Regarding recovering from two Ddays: it's hard. Near impossible. Years for trust to come back. But if you have many years together and they were positive and have family, etc, it may be worth it.
[This message edited by rachelc at 7:40 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
He NEEDS IC, I wouldn't attempt R without that. If he doesn't figure out his real reasons then there will be a third dday. And really get this part-he can not do this on his own or in MC. He needs someone to push him and dig deep into his issues.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Sorry this is long, but I wanted you to know the background before I speak to your question. You said you were going horseback riding, and I wondered if you have horses as well...if you do, I know the special problems involved in trying to separate a life when you share living beings. Some of the younger people here have children, and that is a special consideration you have to give, but for me, the thought of splitting up horses and dogs was just as hard. And that's before you get to the household goods and the house itself. So I stayed, he talked, I talked, I got IC. He was willing to go if I asked. We had our own counseling session after each of mine. He has done everything right...support, listening, reworking the way we deal with problems, opening up himself. Things are marvelous between us. I have no reason to doubt him...but that's the pattern. A long honeymoon period and then he seeks out this woman who apparently is ALWAYS available for him (she's been available to him for half of the 16 years off and on....WTF? No life of her own?)
My story is this...3 DD's is enough. I did not deal with the issues the last two times. So I felt it was in my own best interests to TRY this time as long as we could work on it. I love this man. I want to be with him, we are good friends and are working on being good lovers and partners. BUT, this is it. I live every day now knowing that this could happen again. I am doing everything I can do, on my own part, to be the partner he needs (not excusing his choice of having an A to deal with problems, but I owe it to myself and to him to work on my own issues.) If it happens again...that tells me it has nothing to do with me and he is unable or unwilling to curb his own destructive methods of dealing. I won't stay again.
You are already in MC and IC? Are you certain he's really working on it, or going through the motions? What was in the email exchange? Was he trying to pick up the A again, or seeking emotional support? Does it matter? For me, one more time and I'm out. Horses, dogs and all and I have a plan in place and he knows it. It involves a friend all the way across the country with a barn and a spare room and he would never see me again. THAT's what keeps him working on it now.
You kind of have to know what that line is for yourself. We're both toeing my line. As long as he is working on his own issues and we are both working to make our life together better than his A...I forgive the past. Maybe that's the point...what is he still looking for with her? What was he missing that he wanted her to give him and why did he not want that from you? If there is something he needs that he CANNOT get from you... you have two options, let him go find what he wants elsewhere or you live with his cheating forever. Only you two can work that out.
If this rambled, I'm sorry. But I know the pain of multiple DDs and it just comes pouring out sometimes. I'm so sorry you have to face it too.
I don't know how trust comes but it takes a LOOOOOONG time.