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User Topic: cheating....confused?
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been married for nearly 3 years now.we had a love marriage were truly happy he was expressive caring the kind who gets flowers the lot...6 months into our marriage I was using his computer cos mine kept shutting down to watch a movie...I saw a link on the browser livewebsexcam....I didn't think much of it went on watching movie but the thought stayed I looked up history for that day and was do u know porn.was confused we had been married just 6 months ...was hurt I confronted him he said it wasn't him it was his friend who borrowed his laptop I believed but then went back to laptop found months old history more porn...The porn never stopped he just grew smart with hiding it I accepted it as a part of him...I was OK with it....we had a baby 6 months later he was to go on a business trip for 3 days came back saw his navigation two strip clubs I broke down again confronted although I thought I would play it slow he admitted said it was his friends who took him he was disgusted and left soon after...I said fine two weeks later another trip..This time he came back there was a wound on the tip of his penis....I linked it to lap dance it seemed like a zipper mark ...He denied said he did it to himself...my mind has been bothered ever since the repeated porn n now this just was hard to let go I put a tracker on his phone he went for 3 more trips .....2 hrs phone off unaccounted for Said his battery died n he was lost took him 2 hrs to get home ...He was on 7 minutes away ...my mom recently passed away n I had to head home was gone 6 weeks ...When I came back he changed his password Gmail locked. His phone.i didn't think much of it till one day I had to use his phone to call my dad n as I was waiting I looked through his messages there was a message saying I'm low on phone credit could u text instead and my husband asked how much for hh? She replied 150 roses.i thought it was weird noted down number and waited to call my dad again he came asked me for phone did something n returned it I looked at messages again he deleted it...now I was bothered I went out to patio he ran downstairs following me asking who u calling I said my dad but he wouldn't go away till he saw me dialing I knew something was up...looked online found out hh meant half hour of service.I dialed the number it was wrong I might have jotted down the wrong number in a hurry..I went back asked him he said it was the florist he was asking how many 100 dollars worth roses n she wrote 150 I said you did u type hh n he said he was driving it was a mistype.yes I know I'm dumb I wrote the question at the message on yahoo found out roses was code for dollars n it was a hooker....yet once again I went back n asked he said it was from Craigslist a massage parlor n he didn't know it was this n it sounded shady when she wrote 150 so I didn't write back he said you don't u call after weekend n see he knew the number I had wasn't working cos he redialed it himself....I believed him later on went on Craigslist found the massage were 50 dollars almost all!!! I asked him again to show me the ad he said fine he opened Craigslist n adult back stage page and said keep looking n if u can't find it I can open more links for u to look.he has locked his phone did double verification for his gmail...I asked him for passwords saying I don't trust him after this incident he's not bothered ..He says I just texted I didn't go but I will if u keep pestering I really Wana believe him but im.not to sure I thought about the way he acted those weeks coming home making love midday like never before he did this twice. And the third day came n started force kissing n groping me that felt awkward. ..should I trust him? I added key logger on the computer it's only a matter of time before he finds out he's been searching porn lately cheating porn milf porn....found out his consultant is a mom of 4 month old...n literally there's porn everyday.everytime I confront there's never substantial proof he has a reason an explanation each time. ..This time I'm not to sure recently he also celebrated my bday.but I don't know anymore how to I catch him? Am I wrong? Could I be paranoid? There have been so many signs yet I dunno what to u all think? I don't want to lose my marriage and my kid to be fatherless without proof it's been a week now I keep telling myself I can go through with this but my mind just not at ease anymore the constant small lies...n the things over the past n the recent hooker message n behavior has left me to rethink!

[This message edited by annie123 at 2:37 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This man is cheating on you. Im so sorry.

He is exposing you to STD's. Please get tested right away..and no more sex with him until he is tested.

It's not "just" porn. He is contacting hookers. But, I do want to say that if you are not ok with his porn usage, you can tell him so. You don't have to accept it. You seemed surprised the first time you found it, so that tells me he hid it from you while dating. You found out after the marriage..and you are allowed to tell him it is unacceptable in your marriage. He, of course, has the right to say he chooses it over the marriage,,in which case, you are better divorcing this man who is showing no respect for you, and is putting your life at risk.

Im so sorry.


