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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Happier after divorce. Anyone?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blindsided)))

I will bump up another post for you called fear vs. reality where tons of people give examples of how their reality is so much better post-divorced than they ever thought it could be.

I'm younger (33 at D-Day; 36 now) but I didn't really have any friends due to my sociopathic XWH's isolation on me.

3 weeks is still so, so soon. But things get so much better. The more NC you can go, the better. Try to do things via e-mail as much as possible (if you come to any agreements verbally they will be harder to enforce -- remember that cheaters are also liars)

For me, life has become so much more than I ever imagined. I have made some really amazing friends and could have plans (and sometimes do) every night of the week with different people.

I've taken up new hobbies and got deeper into ones I already had.

I'm dating a bit here and there; haven't found anyone special yet but, quite frankly, not sure I really want to at this point since I am so happy with my life.

Cut yourself some slack -- at three weeks out, I was still contemplating suicide. You will get there, I promise.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3492 | Registered: Dec 2011
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a relationship where I get as much back as I put into the relationship.

omg, ^^^^this, exactly^^^^

it makes such a difference, and it really is the bar we should all aim for. not just in romantic relationships, but with family and friends, too. Surround yourself with people that put as much time and effort into you as you do them. It makes a world of difference.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh HELL yeah!! After 2 years of agony with massive weight loss I am now over 3 years after sep.


I have:

A new man I love very much

A new job I'm very happy in

A new body thanks to the divorce diet

Most of all I have peace from no drama and bullshit


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes yes and yes! Although I am waiting to sign the divorce decree and therefore I am not "officially" divorced, I am much much much happier. My life will never be free from stress, depression, exhaustion, sadness, frustration, challenges, etc but I am free from someone who was like toxic mildew to me. I don't know what the future holds and that's ok. I don't know if I will meet someone and that's ok. My life is about what I want and how I can best support and raise my children. Hang in there. It gets better


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2307 | Registered: Oct 2012
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask the BS here, did you try to R, or were you sure you were getting D? I love my WH but I am hurt and can't ever see being able to trust & be happy again. At least with him.

I am in my mid 50's and I'm terrified of what is around the corner. Or am I more terrified of losing a man that truly loves me? How do you know it's time to D?


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. It is really that simple.

I didn't think I would be. I am.

Its been 6 years. I'm happy. My life has good days and bad days...just like before I was D. After 6 years though, good days and bad days have nothing to do with the trauma of his A or the D. The overall average of good days is much higher than the bad days.

It took a while, I'm not going to tell you that you'll wake up tomorrow or any particular day and suddenly you'll be permanently happier. BUT you can be. Its up to you. You're happiness is not dependent on your WS or anyone else at all. ever.

[This message edited by hexed at 6:19 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8494 | Registered: Apr 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cluless, I wanted to R. In fact, I wanted to be married so bad that I looked the other way over the course of our marriage. I knew he was cheating but I did nothing about it. Oh, occasionally I protested & tried to make a deal out of it, but he would verbally assault & emotionally abuse me to the point that I would eventually submit.

I was miserable to the point that I lost my health. In fact, I was even hospitalized with life-threatening condition due to the stress.

But I finally started waking up when I recognized that my children were at risk. But even then I still tried to make it work by trying to put many controls into the marriage & onto his behavior. None of it worked, of course. But one as codep as me has to try every bargaining position possible.

Ultimately it was yet another risk to the children that I discovered which sealed the deal for me and forced me to file for divorce. Once I made that decision I never doubted it, never wavered, never looked back. I was well & truly done.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10045 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not over 50, but I was 36 with 3 fairly young children (10, 8 and 6) when my ex left me for my best friend. It really felt like my life was over, especially as I lost both my best friend, and my husband of 13 years, in one horrifying betrayal. As a teacher, I was always the secondary income earner (ex makes well over 6 figures), and just couldn't imagine how it would all work out.

4 years later I am:

Happily remarried to an amazing man. I thought my first marriage was good, but I am SO much happier in this relationship.

