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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out last night
Jamiez
New Member
Member # 44418
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. So I should explain briefly my situation. We have been together 6 years. Neither have ever cheated. 3 years ago I had emergency surgery for a spine, & brain condition. I was left permanently disabled. I have progressively gotten worse since. I have chronic pain, & other issues that kill my libido. He has been there for me in every way. I have in the past year become withdrawn as it's become harder to walk. I pull away, rarley leave the house aside from doctors aptts. I've pulled away from even sharing our favorite shows together as I've just been depressed, & angry at the world though I internalize this. Whenever he initiates sex I turn him down, & say leave me alone. We haven't had more then a little messing around in 2 years. That said he cheated a week and a half ago. I push him to go out with jus friends on the weekend as I feel guilty that he works 6 days a week & I'm not up to fun like before. He went out, got drunk ( which is rare ) & as he has been depressed the last 6 months due to this, & work issues, and things keep coming that are bad one after the other. We both have said we've gotten so down we've thought at times " what's the point of living? Why do this things keep happening? But we try to talk eachother up to keep trying. Well on top of his feeling helpless, & being drunk, our mutual friend ( whom I'm no longer friends with now ) convinced him to get high for the first time as he needs to forget about our struggles for a bit. Well e did & ended up cheating. He didn't have sex, but get did mess around. It was just the once, I am devasted, but to be honest while I do not feel it is my fault, I do understand to an extant when putting myself in his shoes. He has always been honest, I truly don't doubt that and I truly believe he has never been unfaithful for all six years, & I know he's had the opportunity. He is very good looking, & gets blatantly hit on. My question is, is it strange that despite my hurt, & anger, I actually still trust him? To be totally honest I almost feel like this isn't an entirely bad thing. While I have legitimate serious health issues, I absolutely have dropped the ball in our relationship in many ways, & have almost been waiting for a wake up call to stop withdrawing from life, & pushing him away. He certainly will need to earn my trust back, but is it wrong or weird that I'm feeling like this? As far as I know I've never been cheated on by anyone, & I just feel from what I've read others write that breaks my heart, that I'm not normal or atleast not in the majority. Advice or opinions apreciated.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Jamiez, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, the place where no one wants to be. There will be others after me with more experience to talk to you, but I just read your post, and want to reach out to you.

Firstly, wow, you have been through a LOT the past few years. No wonder you have become depressed, and you are stating all the classic signs of true clinical depression. Lots of reasons for you to be there, but please talk to your doctor about it and get some help. It's a terrible place to be, and the sooner you can start leaving there, the better off you'll be.

Secondly, YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE in any way, shape or form for his decision to cheat. That is 100% on HIM. It doesn't matter what you've done to have some problems with your relationship, no matter how bad things get, he has many other options available to him besides stepping out of the relationship. (Not sure if you're bf/gf or married.) Stop blaming yourself - right now!

Feeling betrayed and hurt is totally normal. Of course you will feel that way. You've been unhappy too, but you didn't choose another man to help you solve your problems. You've just been betrayed by the man you love. Betrayal and hurt is the tip of the iceberg.

Read the information in the healing library and the BS (betrayed spouse) FAQ's. Lots of really good advice and help in there.

You may feel like you "dropped the ball" in the relationship, but you've been going through hell it sounds like. That doesn't excuse or justify what he did.

You say you still trust him, but then you say he needs to earn your trust back. IMHO the latter applies. You'd be a saint if you trusted him the day after you found out. He DOES need to earn your trust back, and you need to set some ground rules and boundaries right away to set him on that track.

Gently, don't be 100% sure this was the only time. It usually isn't. Do some snooping if you can, and talk to him. Don't let him start off with lying or trickle truthing (tt). That's what happened with me, my WH lied during his confession, and 15 months later he's still lying - because I allowed it from day one (inadvertently, but I allowed it nonetheless).

I'm pretty new here myself, not entirely comfortable with giving advice, and as I said, more will follow me with more advice.

I'm sorry for your pain, and all you've been through the past 3 years. You shouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything else. But you came to the right place. Keep posting, we've all been there, and we all want to help.

(((and strength)))


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
Jamiez
New Member
Member # 44418
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your reply, & kind words Delilah! You're right this is not my fault, & relationship issues are not the reason for infidelity. I do believe in his mind that is how he was able to initially justify it, but he couldn't take the guilt, & dishonesty. I realize it may sound naive, but I have no doubt it was just the once. E have unusual circumstances with our home, & he runs a family business, it's too detailed to explain, but he doesn't have the opportunity ever even if he wanted to. Doesn't make it better, but I don't believe he has ever cheated on me or anyone in the past. See the thing is we are a same sex couple. While he is out to his family, he is not out to the employees. It is a construction type company, & across the border from us in mexico. So he's not able to be out in mexico at all. Regardless, he does need to prove himself, & regain my trust. I do not condone his indiscretion, but I would be lying if I said I don't understand at all. Still doesn't make it hurt any less.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the club that none of us ever wanted to join.

While 90% of us have very similar circumstances I really feel that yours is different. You ha e both been through the mill the last couple of years. That's a contributing factor to this. The other is he was drunk and stoned. This is a bad combo and if someone doesn't do this on a regular basis that really effects your judgements and he may not have done this under circumstances of he were just drunk.

That said he needs to do some serious work on himself to understand why he allowed himself to loose control at this level.

You need to focus on healing you physically and mentally. Being what you have been through is a life altering experience. He also needs to work on healing himself and own his shit.

