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Blood on my hands?

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Kajem posted 8/22/2014 13:49 PM

You need to find away to stop your wife from dragging you thru the mud.

She already thinks so little of herself that she outed herself to embarrass you. She also thinks so very little of you that she embarrassed you. Please don't give her any more responsibility for you or your marriage. I have a feeling it will come back to bite you in the arse.

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:56 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

utterly broken posted 8/25/2014 02:50 AM

I moved into the basement on Saturday. It was a lot of work because it was full of crap. It's mostly cleaned out and cozy now. The boys have taken notice but we haven't talked to them yet. We need to do that ASAP and I'm dreading that conversation. I don't even know what to say to them.

It's been a struggle to keep it together and function, but I think I'm doing an ok job of faking it so far. Focusing at work has been difficult for a couple weeks and I doubt that will improve after this weekend.

You know how sometimes a song almost perfectly sums up your life at that moment? I am having trouble sleeping tonight so I was listening to music while reading lyrics. This song is really close to me right now, down to the primal screams at the end which sound like me alone in my car.

"Closure"
By Chevelle

Breathe, trust, bless me and release,
Climb, hard or never be seen.
Closed off, rescue to breathe.
Just bless me.

Two sided time,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, the pain.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Had to to turn, lay down,
Your sting of disease.
Phase you out, should've seen this coming.
Go on confusing the soul,
Hold my breath 'til you rupture.

Three days aside,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, pride.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Like a leach,
I hold on as if we belonged,
To some precious pure dream.
Cast off, you've seen what's beneath,
Now fail me.

Faulty closure
Faulty closure
Faulty closure
Faulty closure

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.


It hit me really hard. This whole mess is just so sad.

utterly broken posted 10/27/2014 15:31 PM

I was hoping I was done with this thread. It wasn't meant to be.

On Thursday Oct 23 I got a call from an unfamiliar number while at work. A message was left but not checked til later in the day. I should have waited longer, because the last hour of my day I wanted to throw up. The caller was a private investigator working for the lawyers defending the OBS who killed her toddler. She "just happened" to be in my town over 1400 miles from where it all took place and wanted to talk to me. I was in shock. I called her back & arranged a meeting after work. I asked if she wanted my WW to come but she didn't think it necessary.

On the way to meet I decided to call WW in the spirit of transparency. She works nights so was still sleeping. She told me to pick her up and take her with. I said the PI didn't need her there, but WW said she got me into this mess so she was definitely going. Good answer, elgatoblanco.

We met for a while and I told her about discovering all the texting between my WW and MOM and my sending letters to the OBS. I didn't have much info for her as I'd never met or talked to the OBS or her POS husband. The PI asked about the content of the letters and whether they were threatening. They were certainly not threatening, but were my attempt at gently letting the OBS know about the cheating and to get herself tested for STD's since I'd previously gotten one from my WW. The PI then showed me a picture on her laptop of the envelopes that had contained the letters I'd sent to the OBS. She said they didn't have the actual letters, the OBS saved just the empty envelopes. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I asked the PI if I was being blamed for the murder, but she assured me that wasn't the case.

My WW did most of the talking during the meeting. The PI seemed to mostly want to know about the character of the MOM. I got to hear the story again about how they ended up cheating on us. It was all things I had heard before, so it wasn't too hard for me to take. What was incredibly hard to take was hearing over and over what a "nice guy" he was, how funny he was, how my WW has always been attracted to redheads, how the POS always wanted a child of his own (the daughter they had at the time was a result of the OBS getting pregnant while cheating). It seems he would have been happy to have my WW be a mother to his child. I don't think my WW has any idea how brutally hard it was for me to hear this bullshit. I hate that motherfucker.

So the meeting was over and I dropped myself off at a bar within walking distance to my house. WW went home to check on and feed the boys. She came back to be with me at the bar and talked me into going home for the night. Probably saved me a long night and a rough morning since I'm not much of a drinker.

I've been kind of shell-shocked ever since. With my luck I'll probably be subpoenaed to testify in the trial which begins either next July or, if an extension is granted, spring or summer of 2016. I just want all of this shit to go away, and now it's getting dragged out even longer. I really can't afford to miss work or pay for the long trip to Oregon if that is necessary.

My mind has been running over this crap non-stop. Even if OBS doesn't blame me, maybe MOM does. The toddler that was murdered was, after all, the child he'd always wanted. My first thought is that I should watch my back. I don't know what he looks like, so I guess all redheads bigger than me are now on my radar. My second thought is fucking horrible. Wouldn't it be a better revenge if he were to hurt or kill one of my boys? Fuck my life!

brokenblackbird posted 10/27/2014 16:23 PM

Your involvement in this ended 3 years ago when you sent these letters, right?