ETA: To catch him? Stop asking questions. Stop accusing. Put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car. You will most likely have your proof within 24 hours.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:39 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked him about porn usage before he said the first time around that he's been watching it since he was a teenager n that he wants more stuff than I offer....I then started doing bj.anals...etc I tried to have sex with him everyday I just didn't want him seeing porn .....
But I have accepted it now but strip clubs no be always has an explanation always n I always have to give him benefit of doubt but messaging a hooker I duno.....This is where I am lost I must admit I recently fought with his mom..we made amends he says cos of stress I'm giving to him he will eventually go to hookers. I said I'll improve relationship with his mom and stop bugging him about all this but just yesterday he went out with his work dinner I called n it rang next u know he cuts call n phone is off after the he messages an hour later saying what we just ordered food I ask you is ure phone off he comes home 25 minutes later says oh it went on airplane mode then I saw ure message n realized it. I duno anymore

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by annie123 at 2:56 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annie - You Husband is lying to you.
He is cheating on you.
He is having sex with hooker.
He has an STD from the sound of it.

Do you really think that he is doing it because you question him, because you don't give him sex every time he wants it, because you don't provide him with kinky enough sex?

You husband is a very broken man. YOU cannot fix him. He has to do that himself, and first he has to want to.

Please whatever you do, do not have unprotected sex with him again.

You are in an abusive situation, you can't see it for what it is, because it has happened over a period of time, but you are. Google the cycle of abuse. Then start taking steps to get out.
This is not love, and I know I'm being harsh, but you really do deserve more.

Stop tolerating this, and go see a lawyer.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bad for you that you keep believing these blatantly obvious lies he keeps telling you each time you find shady behavior - which is constantly.

Who are you going to believe, Annie? Him, or your lying eyes?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's crazy but I'm dependant on him.i am studying for exams which require an year .I debt want my marriage to go to waste without trying.i really want solid proof.keylogger just shows nonstop porn everyday ....what else can I do I don't have ppassword to the phone bills or bank accounts! No now his Gmail n phone is locked as well.what kind of gps can I use to track him in car? Do lemme know it's been a week although I'm acting fine I just can't sleep study anymore I talked to him day before yesterday saying pls lemme know if u are addicted to porn u want a different kind of girl or something he said it's nothing of the sort but u keep up stress at home n in start doing these things.then we said fine I want bug him about previous events about the message I read even n he be nice too...but then the cut my call phone off incident occurred n I'm left in doubt battle again....pls help I dunno who else to talk to.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has locked his gmail and phone for a reason. He is cheating. He doesn't want you to see.

A keylogger will show all passwords if he uses that computer to log into any of his accounts.

And it's your fault he watches porn and contacts hookers because you don't do enough for him? And if you dont stop perstering him then he will cheat? RUFKM??? PLEASE do not accept this. I understand you depend on him..that needs to stop. he is showing you he can't be depended on. He is cheating on you. He is risking your life.

It is not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do made him decide to cheat. It has nothing to do with you not giving him kinky sex. Or enough sex. It is HIS issue. This has nothing to do with you.

You are his wife. You should know all of the passwords anyway. He is treating you with absolutely no respect at all. This is abuse..all of it. You are being abused.

Im so angry for you!

