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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do we continue to put ourselves through this
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the question that burns in my head every day. He had hurt me more than anybody I had ever met in my life. He was suppose to love and honor and care for me. How could he do this and be able to look me in the eye and his conscience not crumble? That's not normal.
It's going to be a very tough long year this year. I'm not leaving my daughter with him nor will I disrupt her last year of school. She needs to focus for college and I cannot hurt her like he did us.
Today is a really down day. Stress headaches. This is the first day in a long time that I have cried for what he did to us, to our family.
Thought I moved past this only to be pulled back in yet again. I hate this pain!
I don't understand this sickness to cause pain to the ones you claim to love.

I cannot be with a person I never knew for so many years.
It upsets me even more that my life is not anywhere close to what I thought it would be. He ruined everything about me.

[This message edited by needadvise at 2:56 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the question that burns in my head every day. He had hurt me more than anybody I had ever met in my life. He was suppose to love and honor and care for me. How could he do this and be able to look me in the eye and his conscience not crumble? That's not normal.

No, it isn't, its pathologic, that is why lies are easy and acted out in manners that people earn an oscar for it.

It's going to be a very tough long year this year. I'm not leaving my daughter with him nor will I disrupt her last year of school. She needs to focus for college and I cannot hurt her like he did us.

Good for you, you do what is right always.

Today is a really down day. Stress headaches. This is the first day in a long time that I have cried for what he did to us, to our family.

When I have broken down and cried my WW only looks at me and doesn't know what the F...k to do. She is helpless.

Thought I moved past this only to be pulled back in yet again. I hate this pain!
I don't understand this sickness to cause pain to the ones you claim to love.
I cannot be with a person I never knew for so many years.

There is this soul connection between lovers and couples when broken it heals when it is broken on purpose like in cheating the brain sees it so much differently than the WS does. The brain sees it like they know we know and they do it anyway and they know just how bad it will hurt but they do it anyway, that is how our heart and brain see it and its that power that the betrayal is like worse pain than if a loyal and loving partner died, that's right, because they did it ON PURPOSE!

It upsets me even more that my life is not anywhere close to what I thought it would be. He ruined everything about me.

For now but many of the pieces will be restored, not all but many, trust me. This is my third survival attempt.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Steppinup. Thank you for breaking it down and explaining this to me. I all over the place today. This is not a normal day for me. I'm usually more control of my emotions.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
BlueinStLou
♀ Member
Member # 44416
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure that putting yourself through this situation is best for your DD? At 17, she is very close to adulthood. I would guess that she would want you to feel peace and not be so upset and ill.

My father had an affair and my siblings and I would never have wished our mother to stay in the marriage and suffer for us.


DDay1 3/26/2014
DDay2 4/15/2014
DDay 3 7/15/2014
DDay 4 8/15/2014

Me BS 40
WH 39

3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1


Posts: 184 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: St Louis MO
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing I learned that stands out the most in my head is how much a person can do against another while living right under the very same roof.

You see, (I will use the example of X so as not to generalize) he stopped loving me long, long ago, but couldn't figure a way out of the marriage or house we built. He didn't want to lose the house but couldn't figure out how to get myself and daughter out of it and move ow and junior in.

So, he knew he wanted out but not how to do it and stayed on until he found her, all the while going through a husband's motions until he met her and snapped...from the pressure, I think and couldn't hide what he was doing anymore...and she wanted him for herself.

When the person stops caring, they can still act like they do, especially to gain something they want. The other theory is that I was his equity and she his physical life, so he thought he had it made while he played us both...but it did blow up at him.

FWIW, what I notice is that the stages don't have an ending, so that I have things like that come back into my head and leave again and have flashbacks to this day.

It is a very powerful thing and for a long while I was shocked that actual human beings are capable of such hurt to others.

The cheating part is one thing but to know you are going to change someone's life forever...that's not cool.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:48 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2366 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LoveIsDead
♂ New Member
Member # 44424
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never can tell how much the people we love can destroy everything due to selfishness.

I'm new here, and recently had this happen to me. I ask myself the same questions, and there is no real reason. We can go over it over and over, but no matter what logical reasons, we will just never know just what was going on in those heads. I think that figuring it out and being able to answer the million dollar question of 'why' would make me us better in some way, but will that really satisfy us? I doubt it.


