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User Topic: should I tell him?
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My discovery of H's LTA came about when I stumbled upon several years of old e-mails. I immediatly phoned AP's BH to tell him and find out if he knew-he didn't,we were both blindsided. The OW was out of the country working at the time, phoned my H to find out what was going on as she'd had several angry voicemails from her H. The A had been finished a year previously by my H (confirmed). Between them they decided to say the A had gone on for 6 years - in fact it was on and off for about 15. For a few days I believed that, until an aside in one of the e-mails made me realise how long it had really been going on, and my H made his major written confession.

OW's H was incredibly unstable after d-day - drinking heavily, not sleeping, not eating, smoking large amounts of dope, eventually on AD and a suicide attempt. I intercepted him on his way to our house with a hammer in his rucksack supposedly to bang nails into H's car wheels, but who knows how far it might have gone. Altogether, not helped by a completely unremorseful, blame-shifting wife, he was falling apart and he leaned heavily on me for many months. After a few discussions he told me he didn't want any more details of the A, and I never told him the full extent of it as he was so unstable I didn't want to tip him over the edge.

I have had no contact with him in about 1 1/2 years, apart from a terse phone-call from him to tell me his WW had terminal breast cancer. I outed her use of works time, space, phone,e-mail (including downloading large amounts of porn)to her work after making sure her H was going to be ok financially if she lost her job, and had a threat of RO from a pathetic, self-pitying letter via her solicitor to which I replied with relish and showed what a lying ..... she was.

My question.... Do I tell her BH now how long it really went on for? OW knows that I know, and I've left a prominent hint on her car window to tell him the truth which she ignored. My daughter knows it was longer than 6 years, but not how long, and she sees OW's daughter occasionally and could let slip - they used to be really close. What I really resent is the fact that I'll be carrying a large part of the secrecy of the A after OW pops her clogs and I just don't want to. Feels like I'm being complicit in their lying by witholding so much of it from her BH. If I was in his shoes I'd want to know everything to make my peace (or not?) before my partner died. Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

If it's the right thing to do I couldn't care less about the possible RO.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
niaveone
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask yourself this...what would telling him this info really do in the long run? If I were you, I'd just sit on the info. If you need to tell him in the future for some reason, then do so. The timing seems off right now. There is no real reason to tell him now. He isn't seeking you out or asking you questions at this point and is probably overwhelmed with dealing with her dying.

If in the future he seeks you out, then by all means don't lie. Tell the truth and be done with it. But right now seems wrong to me.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 288 | Registered: Aug 2013
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying, my worry is that if it does come out after she died (which maybe a long time away, I have no idea) he may feel cheated out of having the whole truth with which to confront, I think that's how I'd feel. My preference now is to sit on it unless he contacts me again in which case I shall tell him. But honestly not sure. Everything on SI indicates telling the other BS exactly what you know and I regret not telling him before, I just didn't think he could handle it at the time.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't. He told you before that he didn't want to know more. Som BSs really don't want the details, knowing that it happened is enough. And really, he knows she had a LTA, which is the important thing. If he decides that he does want to know more, he has your info.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 715 | Registered: May 2014
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sympathize with how hard a decision this is to make because I also would want to know EVERYTHING. But because he told you he didn't want to know any more I wouldn't tell him. He has the right to decide to not want any more info.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knows about the A. It's up to him if he wants more information/details than that. If he asks, be honest. If not, I would leave it alone.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies. Think as advised I'll sit on it unless he asks-I guess a LTA is just that, maybe numbers don't really matter.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Topic Posts: 7

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