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:42 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi annie, please listen to what everyone has told you. Your husband is trying to blame shift saying you cause him stress because you had a fall out with his mother, so this will make him go have sex with a hooker? Is he for real? He is saying stop meddling because you have caught him he knows it but wont admit it, so if you do actually find proof of him with a hooker then he will turn around and say its your fault, that is an absolute joke. I think when our spouses behaviours start changing its something we need to keep an eye on.
I'm sorry sweetie but you need to start getting tough with him. I hear what you say that you are dependent on him, however this kind of behaviour will overtake your entire marriage, how long can you live with this. Things have to change and quickly.
Choose you moment, sit him down and tell him you need to talk. Be strong and be firm so he knows you mean business. Tell him that you are very concerned with what is happening in your marriage, and that you are not going to accept him cheating on you. Tell him that you know he has been lying to you and you will not accept him lying to you. Tell him that if he has nothing to hide then he would be giving you passwords to everything. Tell him you cant live like this or with this kind of behaviour. If he doesnt stop and start counseling then you and the baby will have to leave.
Please see a doctor and make him go and see one as well. I know you must be feeling a whole lot of emotions right now everything from anger to panic. If you have time start reading in the healing library top left hand corner of this page.
Many hugs to you, keep posting.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Apr 2014
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the porn usage continues other than that I guess he's not doing stuff now
I don't understand why he would put our relationship to such risk he does all these things for me like takes me wherever I wanna go buys whatever I want ...u know all those little things then why this? I used to think cheating was something rare that it would never occur to me.seperation in our family gonna be tough.im so angry and hurt yet when he does those small things I wonder .. after the 13 months feeding my baby my breasts r soft smaller my tummy Still not tucked in...could it be im.just not attractive to him any more? Is this a phase? I don't know we have been through this first prom talk than the strip club than the injury mark which took me the longest time to digest n now the message how do I ignore? I'm 32 he's 30...If I dnt wanna exit without evidence.im gonna wait study give my exams n hopefully work n then see where I can go with this.why is he constantly watching porn everyday even after we have had sex???
I dnt get it.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is not willing to be totally transparent with you, give you all passwords, unlock his phone, etc.then he is lying to you! Use that gut instinct, apparently it's telling you something or you wouldn't still be questioning him. He's trying to guilt you so you'll stop asking questions! You've only been married 6 months& your not enough? You never will be then!

Take others advice & do not have sex with him until tested! I don't think he deserves having it with you IMO anyway.....

Take care of you & your sweet baby! I'm so sorry you are going through this!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi annie, it is quite possible that your H has a sex addiction it is probably more common than most people know about. If this is the reason then he needs professional help.
Please dont start looking at yourself as being the reason he has cheated on you, it is his fault not yours. I think you have done everything possible to keep him satisfied eg trying new things etc. and he still isnt happy.
People cheat for various different reasons, sometimes because they arent happy within themselves, sometimes because they like to know other people are still interested, sometimes because they become bored, sometimes because they find it hard to commit to the one person. Cheating is wrong no matter what the excuse.
Dont put up with it.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Apr 2014
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of u keep questioning ure spouses about whether they cheated or not? Mine has started ignoring my question now last night I was crying n he heard me an seed what's wrong I said nothing he then said look if u can't stay with me let me know..I then went to bed n lied down next to him he asked again I said u already know what's bothering me.he said he already explained.hes just not bothered about answering my questions or comforting me anymore....am I being desperate?I dunno how to get through this.have I asked him too much over the years about porn n lap dances that he now isn't bothered .....The zipper incident tool me the longest of time to get it out of my mind.he always said I did it to.myself is that even possible?
I dunno how to reconcile if he isn't even willing to admit to anything n no he's not giving me password anymore I used to have them before he says he needs privacy I can't be going through his friends messages and emails like he doesn't go through mine....I duno!

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read the cycle of abuse. Google it.
Please read about codependency. Does it resemble you?
You need to protect your self and your baby. Do NOT allow him to bully you into a serious illness that could effect you and your baby.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in what I consider life threatening circumstances..IE, I have been married 38 years.. To a douchebag.... I am in an all consuming depression that I am fighting tooth and nail..
..
I am in a situation where almost nothing matters to me any more..

This kind of cheater drama/ nonsense will make you progress to this stage...I promise you..

Get out...Get out of the marriage itself or get into R if your WH is fully remorseful..

Just know that R with your WH fully on board means that he loses interest (like yesterday) in the porn and off -life that he has been indulging in...

Nothing to do with how you were conducting yourself in the marriage..The fact that you have a good backbone vs a wishy washy one only means that he tries to take more advantage of you..

Nothing to do with how you look, how you were born or who you are...
This stuff takes some of us a while to learn...You just have to stand up for yourself to have a life that is sustainable whether it is with a life partner or on your own...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annie,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have lived through similar circumstances. Your husband is cheating on you. It is not the "regular" affair, but he is cheating with paid sex workers. You have the proof you need to accept this. Do not slip into denial. Do not try to justify his behavior. Do not try to normalize his behavior. Do not stand for his emotional abuse and blame-shifting. To do any of those things will be at your own peril.

Your husband is displaying behavior that may be caused by sex addiction. If he is a sex addict, you have no idea of the extent of what he has been doing. In addition, he probably has a STD. You need to have a full panel of STD tests run by your doctor - asap. Do NOT have sex with him until he has had a full panel done as well and is clean and you can see the results, AND he is in a treatment program and he is not acting out.

