SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General
Blood on my hands?
Edited to add on Oct 27: If you've seen this thread before and want to cut to the chase, the latest news from me is on page 4.
Been a while since I've been here. I'm just over 5 years from DD#1 & just over 3 years from the trust destroying DD#3. We're still together but my patience is nearly gone. And now there's this.
After DD#3 I felt I had to let OM's wife know what happened. I live half way across the country so I mailed a certified letter to the address I snooped up. The signature I got back seemed a bit mannish & my WW agreed that it might be OM's writing. I then sent a series of identical letters every day for a week figuring one had to reach OM's wife. I gave my contact info in the letters but never heard from her. This all took place in the summer of 2011.
A couple days ago my WW came home from working her night shift & asked if I'd sent her another letter. I'd often wondered if OM's wife ever got the message & even considered sending another letter within the last couple weeks.
I asked why she wanted to know & she dropped this bomb on me. The OM's wife is the woman who was arrested for killing her 2 year old and slashing her 13 year old in Oregon this past weekend. Horrifying.
I'm just trying to process this nightmare. Was my WW implying that it was my fault? Do I deserve to share any blame? Did I do the wrong thing in writing OM's wife about the affair? What an awful mess this is.
[This message edited by utterly broken at 3:39 PM, October 27th (Monday)]
You can not take the blame for this. It has been 3 years since you sent the letters. She is responsible for her actions. You have no idea what has been going on during all this time.
It is a very sad case but IMO you don't own any part of this.
It is an awful mess but you are not responsible for her actions. I imagine you feel bad and that's understandable but this didn't have anything to do with you.
Playing devil's advocate, have you verified that this WAS the same woman? I wouldn't trust an unremorseful wayward.
I'm fairly certain it's the same woman. The names and addresses in the news reports are all the same as the info I discovered 3 years ago.
Please, please, please do not blame yourself for this. For one, you had no knowledge of the OM's wife's life story or reasons for this. It was so long ago, there is simply no way to connect them. A person capable of doing that surely had other issues. If your WW seems to be passing blame to you I would question her, not your actions. You did the right thing. There is no reason to assume that woman did not already know. We always do.
Ok as long as you just didn't take her word.
What in the world makes a mother do that to her kids? I would almost understand if it was her husband she attacked. Regardless of any circumstances, those children were innocent.
Was this reported in the media where you live "half way across the country"? If not, how did your WW learn about it? Is your WW still in contact with OM?
No. That would be blame shifting extraordinaire.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
I heard about it and I live more than 1/2way across the country from it. It made the news, it was pretty horrific.still not in any way your fault.
I think your wife should be counting her blessings to be removed from that. Whatever the reasons, that woman became homicidal. Very sad
A couple days ago my WW came home from working her night shift & asked if I'd sent her another letter.
Oh Utterly, I am so sorry to hear this. I live in Maryland and this story has been all over the news. Of course, this has nothing to do with you.
As to your WW, there is something very wrong with her. For five years, she behaves like a horny 17 year old, exchanging blow jobs for acts a simple "thank you" would suffice. How dare she lay this on you! It does not sound like she is remorseful at all. So, while you had absolutely nothing to do with this tragedy, in my opinion your WW did imply that you were somehow responsible. I would toss her trashy, selfish behind to the curb. She does not deserve you.
I don't believe your letters from 3 years ago contributed to this tragic situation. After reading more on this story, it seems there was a lot of drama going on between the OM and his BW. Reminds me of some of the NPD stories we read here actually.
[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:20 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
I hadn't seen this in the news but a Google search with info he mentioned brought it up.
Just as the affair is not your fault, neither is this. For goodness sake, you sent those letters three years ago.
I am sorry Brother. But you have no blame for any of this.
I read your profile and was mortified at what happened to you.
So I gotta ask is your WW in IC?
Be strong don't take the blame.
Responsibility for this in no way shape or form rests with you.
If your WW seems to be passing blame to you I would question her, not your actions.If anyone is to blame, it would be your wife and the OM. DO not let her try and blame you for her actions.
Remember, for every action there is a reaction.
And who knows what reactions your wife and the OM caused. And who knows what the hell has gone on in the past three years in that woman's life.
I think one of the hardest questions is whether or not to let the other BS know or not.
The blame game. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions and someone else cannot blame you for theirs.
(Geez, I should sometimes listen to myself too)
One of the hardest things to fully do post-dday is accept that everybody is only responsible for their own actions and choices. Your ww is responsible for her cheating. The OM is responsible for his cheating. The OM's BS is responsible for her actions.
Your letters, even if sent last week, did not cause this. The woman's actions did. The affair may have caused a psychotic break, deep depression, etc, that may have contributed, but even so - you did not cause the affair.
The only thing that you did was give her the truth so that she could make her own choices - something OM had been depriving of her. You did not make her choices, you did not cause her pain about the affair, and you certainly did not cause her mental breakdown/psychosis/antisocial beahvior, or whatever that caused her to kill her child.
I do not like your WW. How dare she hint that you are to blame for what happened??? What an absurd, juvenile accusation! Blameshift much, WW?
This is a heartbreaking situation but I agree with others. This is in NO WAY, shape or form, your fault even minutly. And shame on your WW for even indirectly implying. She should be ashamed of herself and her actions. I wouldn't tolerate her.
I think I might be tempted to ask your wife "Do you think your affair with her husband had anything to do with this?" Not that I think it did nor do I think your letters had any bearing on this but just to throw that guilt ball back in her court and let it bounce around a bit!