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User Topic: Present for baby?
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a dilemma. My niece is an OW and is now pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. The boyfriend has left the marriage and seems to want to have a life with my niece. I sent her an email when I first learned of the relationship, telling her that I didn't agree with what she was doing, etc...she ignored it and told my brother about it. Who in turn got angry with me. I haven't talked to them about it since. Although he did call me to tell me she was pregnant and all I said was "ok".

Now my family is trying to act like this baby is a God send (it's my brother's first grandchild) and my mother is trying to talk me into forgetting the fact that she was a homewrecker as "there is now a baby involved and you can't blame the baby". I'm torn. I don't want to speak to my niece, but I don't want to ignore this little human being either.

They live out in another state, but I know I will be expected to send a gift of some sort when the baby arrives. I'd like to send something that is for the *baby*, but in no way helps my niece out. I don't want to send $$, products, or clothes as this will help out my niece rather than being something the baby will appreciate years from now...know what I mean? I would have sent US bonds if I could, but they no longer exist....

Any recommendations or ideas for me?

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could buy a Disney stock or something like that?

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that I'd bother.
People have all kinds of "expectations" of me, but that doesn't mean that I have to perform like a trained dog for them, KWIM?

Send a card or if you feel you HAVE to send something, donate to a charity in the child's name. It benefits someone ELSE and not your niece.

Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Books. Those are for the baby's benefit. They are safe and neutral and so good for a child's development. No books recommended in the healing library though!

What a tough situation. My sis was a WW and left her H to marry the OM. This happened before my Dday, so while it was really upsetting, it would have been a whole lot more emotional for me if it happened later on. Even so, I was torn with how to treat the OM and my sis for a while because I felt like a traitor to my now XBIL. But for me I realized that I can honor my feelings about their relationship while maintaining a good relationship with my sister and her now H. That was too important to me to give up. Obv, I don't approve of how she or my now BIL handled themselves, but it's ultimately not about me.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the books suggestion. Just because she did a bad thing (understatement of the day) doesn't mean you can't give her things to encourage her to be a good mom, and books fit that description to me.

Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 449 | Registered: May 2014
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A scrapbook. It will help the kid to feel loved and cherished if it gets abandoned later.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5070 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A future counseling fund?

Not sure :( I agree that an OC takes none of the blame of his/her parents, but that the family seems so..... disregarding and minimizing of the actions and choices of your niece and her boyfriend is sad.

Likely your niece's boyfriend will cheat again - or your niece will - and that baby is going to grow up in a very chaotic and conflicted world. That is very sad.

What about an embroidered blanket with the baby's name? Or a special teddy bear, or inscribed children's Bible (or whatever religion the baby's family is), a book of poetry, or any special books.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Books sound like a good idea though I also agree with:

People have all kinds of "expectations" of me, but that doesn't mean that I have to perform like a trained dog for them, KWIM?
so giving nothing is also an option.

With that said, my brother's step-DD got pregnant at age 17 by a 25 yr old married guy. This same guy got ANOTHER 17 yr old preg around the same time! I don't hear much about the so-called father but he is definitely NOT in the picture and I think he is still married to the wife (the OC children are now 6) though the mothers may get cs from him, I'm not sure. This step-niece did get married and had another kid with her new, and seemingly nice H.

I get quite a chuckle at watching the garbage this step-niece posts on Facebook. One of the recent ones was admonishing women who have babies they cannot properly care for, etc. She said, "Keep your legs together!" (no mention or acknowledgement that advice might have also been good for herself at one time). She got married the same year, a few months after my DD did. Didn't come to my DD's wedding and didn't return her RSVP. And certainly did not send a gift. I did RSVP hers and attended the wedding, and gave her both a wedding and shower gift, but found it interesting she lamented on FB about the "lazy people" who did not RSVP! OMG. Surprise surprise, she didn't send thank-yous for either of the gifts.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:14 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 8

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