I think you both would benefit from some IC. I also believe that you both will quickly move to MC.

Keep reading keep posting.
Make him get tested for STD'S.
See a lawyer. Find out your rights
Reach out to friends and family for support.
Allow others to help you beside your spouse. He cannot be your primary caregiver and your lover. It doesn't work. See if you qualify for a choreworker through your disability.

((( And strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, don't be naive and assume it never happened before. I cannot tell you how many times I have said the exact same thing on here, only I was insisting "he'll never do it again." I was very stubborn about it, I know him, we have 25 years together, blah blah, puke puke. It was VERY recently that my fog lifted and the lightbulb went on. I don't know him at all. 4 years ago I would have staked my life on he would never cheat on me. Then he had a 2 year affair. Then I would stake my life on he never would have done it if it wasn't for the whore setting him up. Until I realized how he jumped in with both feet, both eyes open, had the time of his life for those two years, became a liar, a manipulator, a CHEATER. Long story, check out my older posts if you're interested. It's been a rocky road for me in here.

But this is about you. You have been pushing him to go out with his friends. He HAS had opportunities before. I absolutely am not telling you that you're wrong, you don't know him, just asking you to be careful.

And as with any affair, but especially in a same sex situation, you should be tested for STD's, and insist he does as well. Important!

And remember, you did nothing to deserve this, and should not condone it. My marriage was a mess when H had his affair, but as I said, he had other choices/solutions. People cheat because something inside them allows them to cross a boundary. They will say anything to justify what they did; it's easier than admitting something is wrong inside them.

I hope your partner is as honest as you say. Getting the truth, the whole truth, up front and from his own mouth will make it much easier for you to start healing. It is a process, and very emotional. But as someone once told me, it is a marathon, not a sprint.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Another huge mistake I made, became very ill. On the upside, I needed to lose the weight anyway!

Again, keep posting. Everyone here cares.


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep posting Jamiez, if you are still confused or just need to talk. Sometimes your topic just runs out of answers, moves off page one so to speak. You can start a new topic whenever you want. Do whatever you need to keep the dialogue going if that's what you want.

I hope you and your partner have been able to talk some more and you are feeling better about things. If you're like most, you will start feeling angrier and angrier as you get further past DD and into the thoughts of the whole thing. Totally normal.

Hugs to you...


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
Jamiez
New Member
Member # 44418
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you I've decided to handle this in my own way. While I feel this sight is great, & helpful for most, I have a bit of unique situation, there are other factors I haven't shared, & unfortunatley can't relate to any posts I've read. I asked the moderator how to delete this account, but they haven't yet responded. Thank you for your insight. Good luck with everything. I'm so sorry for your pain, & what you're going through, & pray that it gets better in ever way as soon as possible. Good bless

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the same to you Jamiez. Just remember before you leave, something someone told me way back in the beginning.

Everyone here has a different story (though most follow the same pattern). Each person gives advice based on their own personal experiences and feelings. Sometimes you will feel angry or confused about something said to you that you 100% disagree with.

I was told "take what you need and leave the rest".

You're situation is unique, I understand that, but it never hurts to have people to bounce things off of.

Whatever you do, I hope it all works out for you, and you are happy with your decisions and end result.

Good luck to you. . . .


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is different from almost everyone here..but betrayal is betrayal.

You have been betrayed. Nothing excuses that.

The vows say..in sickness and in health...no?

He promised..and he broke it.

If you excuse his behavior and take part of the blame for HIS choices, you are setting yourself up for another dday. He will cheat again. Why wouldn't he? He will have had no consequences, and a wife who takes the blame.

Im sorry you feel so much at fault for his actions. I wish you luck and peace.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jamiez - I'm sorry that you don't feel welcomed to stay.
There are many different stories here, over 40 thousand.... each one unique. If you are afraid of being judged, or attacked, I can honestly say that won't happen, and if it does, you can walk away then. Opinions are like assholes, we all got one.

Best of luck to you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jamiez
New Member
Member # 44418
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please I don't want to hurt, or insult anyone here. I know we all have our own unique stories, & you all have intense pain. Last thing I want is to add even an ounce to any of that. I'm just saying I don't really have much pain over this, there are different circumstances, & facts that I have kept private. The day I joined I was really just looking for an answer to a question on the internet, but when I googled , I was such a situation specific question that nothing on google was similar. I saw this site, & started looking, only I had to join. I understand loss, grief, denial all that, I am a cancer, ( typical very emotional, sensitive, & in touch with my feelings lol ) I'm just not really that upset by this. I'm not blaming myself, I'm handling it, & making some changes, as well as making him make changes, & earn my trust among other things. Truth is I just don't relate to this site at this time, & no matter what updates, changes, or messages I've sent, it keeps sending me messages to my private email!! It's becoming an issue. So please I wish the best for all if you, maybe someday I will be in this type of situation, & it's great knowing this exists, & that it's helping all of you, but please, I'm begging the moderators PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT!!! I have never seen a site that doesn't allow you to delete your own account, & where the moderators or whom ever I'm repeatedly writing to request it removed is neither doing it, not responding. Please just remove me I AM BEGGING YOU at this point!! To everyone else good luck, God bless all of you, & you're all in my prayers!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three hours ago you posted that you had asked a mod how to delete your account. Im sorry that you feel you have been ignored, but the mods on this site have jobs, families, etc. Im sure they will respond when they see your messages.

Im glad you are ok with his betrayal. I hope you aren't in denial or shock, but you know you best.

Good luck.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 12

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