Do you have any idea what happened in their relationship in the intervening 3 years? You've 1. never spoken to him or his BS 2. never seen them, have no idea what the even look like and 3. had zero to do with what actually happened.

While it is incredibly sad that a mother could do that kind of thing, she was clearly messed up mentally and emotionally. None of which had any bearing on you. You did not cheat on her. You merely let her know what was happening in her marriage.

It seems really half-assed that the investigator didn't originally want or need to speak with your wife, then ended up asking her about her relationship with OM. That seems hokey to me.

Was this a PI for this OBS's defense or for the OM?

confused615 posted 10/27/2014 16:28 PM

So your WW spent a lot of time telling this lawyer about what a great guy OM is??

Hmm. And she wasn't invited to the meeting, she invited herself.

You never talked to the OBS or the OM.

Im wondering if there is more to this..maybe the affair picked back up after dday?

It seems odd that she insisted she go. Maybe she was expecting you to be told something and she went for damage control?

utterly broken posted 10/27/2014 16:44 PM

It seems really half-assed that the investigator didn't originally want or need to speak with your wife, then ended up asking her about her relationship with OM. That seems hokey to me.

It struck me as odd, too, but when I asked her she said it was because she was unsure of the nature of our relationship after what happened. I'd guess it was that, plus the fact that my number was the only one she was able to find easily online. I suspect that if she'd only met with me, she would have asked for my WW's contact info.

Yes, it was a PI working for the OBS's defense. No involvement since this all went down over 3 years ago. I do know what the OBS looks like from all the news stories online. I've never spoken to either of them, but I did send MOM a non-threatening text telling him to get tested for STD's.

brokenblackbird posted 10/27/2014 16:48 PM

Yeah, the investigator seemed to be reaching too hard to try to find something.

If they knew about your wife's affair with OM, then they should have set up an appointment for an interview with your wife too. It seems odd that they didn't try to get that information from you when they called.

I doubt you'll be called to testify. You have nothing to testify about. It would be your wife they'd have an interest in.

utterly broken posted 10/27/2014 16:50 PM

Im wondering if there is more to this..maybe the affair picked back up after dday?

It seems odd that she insisted she go. Maybe she was expecting you to be told something and she went for damage control?


These are fair questions, but I truly don't think this is the case. I definitely have some serious trust issues where my WW is concerned, but I am fairly certain she isn't conducting a long-distance cheat-fest with this asshole. That sounds so like something a complete chump would say, but I'll stand by it until proven wrong.

CharachterReveal posted 10/27/2014 18:49 PM

This is the very definition of senseless tragedy.

Prayers for all.

~charachterreveal

nuance posted 10/27/2014 22:14 PM

What was incredibly hard to take was hearing over and over what a "nice guy" he was, how funny he was, how my WW has always been attracted to redheads, how the POS always wanted a child of his own (the daughter they had at the time was a result of the OBS getting pregnant while cheating). It seems he would have been happy to have my WW be a mother to his child. I don't think my WW has any idea how brutally hard it was for me to hear this bullshit.

Are you still with your WW? I don't think I'd be able to stay in the same room after that.

RightTrack posted 10/27/2014 23:54 PM

You aren't being blamed for anything, this is the defense's investigator. The attorney is going to try to negate the intent element of murder by claiming some kind of "crime of passion" defense,or some mental health defense, probably trying to go for manslaughter, although that would play better if it was POS and not the poor little 2yr old. What a terrible thing to get dragged into. I am so sorry. Certainly this is NOT your fault, that woman had severe problems.

Violated posted 10/28/2014 00:02 AM

(((Utterly and sons)))

It's obvious the OM and his WW have been driving each other crazy for a long time. You have nothing to do with their actions, or your WW's.

I feel so bad for the 13yr old.

cosmicjoke posted 10/28/2014 00:42 AM

Sorry but the OM should've thought about the consequences of his actions before he started all this. If anyone has blood on their hands, it's him (& your WW)..! He probably drove his poor wife mad. Guess his family didn't really mean that much to him.

5454real posted 10/28/2014 00:44 AM

Wow, please lawyer up. That doesn't sound good.

cissi posted 10/28/2014 00:59 AM

Sorry but the OM should've thought about the consequences of his actions before he started all this. If anyone has blood on their hands, it's him (& your WW)..! He probably drove his poor wife mad. Guess his family didn't really mean that much to him.

