Forum too. Especially during False R and my 'what if?' stage in the weeks after Final S.

I'd find the foggy newbies posts infuriating and I'd be cheering the gentle and not so gentle 2x4s they received.

Then the ones like the one you've quoted - well they were breathtakingly painful. For the pain of the poster, their BS and for me. It highlighted how far away from ever 'getting it' the sad clown was.

He is a man who lives in the peripheral - incapable of any kind of self reflection, incapable of any kind of true empathy. He thought if I wasn't crying I wasn't hurting. He thought my rage was punishment not a cry for help, me begging him to prove me wrong.

I so wanted to be wrong.

It doesn't hurt to read anymore. In some cases they are just pretty words and I've received those pretty words myself. They don't help - in many ways they make it all more painful. That he could say those things to me and continue to hurt me after me allowing him to see some of my pain is a cruelty I won't soon forgive or forget.

Then the ones who show real remorse and the old-timers made it very painfully obvious how False my R really was. It was dead in the water from the get-go. I believe he actually used things he and read on the Wayward forum to craft the most heartfelt apology I could have ever hoped for - he said it to me mere minutes before his blow up that led to Final S. He was now not just faking it but using SI as a tool to continue to hurt and deceive me. Ouch.

That forum has also helped me shine the light on some of my own toxic coping mechanisms and identified some uncomfortable truths about my own wayward thinking. I've always been very good at monogamy (physical and emotional) but only because I have an issue with deceit and because I keep my promises. Not because I want to be monogamous.

One of the reasons I picked him despite his wayward red flags was because I shared some of them and I assumed he also shared my integrity.

You are in the hurting, shock, disbelief, 'what if?' stage right now. I remember feeling like I was walking around with no skin.

I promise you won't always feel this way.

((justme1264))

[This message edited by SBB at 4:51 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I never read there and I never will. Fuck all of them and their bullshit excuses , they deserve zero empathy for their actions. Although I did read your post with chills in my spine. All the best brother Stay strong.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The two places on SI I never go, the R forum and wayward forum.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also read the "You never consider" thing and felt a small sting of jealousy for this Wayward's wife.
My husband is 42, this guy is 29. Wow! He so much gets that in contrast to my ^&*((#@ husband.
I 've almost accepted that my WH won't change. He is still denying, blameshifting, lying. R is a ticking clock, you can't be given this chance for ever.
About the empty apologies... I so much agree.
"I'm so sorry.. If I could turn back the time, blah blah blah..."
How about starting with the truth, huh? I have hard evidence and he still denies that. What more can I say?


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thefly559,

You have a PM


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37632 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justme1264 -

Pulling all or parts of posts from the WS forum is against the guidelines.


Posts: 36488 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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