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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: If I could only take it all away.
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always considered myself to be a good person. With issues. A kind hearted sweet girl who is shy and self conscious but considerate and respectful. I never put others first. I never really put myself first either. I just kind of floated through my life as an observer. Rarely getting close enough to one person to have to really open up. I thought I was growing, or that I would grow but I didn't bother to put much time into myself. I figured it would happen when the time was right....not wrong

I have never felt a pain so real so raw and awful as when I realize that my failure to know myself and have a loving relationship with myself put me on a direct path to deceit and betrayal. How could I be a good wife if I couldnít be a friend to myself?

What I never realized and never considered before I hurt you.

I never could have imagined the pain I could inflict upon you. I never considered that my actions could hurt so badly.

I never considered that I would take our beautiful home away. That all of the memories we shared would be taken. That all of the memories I didnít have would be poisoned and ruined as they came back to me.
I never could have imagined that you could change so much, cry so much. When I made the choice to betray you I never considered that I would be taking away the happiness our children so deserve, that they would loose their father, his playfulness. That I would bring so much anger into the home that would influence them. I never thought that my daughter would hurt. That my son would have pain.

I never considered that all the moments we shared would be ripped from your heart and smashed as though they meant nothing. I didnít realize I was doing that to you.
I never considered that my actions would change the course of our lives forever. That I would hurt not just you but all of our families and our friends that would know. I can only imagine how your mother has hurt and your father has ached over the devastation their son has felt. At not being able to make it go away. I never considered any of that.

It is the worst pain I have known,to see that every holiday, birthday and event has been altered by me. By my selfish despicable actions.

I have taken the cheerfulness of Christmas, the playfulness of Halloween, the thankfulness of thanksgiving and the love away from fathers day, family day.

The celebration of our babies births have forever been changed. You held my hand and we brought our children into this world together.

I never realized that I would ruin camping, music, movies and bedtimes.

I see you. I see you cry when you kiss our boy goodnight. I see you tremble when you console our daughter from a fall. I am next you you as you shake with adrenaline as you cook us dinner, like you did when we were innocent.

I hate what I did. I wish that I could take it all away. That I could have another chance to make the right decision. Iíve made so many wrong ones.

Now nearly all I can see is your pain and anguish. You've become so good at smiling now, you can almost fool me. But I see your heart, I just cant reach it and find how to sew it up again. 2 years and where has the time gone? Our children are bigger but our hearts are still broken.

I see that the world is turning but it is as though our own little home stands still in the middle of it all. Stuck in space and time glued to the past like a stain on what was the most beautiful satin.

You were right. Everything we needed WAS right there, between us. We had it all. All I needed to do was speak my heart. To know myself and tell you what I needed from you. Demand it. But instead I retreated and destroyed what was so beautiful.

Can china ever be glued together again? Can we take what is broken and build something even stronger and maybe add something more resilient to keep it together?

I love you even though you you donít believe it. I admire your strength. Your heart is bigger than any I have known and although you show me so much anger. I know that you are only hurting. For you are just a boy in there, hiding behind it all, a boy whoís heart is broken and who is crying for the love and nurture you deserve and need.

You are so special.


[This message edited by NewBelle at 1:37 AM, August 8th (Friday)]


"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
takingitdaybyday
♀ New Member
Member # 44259
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post made me cry.. if only it were that simple to take all of the pain away and make the right decisions. What I would give for that!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck to you.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was beautiful to read. I wish I had received something like this, I think it would help me a lot...

Best wishes to all of you!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 171 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written that. The heartache of knowing it was completely unnecessary, that all I had to do was approach my husband and open my heart to him is the thing that haunts me most. Seeing and hearing his pain knowing I didn't need to hurt him like I did but I chose to anyway. If I hurt this much, how great is his pain?


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 286 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only wish someday to get a letter like this from my WW


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
NewBelle
♀ New Member
Member # 42560
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of you who read and replied to my post. I only wish it were enough. I fear that there will never be enough words or positive actions big enough to truly show just how I feel about what I did and how I treated my love.

I want you to know "A" I do love you. I hope that one day you will let your guard down and let yourself feel that. Even if I have lost you. I still hope.



"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.

Me-WW
Him-BS
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6


Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: WestCoastofBC
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for that beautiful post.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 613 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a beautiful post.

But it made me wonder, what have you been doing or are you doing to let your BH know these thoughts? What do you do when you sense his adrenaline rushing?


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 252 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewBelle,

That was really beautiful.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2014
cnr12
♂ New Member
Member # 43923
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for putting words to how I feel

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2014
twisted36
♀ New Member
Member # 44432
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutley!! As I cried reading; it also says so much of what I want to and don't know how! Best of all to you and yours.


Me: WW 36
Husband: BS 44

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2014
Reallyscared
♀ Member
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in tears reading this...you truly capture the essence of it all.
I wish you the most brilliant of reconciliations and I'll pray for your marriage.

(((hugs))))


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jun 2014
Iceland
♂ New Member
Member # 44172
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like you are doing everything possible to make ammends for your indiscretion. Reading this it makes me appreciate my wife's efforts as well to help me heal from her A. Your husband sounds like a great guy and you a great person. This doesn't define you. Nor does my wifes A define her. Us guys for whatever reason as a rule struggle to forgive as quickly as woman. If he has read this,I can't imagine this not melting his heart. Keep up the good work! It's not how you start the race, it's how you finish! May our Loving Father in Heaven bless your family with strength to get through this!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 14

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