I will bump up another post for you called fear vs. reality where tons of people give examples of how their reality is so much better post-divorced than they ever thought it could be.
I'm younger (33 at D-Day; 36 now) but I didn't really have any friends due to my sociopathic XWH's isolation on me.
3 weeks is still so, so soon. But things get so much better. The more NC you can go, the better. Try to do things via e-mail as much as possible (if you come to any agreements verbally they will be harder to enforce -- remember that cheaters are also liars)
For me, life has become so much more than I ever imagined. I have made some really amazing friends and could have plans (and sometimes do) every night of the week with different people.
I've taken up new hobbies and got deeper into ones I already had.
I'm dating a bit here and there; haven't found anyone special yet but, quite frankly, not sure I really want to at this point since I am so happy with my life.
Cut yourself some slack -- at three weeks out, I was still contemplating suicide. You will get there, I promise.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I am in a relationship where I get as much back as I put into the relationship.
omg, ^^^^this, exactly^^^^
it makes such a difference, and it really is the bar we should all aim for. not just in romantic relationships, but with family and friends, too. Surround yourself with people that put as much time and effort into you as you do them. It makes a world of difference.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
A new man I love very much
A new job I'm very happy in
A new body thanks to the divorce diet
Most of all I have peace from no drama and bullshit
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
I am in my mid 50's and I'm terrified of what is around the corner. Or am I more terrified of losing a man that truly loves me? How do you know it's time to D?
Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti
I didn't think I would be. I am.
Its been 6 years. I'm happy. My life has good days and bad days...just like before I was D. After 6 years though, good days and bad days have nothing to do with the trauma of his A or the D. The overall average of good days is much higher than the bad days.
It took a while, I'm not going to tell you that you'll wake up tomorrow or any particular day and suddenly you'll be permanently happier. BUT you can be. Its up to you. You're happiness is not dependent on your WS or anyone else at all. ever.
[This message edited by hexed at 6:19 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
I was miserable to the point that I lost my health. In fact, I was even hospitalized with life-threatening condition due to the stress.
But I finally started waking up when I recognized that my children were at risk. But even then I still tried to make it work by trying to put many controls into the marriage & onto his behavior. None of it worked, of course. But one as codep as me has to try every bargaining position possible.
Ultimately it was yet another risk to the children that I discovered which sealed the deal for me and forced me to file for divorce. Once I made that decision I never doubted it, never wavered, never looked back. I was well & truly done.
4 years later I am:
Happily remarried to an amazing man. I thought my first marriage was good, but I am SO much happier in this relationship.
Happier with myself. I did 2 years of weekly IC, read a lot, and really tried to work through the trauma. I like myself better.
Financially more stable. Even though my new husband (also an educator) and I make less money than I did when married to my former husband, we're much smarter with managing it, and are on more stable footing.
Physically healthier/more attractive - I lost 40lbs with the divorce (and kept it off). I began running. I now run half marathons. I look better at 40 than I did at 25.
My kids are thriving. They adore their stepfather, and have (against all odds) navigated the bizarre circumstances of the divorce (their mom's former best friend is now their stepmother - her 3 kids are their stepsiblings) with amazing maturity.
Life is better. It's so much better. But I NEVER would have believed it 4 years ago.
"Let go or get dragged" - beaner
Life is Good
I had to work all weekend because of a catastrophic failure to our computer systems, and I didn't have to listen to anyone gripe about how much I work. It's the little things
Good luck, and once again, thank you so much for posting this question and allowing these members to remind me, once again, just how f-ing awesome my life is. Good luck to you and may only positive things come your way.
[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:59 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]
Thank you all again for posting these stories. I think I will read them every night:)
Small glimmers of hope mean the world to me right now.
My new beginning does not include a new love, but that may happen. The thing is, it's not important.
This ^^^ exactly.
Just turned 61, have been completely alone for over six years now. I don't date and don't intend to.
Have moved five times, shedding more *stuff* each time.
I found the rental apartment of my dreams in a wonderful old mansion where the owners live downstairs.
It's expensive, but not overpriced for my area.
It's like living in a peaceful country inn somewhere in England, but is within walking/biking/bus distance from vibrant city life.
