I have always considered myself to be a good person. With issues. A kind hearted sweet girl who is shy and self conscious but considerate and respectful. I never put others first. I never really put myself first either. I just kind of floated through my life as an observer. Rarely getting close enough to one person to have to really open up. I thought I was growing, or that I would grow but I didn't bother to put much time into myself. I figured it would happen when the time was right....not wrong
I have never felt a pain so real so raw and awful as when I realize that my failure to know myself and have a loving relationship with myself put me on a direct path to deceit and betrayal. How could I be a good wife if I couldnít be a friend to myself?
What I never realized and never considered before I hurt you.
I never could have imagined the pain I could inflict upon you. I never considered that my actions could hurt so badly.
I never considered that I would take our beautiful home away. That all of the memories we shared would be taken. That all of the memories I didnít have would be poisoned and ruined as they came back to me.
I never could have imagined that you could change so much, cry so much. When I made the choice to betray you I never considered that I would be taking away the happiness our children so deserve, that they would loose their father, his playfulness. That I would bring so much anger into the home that would influence them. I never thought that my daughter would hurt. That my son would have pain.
I never considered that all the moments we shared would be ripped from your heart and smashed as though they meant nothing. I didnít realize I was doing that to you.
I never considered that my actions would change the course of our lives forever. That I would hurt not just you but all of our families and our friends that would know. I can only imagine how your mother has hurt and your father has ached over the devastation their son has felt. At not being able to make it go away. I never considered any of that.
It is the worst pain I have known,to see that every holiday, birthday and event has been altered by me. By my selfish despicable actions.
I have taken the cheerfulness of Christmas, the playfulness of Halloween, the thankfulness of thanksgiving and the love away from fathers day, family day.
The celebration of our babies births have forever been changed. You held my hand and we brought our children into this world together.
I never realized that I would ruin camping, music, movies and bedtimes.
I see you. I see you cry when you kiss our boy goodnight. I see you tremble when you console our daughter from a fall. I am next you you as you shake with adrenaline as you cook us dinner, like you did when we were innocent.
I hate what I did. I wish that I could take it all away. That I could have another chance to make the right decision. Iíve made so many wrong ones.
Now nearly all I can see is your pain and anguish. You've become so good at smiling now, you can almost fool me. But I see your heart, I just cant reach it and find how to sew it up again. 2 years and where has the time gone? Our children are bigger but our hearts are still broken.
I see that the world is turning but it is as though our own little home stands still in the middle of it all. Stuck in space and time glued to the past like a stain on what was the most beautiful satin.
You were right. Everything we needed WAS right there, between us. We had it all. All I needed to do was speak my heart. To know myself and tell you what I needed from you. Demand it. But instead I retreated and destroyed what was so beautiful.
Can china ever be glued together again? Can we take what is broken and build something even stronger and maybe add something more resilient to keep it together?
I love you even though you you donít believe it. I admire your strength. Your heart is bigger than any I have known and although you show me so much anger. I know that you are only hurting. For you are just a boy in there, hiding behind it all, a boy whoís heart is broken and who is crying for the love and nurture you deserve and need.
You are so special.
"Don't believe everything you think"....you may just ruin everything.
DDay#1 September 2012
DDay#2 May 2013 (the remainder of my tt)
Children 4 and 6