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Blood on my hands?

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confused615 posted 8/8/2014 16:08 PM some sick way..she is trying to get sympathy from the neighbor.."oh boohooo, poor me, my friends daughtes were killed." And, of course the neighbor will ask who, and your WW will tell her all about it..except the part where she was sucking his dick. Or, maybe she will tell her, since it's "not cheating." But she will be talking about OM, sympathizing with the neighbor.

While it is a terrible situation, your WW has no business talking about it with anyone. This would piss me off.

Your WW loves drama..Im sure you realize that.

As for the card. It is a breach of NC, whether OM realizes the card is from her or not..SHE will still break NC.

What are you prepared to do if she does?

utterly broken posted 8/8/2014 16:27 PM

confused615 I've stuck it out this long because I love this idiot and likely always will. I never strongly considered D probably because I am afraid of being alone, don't want to be a "failure", and just fear of the unknown. My mind has really shifted in the last few months to where I accept the fact that this is going to end unless she really steps up in the remorse department and schedules MC. If she sends a card (assuming she tells me or I find out) it will make it hard for me to stay.

longsadstory1952 posted 8/8/2014 19:41 PM

Who knows what she will tell the cops or her lawyer. You might allow for the possibility you could be drawn into this. Pm me if you want to know about murder prosecutions and defenses.

Melian40 posted 8/8/2014 19:50 PM

This tragedy sounds like the Medea in Greek mythology.
I don't think she ever received your letters. I'm sure she would contact you if she had.
I don't know how, but those letters must have been intercepted somehow.
I think the OM-her husband continued his selfish and pathetic existance with other women and she probably found out, which boosted her whatever mental illness and she killed those poor kids.

Jomarion posted 8/9/2014 18:59 PM

Your wife is blameshifting and sounds unremorseful.

She is taking her own guilt out on you.

The 'anonymous sympathy' letter is selfish and self-centered on her part.

How dare she USE this tragedy to express feelings for and contact with the OM?

Whatever guilt she is feeling, she needs to suck up and feel the consequences of her behaviour, not dilute it with sympathy cards and calling you totally unacceptable names.

She is in lala land...a blow job isn't cheating??!? Oh my God, talk about twisting and squirming her way out of guilty feelings!

I cannot offer advice. I am in too much mess myself. But these are my perceptions. I hope they help you.

And very sorry she is saying such hurtful things to you, compounding the pain of this tragedy.

LumpyLola posted 8/9/2014 19:12 PM

This brings to mind an old phrase that my grandmother used to tell us kids when we got caught in a lie. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive". it means, look at the far-reaching consequences that can occur when someone deceives others.

i agree, do not blame yourself.

stronger08 posted 8/9/2014 19:23 PM

Do not under any circumstance accept and blame in this. For all you know asshole OM never stopped his bullshit and chances are he was having another A with a different woman. While this is certainly a very sad story it is no way your fault. As for your WW I'd seriously take a good look at your M. Her inference speaks volumes to me of continued blame shifting. Instead of having remorse for screwing this woman's WH she tries to toss blame at your feet. That my friend in not remorse. That is nothing but a blameshifting, selfish statement that she made. I'm actually angry for you.

Schadenfreude posted 8/9/2014 19:25 PM

Nothing to add except that somebody brought up police issues.

KEEP YOU MOUTH SHUT. Our Constitution makes silence your absolute right. Never talk with police unless and until you have lawyered up. Forget that bullshit on TV where a suspect or even innocent agrees to talk to the police in the interrogation room. You can simply refuse to leave your home or wherever you are. There is no mandate in our country for you to be a fool and talk with the police who are not, in investigative situations, your friends. If they HAVE a warrant, they can search. They CANNOT search your home or even your cell phone by claiming they will get a warrant. Simply say "no".

No, don't become paranoid. You had nothing to do with this. You didn't suck his dick and cause him to become more unbalanced

There isn't a chance in hell that any police will ever contact you unless WW wants to cause trouble and phones in an anonymous tip.
You weren't in a conspiracy to wipe out his family. You were thousands of miles away. Don't miss a minute of sleep over this post. I did it only because someone else raised the issue. .

