Why isn't your wife blaming herself for her part in the destruction of this family?
She's great at laying guilt on you. Is she taking some blame?
I would be extra vigilant in policing your wife's phone, emails, etc.
My guess is that your W learned about it the way many of us did, via national TV. She might've recognized the woman’s name and did a little Google search at work. Her reaction to you, albeit crass, might have been to make sure that you were not a catalyst to what that woman did to her children. It might be that simple.
Regardless, you had absolutely nothing to do with this. Clearly that woman and her H were going thru a very ugly D - she lost it.
I just read your profile. You’re a saint to have survived your W’s issues. You must be a very strong man - continued strength thru this too.
This happened not far from our home, and at one of our favorite vacation destinations, so I have followed the news reports. These two sound like they have had a very volatile relationship for a very long time.
Here's a link to a story that says, and a quote,
"Greg Smith filed for divorce from Jessica on June 30, after about 20 years of turmoil between the two. Weeks after that she filed a restraining order against him, fearing for her safety and the safety of their daughters."
You had nothing to do with this. Your wife is lucky she got out unscathed. Any woman who would kill her own children...
[This message edited by Want2help at 2:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
Quote from article:
"Smith had filed for divorce from his wife on June 30. The two were married in 1996, but he said they never fully recovered from an affair she had in 2001...
...Greg Smith said he told her he wanted a divorce in November 2013, but he decided to continue living with her “for safety and financial reasons.”
Smith said he told her on April 11 that he’d met somebody he thought of as “a good friend and more,” and that she asked him to move out four days later."
What a mess.
Apparently, he had just won Friday visitation in court. That appears to have been the final straw for her.
[This message edited by Want2help at 2:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
If she actually did try to imply that you informing OM's BW somehow related to this then quite frankly I'd file for D immediately.
I wouldn't ever want to speak again to somebody who'd try to put that sort of shit in my head, let alone be married to them.
Almost done with D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
Dwelling on it won't help you figure out if it's A, B, or C (she actually blames you, which I don't think is likely).
If you can find it in your heart, go to her and ask "Do you want to talk about it?"
Marriage takes communication. Reconciliation takes LOTS of communication.
I think in such tragedies people will naturally question any and all behaviours surrounding the tragedy, in an effort to better understand something that really can never be understood.
My exWWBF 's 19 year old son hanged himself on Jan 15, 2014. I know I did nothing to 'cause' his decision to die, but I still felt myself needing to go through my actions and see if anything I had done was now, with this new information of his suicide, something I regretted having done. And there wasn't. But I still needed to ask myself.
I think your WWW might be doing that too, and she may have heaps of unspoken guilt concerning her actions in the light of this tragedy, but is too shaken up and freaked out to process them yet.
I feel that we might be done. There's still a chance but that would require her to set up MC. She says she'll go if I set it up. The time I set it up before the affairs were discovered she hated the therapist so we didn't go back. The time she set it up she showed up an hour late for a one hour appointment. Found out later that she was with OM#1. Needless to say, I have a bad taste in my mouth over MC. Tell me if I'm being unreasonable by making setting up MC her responsibility.
Almost forgot. I'm a "selfish asshole"!
5 years later..and now she is saying it wasn't cheating?
Im sorry...I'd file for a divorce..and when she gets pissed, I'd tell her that's ok..it wasn't really a marriage since marriage takes 2 committed people.
And you are a selfish asshole for telling his wife her husband was using your wife as the BJ fairy? Yeah...file. Fuck that noise.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Bottom line if your WW feels like the A was somehow a catalyst or related to this woman's actions then your WW and her OM must take full responsibility for that and all its downstream consequences. But the OM bears the most responsibility if his betrayal and deceipt threw his BW into insanity.
[This message edited by whattheh at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
having said that, I would filed for D immediately. 5 years later and she still is unwilling to take any responsibility for her own actions?
There were have not been any letters to send if your WW and OM weren't having an A, now would there?
Still doesn't sound like she is taking any responsibility for her actions.
Sending strength, ub. 5 yrs?? I'm at 5 yrs too, but my H has finally woken up with true remorse.
Give her the papers!
IF anyone other than the woman who committed the murders is at fault, it is Your wife and the OM.
I know you may be thinking this women was fragile, possibly being abused by a manipulative husband, who you KNOW FOR A FACT CHEATED ON her, but he may have already been involved in another affair, by now....3 years later.
Domestic violence is tricky. It's always he said/she said because there are rarely adult witnesses.
I would try to ensure that your wife did not take the affair underground.
She was definitely blameshifting.
My wayward pleaded with me not to tell the OW's husband because he would beat her. I didn't because I, too, was afraid her husband would beat her, and they continued contact.
When I alerted him, the contact stopped.
When I met him, he was a sweet guy, and even his own FIL said he treated the OW well. NO abuse. She was lying about that to my husband to ensure I would not tell him.
5 years later..and now she is saying it wasn't cheating?
To follow up what she laid on you the other day with this level of minimization?
Get papers drawn up and pack her fucking bags, man.
I noticed a text from WW to a neighbor lady in which she said she was depressed about what happened to her "friend's" daughter. The "friend" reference made me sick. I'm sure she just used that term to avoid saying "one of the guy's who I cheated on my husband with", but still.