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Newest Member: devastated92414 (45347)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: rough week
mom2my4kiddos
New Member
Member # 44174
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So dh and I decide last weekend to Reconcile. Sunday was a great day, but then several evenings this week we've argued. Well not really argued, but had discussions that were less than positive IMHO. He's still all over the map, emotionally and doesn't want to see a counselor because he feels like everyone is sayng something is wrong with him if he does. This week that was supposed to be about us moving forward has somehow become more about things I did in the past to make him feel like an outsider and jealousy That HE has over a guy that I had ONE conversation with after dh told me he had no interest in me anymore. Of course,he says he didn't mean that and he's sorry, which I'm trying to accept,but then he's been holding on to stuff that I don't even remember for years! The other night he said. That he just didn't know if can get past all this and make this marriage work,but I'm starting to feel like he isn't even trying : (


Me: BS 43
Him:WS 41
Dday 7/16/14
Hoping for R but sometimes I think my hope is fading.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he feels like everyone is sayng something is wrong with him if he does.

he had an affair. There IS something wrong with him. Staring this fact in the face is paramount for the wayward in recovery. Would he read?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5271 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tl502
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A remorseful spouse is an absolute necessity for R. He doesn't sound remorseful.
Regardless of the state of your m before the a, regardless of whatever problems you might have had back then, you both will have to deal with the a and the fallout from that first. He's going to want to deal with old business first because the a was totally, 100% his fault, and he won't want the loss of power that comes with fixing himself that comes with it.
Your ws is trying to blameshift you. Get into ic yourself. There's probably not much use in mc with his current frame of mind. Ic was an absolute must in our situation. My h was at his ic 3 days after dd. There's nothing wrong with getting ic especially if you are trying to save your family.
Attempting R is a gift that the bs gives the ws. Infidelity is not an acceptable behavior in any situation. He should be thanking you every day for giving him the chance to prove himself worthy.
And by the way, there is something wrong with someone who cheats on his spouse, he needs to find out what it is and fix it.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 298 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well you can have IC as a requirement for R.

Also, you have to keep the discussions in order and put things in the right perspective. Sure, there were issues in your matrimony prior to the affair that could have been contributing factors. That part is fine. However, he can NOT blame you for the affair because that was a choice HE made, not you.

My FWW would talk about thinks and try to keep it in the right order. There's lots we can talk about as to life prior to A. Then there's the A itself and then life after the A. There's also lots of talks about FOO and her own personal issues that could have been contributing factors.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. The first few months are so rocky and raw. He may not be able to sit with all the emotions yet. IC can really help that. If he wants to put his marriage back together the right way counseling is going to help give him the help to do that. I wish you the best.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 5

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