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 7:26 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]

StillGoing posted 8/9/2014 19:43 PM

My mind has really shifted in the last few months to where I accept the fact that this is going to end unless she really steps up in the remorse department and schedules MC.

Sounds like it ended awhile ago and you've been trying to Doc Frankenstein it back.

She pretty much blamed you for infanticide, said having another guys dick in her mouth isn't cheating and wants to show her sympathy for what the OM is going through as if they played no part in it.

All this 3 years after the latest big reveal.

There is a point where the unknown becomes less worrisome and more appealing. The idea that big, dark place could hold potential happiness and new life is something that needs to lodge in your brain and take root and grow, so you can climb that tree over the wall of crazy your wife has you boxed inside.

This isn't going to end well unless you get out. Sticking around with someone like that, it's just a matter of time before she hurts you again, as badly or worse than before.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/9/2014 19:47 PM

No blood on your hands. None at all. Even IF the BW received your correspondence from a couple years ago, a snippet of news that someone posted on pg 2 indicated that your WW's OM had moved on to a new OW who he had told his BW about.

I agree with Melian -- that the OM continued to act like a douche and the BW finally *broke*. People can be terribly, terribly cruel to each and, unfortunately, sometimes *innocents* pay the price. It's just tragic.

NC is NC, so obviously no card should be sent.
But FURTHERMORE, she needs to keep herself as far away from this situation as possible. For her to even consider that sending a card to OM is a *good* idea (under the circumstances) is just reckless behavior.
She also needs to keep her damn mouth shut about her *connection* to these people. Sheesh. I know you love her, but damn...she's not a very bright bulb.......

Lark posted 8/9/2014 20:17 PM

Oral sex isn't an affair? wonder how the wife felt about that
From the news article, it sounded like he was already in a new affair and that's what led to the current issues

utterly broken posted 8/15/2014 16:16 PM

Just a little update. I know WW wanted to send a sympathy card, but I don't know if she did. She knows my feelings on it, FWIW. If I asked she'd probably tell me if she did.

No word from the police in Oregon or Washington, but I will take the advice of getting a lawyer if it happens. Doubt it will be an issue, though, and my conscience is clean.

I thought we had a minor breakthrough when WW finally agreed to register for SI. It would be huge for me if she committed herself to working on us. She has generally been sweeping everything under the rug. So far, I think she has been more concerned with my posts than spending time in the Wayward forum. She has told me that she has no plans to post. I told her that's fine (for now). I lurked for a couple months before I posted. Her main excuse for not using SI has consistently been "who are these people?" and "what are their credentials?". I feel that anybody can go to school and get a fancy degree and credentials, which is great, but that doesn't mean as much to me as learning from people who have been through this hell. I've also heard enough stories about awful therapists, so I'm not hung up on creds.

I know this is long, but I have another irritating issue. One of our neighbors' sons has been sent to prison. My WW has been sending and receiving letters and has also visited him. I don't think his parents or siblings have sent him anything and they've only visited him when he was temporarily transferred closer to home. I don't feel too threatened by this since he likely will be in for many years, but it still bothers me quite a bit. I feel that it is inappropriate and she knows how I feel. If I was in prison and there was one female sending me letters and visiting I know that I would develop feelings for her. So, that sucks, too.

Edited for punctuation & spelling.

[This message edited by utterly broken at 1:56 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/15/2014 22:34 PM

"what are th[eir] credentials?"

My credentials -- I have a doctorate-level education in dealing with a remorseless WS. My course of study lasted for about 5 years and included hundreds of hours of practical, hands-on experience.

Dude, you are most likely going to regret that you introduced your WW to this site......

As for the prison thing......Just no. Monster's girl cousin was sent to prison years ago and she reached out to communicate with him while she was there. I freaked out when I found out that he was corresponding with her. Since I don't know how the *system* works, I may have been irrational or maybe not......but she's in PRISON. There are BAD PEOPLE in prison. And he was sending her letters that contained our ADDRESS.
Your WW's contact with this kid needs to stop (for the reason that I mentioned (but maybe you aren't as protective as I am) and also for the reason the you mentioned). Now if you also know this kid and support him.....then YOU can *take point* on contacting him with a 'WE' support you message. But your WW's days of being in contact with other men (even the son of a neighbor) need to be done now and not allowed.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:36 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

utterly broken posted 8/16/2014 14:32 PM

Dude, you are most likely going to regret that you introduced your WW to this site......

