OW's H was incredibly unstable after d-day - drinking heavily, not sleeping, not eating, smoking large amounts of dope, eventually on AD and a suicide attempt. I intercepted him on his way to our house with a hammer in his rucksack supposedly to bang nails into H's car wheels, but who knows how far it might have gone. Altogether, not helped by a completely unremorseful, blame-shifting wife, he was falling apart and he leaned heavily on me for many months. After a few discussions he told me he didn't want any more details of the A, and I never told him the full extent of it as he was so unstable I didn't want to tip him over the edge.
I have had no contact with him in about 1 1/2 years, apart from a terse phone-call from him to tell me his WW had terminal breast cancer. I outed her use of works time, space, phone,e-mail (including downloading large amounts of porn)to her work after making sure her H was going to be ok financially if she lost her job, and had a threat of RO from a pathetic, self-pitying letter via her solicitor to which I replied with relish and showed what a lying ..... she was.
My question.... Do I tell her BH now how long it really went on for? OW knows that I know, and I've left a prominent hint on her car window to tell him the truth which she ignored. My daughter knows it was longer than 6 years, but not how long, and she sees OW's daughter occasionally and could let slip - they used to be really close. What I really resent is the fact that I'll be carrying a large part of the secrecy of the A after OW pops her clogs and I just don't want to. Feels like I'm being complicit in their lying by witholding so much of it from her BH. If I was in his shoes I'd want to know everything to make my peace (or not?) before my partner died. Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?
If it's the right thing to do I couldn't care less about the possible RO.
If in the future he seeks you out, then by all means don't lie. Tell the truth and be done with it. But right now seems wrong to me.