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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Shocked
thestepfordex
♀ New Member
Member # 44345
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wayward partner has never been remorseful for anything in his life. He cheated on his pregnant ex-wife before me and cheated on me when I was pregnant as well. He lied and lied until finally I had a folder of proof and shoved it in his face.

I don't know what happened but when I shoved all the proof in his face it was like something clicked in his head. This guy who has always been "I do what I want and I don't answer to no one." has done a complete 180. He has apologized, he constantly asks about how I am feeling and what he can do to make me feel better, he is helping with the children and chores 100%, he admitted he has a problem and has been encouraging me to look at his phone usage and anything else I want to look at, he even told me if I were to put a mobile spy on his smart phone I would be totally justified in doing so.

Words are cheap to me so when he says things I don't take it seriously. The OW pretended to be a friend to us both and would often give us stuff for the kids when I had no idea what was going on. We don't have a lot of money and her father gave us a bed for one of our children. Today I told him it bothered me fully expecting him to tell me I was being unreasonable, old WP would do that. He looked at me and asked me if I'd like him to sell it, if I would like to take an axe to it and toss it out the window into the dumpster, if I'd like him to instantly remove it and put it on the road, or if I would like to drive it to OW house and burn it on her front lawn. I was shocked. He took my hands and told me that whatever would make me feel better he would do and he then apologized for putting me through this.

I don't know. This is so new. He's never been like this. We are strapped, we can't afford another bed, but his willingness to get rid of it instantly for me means a lot. Maybe he is ready to grow up and be a husband and a father. He's been very forward with answering my questions and he has been giving me proof of what he is saying because "He doesn't deserve my trust because he is an addict who has made awful choices."

He was never remorseful with his ex-wife. When shown proof of his affair during his relationship with her he simply denied it. She caught him with the OW and he still denied it. He continued to lie about until I got him to confess and I made him apologize to her for being a scummy cheating liar. Maybe there is hope for a recovery?


Betrayed Partner: Me (30)
Wayward Partner: Him (31)
Kids: Mine- 10,7 His- 8 Ours- 1
Together: 2/4/2012
DDAY #1: 5/27/14 Long Term PA
TT: 5/27-7/29/14
DDAY #2: 7/30/14 Finally admits it.
Working on Reconciliation. We'll see..

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: New England
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is an unremorseful serial cheater, who, this time, is suddenly remorseful?

I think you're right to be skeptical.

Other than saying he is sorry and helping around the house, what is he doing? He needs to be in IC to fix whatever is broken inside him that allows him to cheat in his relationships. If he isn;t willing to go to IC, it would be best for you to have him leave now. Otherwise, he is just pretending to be "good" now, but after awhile, he will go right back to his shitty treatment of you.

Do you have full access to all of his accounts? Phone, Facebook, bank,etc? Passwords included?

Has he sent a NC email to OW? One that you approved of and sent?

Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

Is he answering all of your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Is he aware it take 2-5 years to heal from this shit? And..that's if he is remorseful, not TTing you, and working on himself in IC.

What is he *doing*?

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:50 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7668 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with confused on the you have every right to be skeptical part.

I would personally look for a burner phone. I would also cautiously watch his behaviors, not his words.
I get that there isn't any extra money right now, and you have a little one that needs your love and attention. But what about you? What do you want? Do you want to stay with him? If you had a pocket and bank full of money would you still be there? If so proceed with caution, but watch for him be consistent. If you would have walked then you need to figure out what your dealbreakers are now, and be abundantly clear with him what your intentions are should he break them.

Keep reading, and keep posting.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thestepfordex
♀ New Member
Member # 44345
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have full access to all of his accounts? Phone, Facebook, bank,etc? Passwords included?

Yes. He gave me full access to everything and passwords and pin numbers. He even showed me his secret *hidden* folders (that I already knew about but was testing him) on his phone. I am far more technologically advanced then him. He didn't even know how to clear his browser history.

Has he sent a NC email to OW? One that you approved of and sent?

He did it before I found out. It's why she came to me and ratted on him. It was very nasty. He definitely burned that bridge.

Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

Yes. I have HPV. They don't have a test for men for is but he takes full blame for me having it. Otherwise he came back clean.

Is he answering all of your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Before I found all the proof he was. Now, he isn't at all. When he actually looked at what he had done he seemed shocked at how much was actually there. He stated he clearly had a seriously sex problem and needed to get counseling. He has since made an appointment for IC.

Is he aware it take 2-5 years to heal from this shit? And..that's if he is remorseful, not TTing you, and working on himself in IC.

I've sent him some of the articles from this site and he did read them. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I have horrible panic attacks now. When I get them (which is 4 or 5 a day now down from 1 a week) he seems absolutely disgusted with himself and has outright said, "How could I do this to another person? I am so sorry. What do you need from me to make this better?" I told him I felt pressure to just "get back to normal" and he said he'd understand if I never trusted him again but he would love me and stay by my side regardless. I don't want to break up our family. I love him, I really do. I'm just afraid he is going to be like this for a month and just fall back to his old self and I don't think I can handle that emotionally.

Right now we have so many good things going for us. He just got an interview for a job that makes 3x what he makes now. We are saving to buy a house and a new car for me. Our daughter is awesome and just started walking. Our older kids get a long so well and have adjusted to the routine of our huge blended family. His ex-wife is shocked with this behavior from him and has told me, "never in a million years would I think he would take responsibility for his actions." I don't know. He's saying and doing the right things now but for how long?


Betrayed Partner: Me (30)
Wayward Partner: Him (31)
Kids: Mine- 10,7 His- 8 Ours- 1
Together: 2/4/2012
DDAY #1: 5/27/14 Long Term PA
TT: 5/27-7/29/14
DDAY #2: 7/30/14 Finally admits it.
Working on Reconciliation. We'll see..

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 4

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