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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: surprised by feelings post D
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all what I was expecting to feel but that sure is a good thing! I expected to feel worse, feel more pain, be grieving more because of thee finality of it.

I feel better! Not sure if it will last but I will enjoy it while it does. Also, if I should go down, feel that intense pain again, I can hold on to knowing how this feels, that the pain will not be a constant state of being.

I have started playing my flute and singing again with my good friend. It feels like reclaiming myself, a good part of me that I lost, a part that gives me pure joy. I have rediscovered total immersion in something that I enjoy! I have not had that since dday 1, almost 2 years of having that pain, that tape running in the background, the music helps to erase it now. For 2 years I could not listen to music, instant freefall into the pit of pain. I could not sing. I couldn't imagine ever enjoying music again. Funny the one thing that triggered my pain the worst is now the one thing that is helping me to heal.

Just wanted to put this out there for others to give hope. It really does get better. I did not believe it. I would read others posts of hope, of the promise of feeling better, but honestly I could just not believe it was true. It is true.

I am not happy about what has happened. I would have preferred to never know what this kind of pain feels like. I did survive it though and I do see light now. I see that I really deserved so much more throughout our marriage. I was losing myself and was too busy surviving each day to even consider if I was living my life.

So, day 2 after divorce, first morning in almost 2 years, my first thought for the first time, the very first time was not of him, what he had done, how he did not care, how he would rather watch me suffer than help me, instead my first waking thought, MUSIC! I had a song in my head when I woke up!

I am grateful.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great news.

I'm a singer/musician too, and couldn't pick up the guitar for a couple of years without making myself cry.

I've slowly picked it up again and really enjoy those moments, but have not resumed the songwriting yet. That part seems to have shut off completely for now.

But I expect when it comes back, it will be epic.

In the meantime I've channelled that creativity into writing award-winning academic essays, which is just another way of telling a story really.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:50 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17713 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, what a great post! You have made so much progress. I can't wait to see what else you do in the upcoming months/years. I know you have an amazing life in front of you!!!

I know this isn't the life you would have chosen, but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how wonderful it is.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3488 | Registered: Dec 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((can)))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2782 | Registered: Jan 2010
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel better!

The worst part is the process and uncertainty. With it finalized, that part of it is done and you can start moving forward in your life.

It feels like reclaiming myself

You are, because you are no longer part of a couple! This is so good tha tyou are viewing this as a positive.

You're right that it will still be a roller coaster, but I found (and this is my personal experience) that once the uncertainty of it was done, things were much better.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy for you Can.

Keep posting....we got your back.

Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have started playing my flute and singing again with my good friend. It feels like reclaiming myself, a good part of me that I lost, a part that gives me pure joy. I have rediscovered total immersion in something that I enjoy!

Can,

I just love this part of your post!! Keep on moving on with joy in your steps and heart.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have found music to be a path back to wholeness. So glad you are on your way as well!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt just great, then I went very down awhile. Its been a real strange rollercoaster ride post D. Now I am enjoying music again...after watching "Sugar Man" DVD & listening to Sixto Rodriguiz. =)

Happy for you!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS! Especially compared to how you felt a few days ago, before the D was final, is awesome. Inspiring. I can feel your hope and your progress and it gives me hope, too.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Can!! How positive. I can not wait to get to that point!!! Congrats!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone, I hope that I was able to offer a bit of hope to anyone that is struggling and finding hard to "believe".

Day 3 post D and I am still feeling good.

I am just so shocked by this still, I really thought I would feel worse. Making plans to play music again, weeded my garden for hours last night and would have kept going but it got dark.

People at work, people that don't know what I have been going through are commenting, several yesterday, "you look so happy", I even got two, never heard this before in my life but two people said, "you are glowing", wow, it shows, the relief shows.

Again, this is not what I wanted for my life but the way he treated me throughout our marriage and then laying infidelity and abandonment on top, sure don't want that.

It feels so good to throw away those eggshells, still some scattered about but I remind myself, I can stomp on them if I want to!

Just wanted to let you all know, no downward turn yet.

In spite of the repeated phone calls from him, I am still good. I just look at the phone and I don't answer! I don't have to! There is nothing left to say, there was too much said already.

I am not even blocking him because I do not have to, it is my choice to not answer and that feels kind of empowering.

Who would have thought????

Strength and hope to everyone, it really gets easier. There is life on the "other side".

Can (and did!)


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength and hope to everyone, it really gets easier. There is life on the "other side".

Can (and did!)

Yay for you!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in for this, too! 2.5 years out and I enjoyed a night out with friends this week at a C/W club and really enjoyed the music!!! Dancing, singing, it was great to be in the moment.

I hope this helps others, too. My XWS began a year affair with a woman he set me up to become friends with AFTER he was screwing her in our home while I was at work. AND XWH pretended to be her H's friend. Immediately after dday, I found out she has been married before, cheated, her H murdered her boyfriend, then killed himself. It was alot to process. I got a great counselor, even had to go outpatient treatment center.

That said,, I really feels great to have music and dancing back into my life, and I actually feel happy again for the most part!!


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2330 | Registered: Jan 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great post! I am thrilled when I see posts like this because they remind us that we do in fact "Survive Infidelity".

Enjoy rediscovering yourself and your happiness.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1924 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good stuff!!!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2616 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Futurefear
♀ Member
Member # 43176
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smiling through tears!
I needed to hear hope and happiness and peace exist again!


me- BW
him- WH
together 9 yrs, married 7
kids-8,5,17 mon
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations, Can! I hope this wonderful feeling continues for you as it has for me, almost 2.5 years from D.

Immediately after xpos left on Dday, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my chest. When D was close, I was sure I would break down when it was time to sign the final papers. I have a dear friends who was on almost the exact same timeline for Dday and the D. We had discussed it several times. But when the days finally came, we were both elated and only felt relief.

MY life is so much better now! NO MORE mental, verbal or emotional abuse; no one to control my thoughts and actions! Finally free to learn who *I* am and what *I* want from life!! Like my tag line says and where I'm from at the bottom of my posts.

((((Can))))


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2489 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thebighurt, I often read where you were from and I couldn't figure out what you meant! LOL, I thought you were referring to the "bad" side, the infidelity and pain side!

Now I get it! I so get it I live there too now! It was the hardest, most painful journey but I really like it on this side.

It is day 4 after D, still feeling good. Had a terrible trigger yesterday, a really bad one but after it was over, I was fine. I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of my day.

I saw xwh when I stopped for gas this morning, he drove by, just out of the corner of my eye, I didn't even feel the desire to look. Just wished that he lived further away, .

I am having a "friend" over for dinner in a couple of days. A guy I have known for several years casually, always liked him, we always talked about music and other things when he would come in to where I work. I never thought of him any other way than just a nice guy. I never thought of anyone in that way, probably because I was married and had boundaries and took my vows seriously.

Anyway, I think I could actually think of someone "in that way"! I was wondering if that part of me was dead, just gone, well I guess it isn't.

This feels safe, a slow start. A date with a friend that I like and feel safe with.

On Sunday I am playing music again with another friend, this "other side" feels pretty nice.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 20

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