Don't make any kind of decision right now.
Remember to keep eating, drinking, and exercise...even if you just try to take a little walk every day.
Read the stuff in the healing library in the upper left corner.
I'm sure you will get more and probably better advice but I have to say for as bad and hopeless as you feel right now..you can survive and you can reconcile. Best of luck to you. Keep posting here there are many good people with good advice.
Keep reading. There is so much wisdom here. Read "Not Just Friends", if you haven't. Get your spouse to read it, too. I don't know your situation, but hang in there.
I edit, therefore I am.
The story is long. I typed it out in a post I posted in Just Found Out Confront the OW or not. It is on the 2nd page if any are interested.
I'd bet a majority of the people here who have recovered (both D and R) made use of her findings an approaches. Click on the Amazon link to get it in a plain, brown wrapper.
Also, read the R & G forums and the Healing Library (see the yellow box, upper left of SI pages) and threads in JFO with bull's eyes on their titles and the 'What every WS needs to know' in the WS forum.
I'll consider my W & I reconciled when we're back to dealing with everyday life & M issues and not dealing (much) with her A. We're almost there, IMO, so yeah, I think lots of people can reconcile/rebuild....
I think the requirements are:
BS wants to R.
WS is remorseful, wants to R, and is willing to do the work to change from being a cheater to being a good partner.
BS & WS are willing to do the work of Rebuilding the M.
It's not easy, but for my W & me, R is easier than D.
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:44 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
We are 20 months out from D-Day. I do not struggle every day. I think about it every day. But I do not struggle. I read the book Sisoon recommended, Not Just Friends. My H also read portions of it as well as, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair and After the Affair. You can look those up on Amazon as well.
You need not think too far ahead right now. Just focus on you for now - eat, sleep, exercise, breath deeply, call a friend, visit SI.
Best wishes and big hugs to you.
[This message edited by LA44 at 8:30 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
R is a lot of work with a fully remorseful WS. It is impossible without one.
Stick around and keep posting. We are here to help & support on your journey wherever it may take you.
I just don't know if I have any fight left in me for this.
That's different.... R is eminently possible, but that doesn't mean you have to choose it. I'm biased toward R, but I'm even more biased toward figuring out what's best for you and choosing that outcome, whatever it may be.
With an unremorseful WS, the answer can be pretty simple - dump the so-and-so. Even if your WS were remorseful, however, if you don't feel like doing the work - for any reason - you can D with your head held high.
In choosing between R & D, do what's best for you.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:34 AM, August 8th (Friday)]
11 mo EA/PA
I don't think my post in JFO was clear. They have no contact. It started in 8/2011 and ended somewhere in early 2012. I have their fb messages. They started while she was having problems with her boyfriend. Her and her boyfriend broke up. Her and my WS get more serious. Then it seems he isn't giving her enough time attention and things start to cool down between them. The messages get further apart an start to not be as personal. During this time she gets back with her boyfriend and he moves in with her. I guess that finalized it for them. I think my WS thought she would just sit home waiting for him. I'm not sure. In the messages he asked her where things went wrong and she says him giving me that ring tone and him always saying he will go over and then canceling for something to do with me.
I do think he is remorseful. I just am not sure that can save this marriage. He has been going to counseling. He has deleted his fb and has said he will not go to football for our son if that is what I want. That only hurts my son. At this point I don't think a NFC is needed. I think she will just love that. I only found out 6/7. This ended around April 2012. He boyfriend is the one who had these messages all this time and just have them to my BFF who gave me them. The last message my WS sent her was 6/1/2012 saying does your Boyfriend know?