There is a topic on this forum for prostitutes/anonymous encounters. I just bumped it up for you so that it is prominently displayed in the "Just Found Out" forum. It is now easy to find. I'd strongly suggest that read it and follow the advice given there.

If you can have him leave the house so that you can have some peace for now, that would be best for you. You did nothing to deserve this.

(((Annie)))


Posts: 1424 | Registered: Oct 2008
annie123
♀ Member
Member # 44430
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just left the house without saying a word I called him no answer I looked up his computer key logger it showed he was looking for a strip clubs n escorts....at n the locater is the worse service ever I followed him recklessly anger stricken n he turned his phone off.yes I was In denial I feel like dying but my little baby keeps me up I don't Wana leave him with an perverted asshole.the reality is just so real never been so shaken awake before.i read the cycle of codependency earlier today n I might just be in it....I'm sure he doesn't have std. He in the field he we'd be too careful not to contract it....I'll still get myself tested n I dunno

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I am so saddened you are here! Please remember, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This his all about him this is the time to put your bitch boots on and kick him in the backside. He needs a big one if you ask me, keep yourself strong for your boy you are going to need it. He is calling your bluff and threatening you with his words this is his defence mechanism to protect himself. He is a cheater and you can't make him change he needs to do this himself.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annie - Do not assume he is too smart to get a disease. That is wrong. I don't mean to be harsh, but sister you have got to listen to us. Cheaters do all kinds of things that we are their spouses never believed they would. Including using escorts, and not using protection. Condoms are not fool proof either, and STD's can be spread even with perfect use.

Get yourself tested.
See an attorney.
Read up on the 180, hell he is already doing half of that for you.
Quit accepting the blame for his crappy actions and choices. That is abuse.

Yes you are codependent. You are also caught in the cycle of abuse.
Only you can choose to not accept it, and only you can demand the respect, and love you deserve.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey. First, I am sorry you find the need to be here, but am glad you found us.

My situation, early on, mirrored yours. It escalated in devastating ways. Devastating for me and our kids, but also for stbx.

Your husband is cheating with high-risk sex partners. You have all the proof you need. More will not change anything,

That said, you can acknowledge that, protect yourself from disease (do NOT have unprotected sex with him--oral, vaginal, or otherwise--either; The consequences are devastating.)

You can then take all the time you need to get your ducks in a row. You don't have to make any life altering decisions today, tomorrow, or until you are done with your exams.

But please--for your physical and emotional health, DO make the choice to believe the truth and take measures to protect yourself---physically, most importantly, but also emotionally.

I did not do this, at huge physical and emotional cost. Really, just a shift in my own thinking made a huge difference. Trusting myself, accepting I could only change own thoughts, feelings, and actions made even a rocky home life very different for me. I not achieve this shift for a very, very long time.

It did not change my husband's trajectory. That's his job. And yes, the behavior (very well hidden) escalated. Eventually, our marriage ended--very badly.

You have proof. You have lots of proof. You don't need more-you need a plan.

You can tackle it from the make-the-marriage-work place, which requires a partner willing to do the hard work with you. Or you can get your ducks in a row, in preparation for ending the marriage.

But you cannot have a healthy marriage with emotional intimacy and love -- not with a man engaging in high risk extramarital behavior that is apt to escalate over time.

Don't do what I did. Don't sacrifice your young and middle adulthood to a marriage that is a sham. Make the marriage YOU want, or give yourself the opportunity to move forward constructively. Certainly, if you need time to prepare for this, take that time. But don't permit yourself to "believe" (code for being too scared to rock a boat that desperately NEEDS rocking if it's ever going to right itself and sail smoothly) that better-hidden behaviors are not occurring. I can guarantee--seriously, I would bet everything I have--that your husband will not and cannot stop this type of sexual acting out and will escalate if he does not make the decision to get much needed help.

This cannot be overemphasized: no unprotected sex. As long as you are with him, have routine, scheduled STD testing every six months--more often, if your doctor recommends. (Be sure your doctor knows he's having sex with high risk partners.) Consider some IC to help you figure out what is important to you in this life and how to assert yourself best, in order to achieve it. I would not bother with MC until and unless your husband acknowledged his issues and spent some time in IC--preferably with a CSAT--first.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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