I regretted it when I introduced it to her 5 years ago. At that time I felt I was being attacked for some of what I was saying, and it affected the content and number of my posts. Been hanging out in limbo ever since. It's time to end that phase of my life. I'm no longer worried about offending WW or making her feel bad. Doesn't mean I'm going to be an ass to her, it's just an unfortunate part of the process of working through this. I'm also jealous of the BS's with apparently remorseful WS's posting on the Wayward forum.

The events of my 1st post in this thread seem to have flipped a switch in my brain. I wish I'd found that switch years earlier.

BtraydWife posted 8/16/2014 14:41 PM

I'm sorry that you wife is such a hot mess. It's beyond shocking that her views are the same as they were 5 years ago. She sounds emotionally retarted.

You aren't going to have true happiness and security with a person as backwards as she is. I'm sorry she is willing to lose it all to protect her ego. You deserve much more.

utterly broken posted 8/18/2014 09:52 AM

I'm unsure of proper forum etiquette/procedures. Should I start new threads for each thing that comes up or keep all my stuff on this thread? Gonna keep this one rolling for now.

A common theme in our marriage has been my WW backing out of our plans to go out with other people. It makes me feel that she is embarrassed to be seen with me. I hate when friends and acquaintances come up and ask me "where's your wife?" and I have no good answer to give. She really can be a fun person to be around and people seem genuinely disappointed that she doesn't come out. Her most common excuse has been that she doesn't like the smoke, but now everything is smoke free in our area.

We were invited out to eat this week for the birthday of a female co-worker of mine and her family. This is a girl who we've both befriended, and my WW has invited her out to eat with our family a few times. Recently the 3 of us were going to go out to eat and then see a movie. At the last minute, WW says she doesn't feel like going but insists that I still go. I reluctantly went to eat with my co-worker which was fairly uncomfortable for me. The waitress seemed to think we were on a date, but there was nothing inappropriate between the 2 of us and we skipped the movie and went to our respective homes.

When invited to her birthday meal, I asked my WW several times if she was up to going and she said yes. I didn't want to be stood up again, but looks like I might be. So this morning as WW is coming home from work and I'm leaving for work she says "I don't want to go out on Wednesday because I feel like I'll be meeting your future in-laws". WTF!

This is coming from the person who had me help renovate a piece of shit house owned be OM#1 for free. This is coming from the person who took the same asshole's kids on a family trip to a music festival. This is coming from the person who insisted over and over that we should do something with douchebag OM#5 while my family was visiting her on the east coast. She has rubbed my nose in her shit over and over, and now feels she needs to invent a reverse situation that is not at all based in reality.

10yearsafter posted 8/18/2014 11:07 AM

Go see a lawyer get the divorce papers and be done with her.

She crazy.

Forged1 posted 8/18/2014 11:12 AM

Go see a lawyer get the divorce papers and be done with her.

Exactly. Don't walk - run. Or drive very fast. Whatever works.

She crazy.

Oh, indeed.

utterly broken posted 8/22/2014 12:31 PM

Another post, another WTF moment. In my previous post I'd mentioned going out with my WW to the birthday meal of one of my co-workers and my concerns that she would back out of our plans. Well, she did back out, but to be fair my WW had a fairly bad migraine. I was irritated, but it wasn't a big deal. One of my issues with this kind of thing is my WW usually leaves it to me to let people know she is not going to show. I asked her to text my co-worker with the news.

Last night, my WW casually mentioned the reason she gave my co-worker. Without discussing it with me, she told her that she had cheated on me a few years ago and we were having problems. She had deleted the text, so I don't know exactly how she said it. She could have said "I have a migraine" or even "we are having some issues that we have to deal with", both of which were true, but she chose to out our private shitstorm to my co-worker in the name of "honesty". But who doesn't love being known as a cuckold, right?

selkiescot posted 8/22/2014 12:39 PM

NO you are not reponsible. Oh good lord no.

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