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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He thinks I'm crazy
CJ888
♀ New Member
Member # 44428
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3 weeks post discovery of his A and he thinks my emotional responses are because I'm crazy and not because he ripped my heart out. He is not an overly emotional person. How can I help him to understand that my emotions are normal and ok?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Salem
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have him read How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could point him here, without revealing your ID.

It might be better to give him a copy of NOT "Just friends" by Shirley Glass and tell him not to talk to you until he's read it.

There's a link to Amazon just to the left. There's also a very well-respected book called something like How to Help Your Betrayed Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

IIRC, both are downloadable; I know the 2nd one is.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10578 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about kick him between the legs and then tell him to go on as though the next few minutes are normal and he hasn't been nutcrackered.

I told MrH he should be worried if I wasn't hurt. That place of neutrality and no emotions should be his worry rather than you showing emotions.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11282 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CJ888

I suggest "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

Here is the link to DL the free PDF http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

This helped my WH see why I was doing the things I was. He was confused why I kept asking the same questions over and over etc, until he read this. Then a lightbulb went out. We read it out loud together. She is religious and talks about God a bit, but we still got the gist of what she was saying. Easy very practical read.

Is your spouse not remorseful at all for his actions? This is a bit of a red flag, however I was "fortunate" in that when I discovered my WH affair he broke down and realized the depth of the damage he did to me. His A had to do with low self esteem in himself, so I am not sure the reasons are related but some WH take longer to realize the gravity of what they have done.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smash him in the nuts with a hammer while he sleeps. and when he reacts, tell him it is because he is crazy, and he isn't reacting normally.

Sorry your WS is an ass.

One thing that helped my BS and I was MC. We were reading books, reading SI, reading blogs, reading articles, but it really helped us having our MC help us to be reassured that what we were going through was normal feelings, and a natural progression.

ETA: crossposted

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 1:35 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The McDonald book is great.

However it's not supposed to be free. She uses sales of the book to fund her website.

I made the mistake of downloading it then I emailed her about paying for it.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 242 | Registered: May 2014
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is called gas lighting. It is a typical cheater response. They will question your sanity, then they'll down play everything, they will deny, deny, deny. They will give you trickle truth, but only after you have undeniable evidence. They will later say they never denied anything but told you the truth the first time around. You need to disconnect from him because he will drive you crazy.

I bought my husband all the books listed above, but he didn't read them. I read them and they are good. If you can get him to read them it might be a good start.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman). Moved and affair ended.
Currently separated because of his alcohol addiction and boundary issues.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jan 2007
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the wayward forum, there is a thread written by Hufi-Pufi, What Every wayward Spouse Needs to Know. It's on page 6 right now. I'd bump it up for you, but I am not able to post there. Perhaps one of our WS's could do that? It's an excellent post..and it is *spot on* when it comes to understanding a BS's emotions.

You are not crazy..you have been betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit..and that doesn't start until he finds true remorse..and there is no TT. (Well..you can heal with an unremorseful WS..but the marriage can't survive.)

Or, you could just, you know, kick him in the balls, as previously suggested. (just kidding...just kidding..sorta..no..really)


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the wayward forum, there is a thread written by Hufi-Pufi, What Every wayward Spouse Needs to Know

I think this post (iirc it is on another blog or website as well) might be the best single resource with things that a wayward can actually do to help. I know my WW has liked it.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
CJ888
♀ New Member
Member # 44428
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your input. I would love to punch him in the balls, however, I bought the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair. He said he is going to read it with me when it arrives in 2 days. We shall see.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Salem
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone has affirmatively said this, so just for the record, I'll shout since he seems a little deaf:

This is a NORMAL response to a TRAUMATIC EVENT. Three weeks after D-Day is A VERY SHORT TIME. He should expect that the damage he's done will take YEARS TO HEAL and require that he do some very HARD WORK. And if he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you.

Hit him in the balls with that.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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