I'm certainly not sticking up for the OM-POS but geez! The 2-year-old was a result of an affair she had. It sounds to me as if they are a match made in heaven. I'm just so sad that it had to involve this poor baby.

BtraydWife posted 10/28/2014 08:09 AM

It seems odd that she insisted she go. Maybe she was expecting you to be told something and she went for damage control?

This. I believe this.

She frequently leaves you abandoned to handle social get togethers. She has no problem embarrassing you unnecessarily. She insisted she go with you even after the pi said it wasn't necessary. She didn't go to support you. Stop buying her line of bullshit.

If it wasn't for damage control then she went so she could retell and relive the affair. She insisted on it. She had no compassion for what you must have felt hearing her fawn over her ex lover because she was lost in fantasyland again.

She'll meet with anyone to have the opportunity to gush about him. Next time, if there is one, if the pi doesn't want her there, she doesn't go.

She's a million miles away from remorseful. You should be doing the 180 until you are ready to kick her out. SHE should be the one living in the basement.

You've got to stop giving her the ability to further hurt you. Why is divorce scarier than the hell you are currently in? She has no reason to change her attitude. This will continue until you put a stop to it. You are only a cuckold if you allow yourself to be one. The continuing disrespect and humiliation is unacceptable. Stop letting her call the shots. She doesn't care how you feel.

She disgusts me.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 8:16 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)]

SpecialK posted 10/28/2014 08:35 AM

Ditto what BetrayedWife said.

Until you STOP making excuses for her and take off your rose colored glasses, THIS WILL be your life. Trust me, there will be another man, she's a cake eater of the highest.

Think about what example of what a man is, you are teaching your boys. Do you want them to allow anyone, man or woman to treat them this way and them allow it?


Lastly, YOU had NOTHING to do with this shitshow. The woman sounds like a wackadoo, her husband, well we know what a piece of crap he is, but that's on THEM! If anyone needs to feel remorse, guilt, regret whatever, it's your WIFE and the POS Husband. THEY are responsible for the infidelity.

seethelight posted 10/28/2014 09:05 AM

Utterly broken:

You should NEVER have agreed to talk to this PI, without an attorney PRESENT.

solus sto posted 10/28/2014 15:02 PM

Yeah. This reeks to high heaven.

Get an attorney. Damage control needs to be done. This PI thing stinks.

utterly broken posted 10/28/2014 16:20 PM

Until you STOP making excuses for her and take off your rose colored glasses, THIS WILL be your life. Trust me, there will be another man, she's a cake eater of the highest.

Think about what example of what a man is, you are teaching your boys. Do you want them to allow anyone, man or woman to treat them this way and them allow it?


The events of the last 3 months have smacked those glasses right off my face. I've realized that this very well could be my life if I continue to make the same mistakes in dealing with this crap. It's this realization that got me to meet with lawyers and find out my options. She hasn't done what she needs to do to make me feel safe staying with her. Because of this, I sometimes feel like it's just a matter of time til she does it again. I never said it after D-Day 1 & 2 (and why should it even be necessary?), but she KNOWS now that she can't fuck up again or I'm done. Fucking up now includes continued rugsweeping and ignoring her issues.

It is a source of embarrassment for me the way I've let my WW walk all over me. Once again, I am finally waking up to this and am trying to learn how to stop it. Now that the boys know of the betrayal that we've suffered, I know that I have to make it clear to them that this is not OK. I am by nature a very patient person, but patience and unconditional love have only led to a slow, agonizing death. I still consider patience a virtue, but not at the expense of being a doormat.

ILINIA posted 10/28/2014 17:49 PM

Man, it is hard enough to deal with an A much less this added stress. Sorry you are going through this mess.

Maybe it is the way it is written and maybe this was only a slice of the interview, but it doesn't seem like she is remorseful at all. You two were being questioned about a situation where a woman killed herself and her child. What an extremely sad tragedy. I get that the PI asked certain questions about the MOW character, but you would think your WW would have have had some remorseful even regrettable feelings about their relationship...IDK something like she is now haunted by their actions, telling how much she regretted it, how she cannot believe this happened, and how it has negatively impacted both your lives.

Again, I may be way off base, but it seemed like she enjoyed the spotlight to talk about her and him. It was almost she is still in fantasy-land and describes how she is attracted to redheads, how he made her laugh, how he wanted another child with her....I just think it is strange that she isn't more introspective and thinking "Oh shit, this was the worst mistake of my life. He was an asshole to me and to his wife."

To reinforce what others have said, all of this is because of HER decisions, SHE brought this into your marriage. Just because she isn't feeling guilty, don't feel like you need to carry the guilt.

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