"Evil can only win when good men do nothing"

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: NM
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling with this desperately at the moment. How could he care so little about me over and over again. Maybe a one night thing, but a continual betrayal like he did, it is killing me inside. During the affair he was a ver different person and I try to think of him as that person and the one he is now and before the affair, but days like today it doesn't work very well and the fact that it was still him, the only man I have ever loved, the only man that I truly trusted, the man I thought was always in my corner. The same man that held me during the birth of our six kids, who I trusted to confide my CSA in, the man who I held when his father battled cancer, who cried in my arms when his father died. The man who I held the fort for over five years whilst he worked full time, and was away for weeks at a time, many weekends and nights so he could pursue the army reserves. That I trusted with my whole being.

And then on an army reserves weekend he saw her and things went rapidly downhill, I knew something was up but thought it was work stress and that it would be better once we moved for his new role interstate. Two weeks after we moved he started the physical affair with her at an army weekend and he treated me worse and worse and I thought I was doing something to drive him away, I wasn't slim enough, I wasn't interesting enough, I wasn't a good enough wife and mother and that if I kept the house cleaner, the kids better behaved, lost some weight and wasn't so boring he would start to love me again. But all the time I was beating myself up, I didn't matter at all to him. Only she did. He put her above everyone and everything that we had built together, and has destroyed me in the process.

How can I still love him after that? I still do, I hate that I do, I just wish I felt nothing for him and I could move on. But no matter what I do, it hurts and I have to live with that hurt wether I stay or go. I have to live with knowing I was worthless to him and I will know that for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew the answer


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Stunnedmullet)))
So very sorry. I feel your pain. I pray for strength for the both of us.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO STUNNDEMULLET

...."I wasn't slim enough, I wasn't interesting enough, I wasn't a good enough wife and mother and that if I kept the house cleaner, the kids better behaved, lost some weight and wasn't so boring he would start to love me again. But all the time I was beating myself up, I didn't matter at all to him. Only she did. He put her above everyone and everything that we had built together, and has destroyed me in the process.

How can I still love him after that? I still do, I hate that I do, I just wish I felt nothing for him and I could move on. But no matter what I do, it hurts and I have to live with that hurt wether I stay or go. I have to live with knowing I was worthless to him and I will know that for the rest of my life.

I wish I knew the answer"....

Yes, that is how I have felt. My WW even told me how interesting the AP was (so I'm not?), how much he romanced her (so I don't?) and was fun to be with (so I'm not?), how she was so deeply in love with him (so she is not in love with me).

It's such sick mind games, and we have an obliation to ourselves to defend our place our position as worthy humans. Its not about any of this, it about someone (our WSs) and their need for external-to-the-marriage validation. that is the sum of these stupid games. Make no doubt of this many women who look like models get cheated on, many hansome and hardworking men get cheated on, funny people, nice people all kinds of good and loving and high-value people get cheated on. Its not the person (BS), its the other person (WS) that has the problem, believe in this TRUTH and you will find the strength to rise up and carry on and if you want to find new love, a new perfect love which you can feel safe and trust. God Bless.

[This message edited by steppingup at 4:40 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
SunshineSoul
♀ Member
Member # 43374
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading these posts is sucking the air out of my lungs, but also comforting me at the same time.

Throughout all of this nightmarish pain, anguish, depression and confusion, I have felt so incredibly alone. Shame. For me and for him. My case is so extreme. Over 40 OW, 4+ years, a baby for us in that timeframe, and a lovely permanent reminder (herpes). It's just surreal. I can't even comprehend the betrayal. I've been trying to make sense of how my best friend could hurt me deeper than any pain I thought was possible. And continue to hurt me.

But there is no sense in this. Even now, the same patterns continue, and he doesn't even care enough to recognize it. He starts arguments, so he can make me mad, and then use it as an excuse to "punish" me. I'm starting to see it. Waking up. I don't deserve this, and neither do my beautiful children.

So why do I continue to hope?


Me = BS, 36
Him = WH, 42
2 beautiful kids: 6yo & 11 month old.
Married since 2001, together since 1998.
Dday = Feb 20, 2014.

It's just not that simple.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2014 | From: West Coast
Topic Posts: 10

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