I could never have lived here with the x. He would have complained about just about everything.
I don't miss living with him and all his issues, all his crap (he travels constantly and collects a lot of knicknacks) and his passive aggression.
I went back to school to finish a humanities degree, squeezing in classes on my days off from work. In my 'spare time' I take online classes to learn web design coding.
I'll be done in a year or two, at which time I plan to "retire" and go on to grad school until they won't let me take classes anymore.
SO satisfying to do it at this stage in my life.
I'm healthy and strong and some days I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm well on the way to rediscovering the woman I used to be before I got interested in boys.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:09 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
Can I ask the BS here, did you try to R, or were you sure you were getting D?
I did try to R, but it turned out to be false R. Ex had taken the affair underground. I caught him, again. In the end, he walked out on me and the kids in order to be with OW. They are now married. I think they both got exactly who and what they deserve.
It took me about 2 months of ex being gone to realize how much of a crazy train I had been on married to him. He's not an evil person, but he is a selfish ass, and he hadn't been fully involved in the marriage or family for a long time. The thing is, I didn't know I didn't truly have a partner. That was part of his passive-aggression. He is a master at telling people what they want to hear, but allows him to deny ever committing to doing what they're asking him to do.
Honestly, I was still in love with ex the day I filed for divorce. After being with him for over 25 years, ending the relationship was one of the most painful things I've ever done. But it had to be done. I had to love myself more than I loved him, and when I walked out of my attorney's office that day, I was sad, but I had my self-respect back.
And now, life is good. Really, really good. Sure, there's still stress. But I'm happy, and healthy, and loved. I've learned to count my blessings, because that's what really matters in life.
Now I live for me and my son.
I live for my students and the runners that I coach.
I live in the moment.
I live according to my terms.
I love my life. I am not dating and I'm ok with that. I took time after D-day for IC and healing. It's been 2.5 years and I finally feel like I'm becoming the person that I was meant to be.
I miss another person in my life, but not him.
I am on my way to an education that I couldn't have got with him. I have friends that I had to put aside because of him. I have peace of mind.
I rode a roller coaster yesterday by myself, not just in a seat by myself, but went through the line and rode it Myself. I would have just not done it before yesterday, but pushed myself to.
Not happier that I don't belong in a family unit like before, but happier that I am allowed to be me without being judged or held back because he was jealous of me working with other men, that he perceived me to be smarter and he didn't like it, or people liked me over him. I don't care if I am over 50, I will ride roller coasters and have fun, even if I have to by myself.
[This message edited by wontdefineme at 4:34 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
I spent YEARS in false R. It was total agony. I was in a constant state of contemplating suicide. It hurt, so much.
I lost everything, my home, my husband, my savings, my retirement, my business, my employment, my community, many of my friends, my health, my self-confidence etc.
I'm getting back on my feet. I have a great IC. I have a new job, a FWB/almostBF, and little by little the trappings of a new life are coming together.
I really try to enjoy fully every good moment I have. Every interaction with STBX affirms I would be way worse off having stayed, even if he could have been convinced to actually R.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
I had a while on my own, while the pain died a bit. The days when the children went to their dad's house I threw myself into work or went out with friends.
I then met someone online, who I could talk to about everything. I thought we'd just be friends so I've told him pretty much everything over a number of months. Turns out he wants to be with me despite everything.
I have been happier in the past 10 months that I was in the 14 years that was my relationship with my ExWH.
Yet another example of why I'm thankful and happy: I went out to lunch today and sat on the covered patio with the breeze blowing through on a gorgeous summer day--He would never sit outside; we would have been at the bar staring at the TV. As soon as the food arrived, so did the flies; for a split second, my heart dropped but then my brain kicked in to remind me that I never again have to listen to him complain about such things (Flies??? Outside??? Can you imagine? )
I honestly thought I would never even date again. I spent about 10 years alone. I had "dates" but no real relationship.
Many of my friends were divorced for years and years (even decades) but are now happy in new relationships.
My DH - divorced for about 7 years before I met him is so happy with me. He is loving and affectionate 24/7.
We are both retired and have an almost fantasy life.