Happier with myself. I did 2 years of weekly IC, read a lot, and really tried to work through the trauma. I like myself better.

Financially more stable. Even though my new husband (also an educator) and I make less money than I did when married to my former husband, we're much smarter with managing it, and are on more stable footing.

Physically healthier/more attractive - I lost 40lbs with the divorce (and kept it off). I began running. I now run half marathons. I look better at 40 than I did at 25.

My kids are thriving. They adore their stepfather, and have (against all odds) navigated the bizarre circumstances of the divorce (their mom's former best friend is now their stepmother - her 3 kids are their stepsiblings) with amazing maturity.

Life is better. It's so much better. But I NEVER would have believed it 4 years ago.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
brokenapart
♀ Member
Member # 8309
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes! Life after D for me is much better. I never thought I would think that - at the time when my now ex left, I thought I would shrivel up and I couldn't imagine life without him.
Now, I would never ever ever want to go back to that.
I have had a very good, healthy relationship post-D. It ended - timing didn't work with our kids and stages of life, but I have no regrets.
I'm now living for me.. spending time with friends, focusing on a career, and living a much better life. Yes, there are still times when I am lonely and uncertain about what I am doing next. But even in those times now, I'm ok.


me- BS
2 great kids
Divorced & living again.

"Let go or get dragged" - beaner

Life is Good


Posts: 10652 | Registered: Sep 2005
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just turned 60, have been D for 3.5 years and I'm very happy. My new beginning does not include a new love, but that may happen. The thing is, it's not important. I do what I want when I want. Tonight I'm going on a full moon kayaking paddle on a beautiful lake near my home.

I had to work all weekend because of a catastrophic failure to our computer systems, and I didn't have to listen to anyone gripe about how much I work. It's the little things


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20459 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blindsided,
I just wanted to thank you for asking this question because it was nothing short of wonderfully uplifting to read the responses to the truly amazing and resilient people who told you about their experiences since dealing with what I truly believe is one of the worst situations in which anyone can find him or herself. . In reading them I could relate to parts of almost all of them and found myself smiling and nodding my head at the words of wisdom that each member so eloquently expressed. I don't need to add my own personal story because those of the others who responded previously are a perfect example of what is ahead of you. It's amazing, exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, but most of all triumphant. And so TOTALLY life changing and affirming that I swear, one day you will look back on this time in your life and know that you are a better, more compassionate, wise and complete person that you ever were before this happened to you. Sometimes it ain't pretty and it's never easy but it is so worth it. It's coming. You're on your way. Hang in there and hang in here. This is truly one of the most special and giving groups of people you may never meet. But here you will find some of the best friends of your life, if you allow it.

Good luck, and once again, thank you so much for posting this question and allowing these members to remind me, once again, just how f-ing awesome my life is. Good luck to you and may only positive things come your way.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:59 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2140 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
blindsided81
♀ Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this site.

Thank you all again for posting these stories. I think I will read them every night:)

Small glimmers of hope mean the world to me right now.


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My new beginning does not include a new love, but that may happen. The thing is, it's not important.

This ^^^ exactly.

Just turned 61, have been completely alone for over six years now. I don't date and don't intend to.

Have moved five times, shedding more *stuff* each time.

I found the rental apartment of my dreams in a wonderful old mansion where the owners live downstairs.

It's expensive, but not overpriced for my area.

It's like living in a peaceful country inn somewhere in England, but is within walking/biking/bus distance from vibrant city life.

I could never have lived here with the x. He would have complained about just about everything.

I don't miss living with him and all his issues, all his crap (he travels constantly and collects a lot of knicknacks) and his passive aggression.

I went back to school to finish a humanities degree, squeezing in classes on my days off from work. In my 'spare time' I take online classes to learn web design coding.

I'll be done in a year or two, at which time I plan to "retire" and go on to grad school until they won't let me take classes anymore.

SO satisfying to do it at this stage in my life.

I'm healthy and strong and some days I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm well on the way to rediscovering the woman I used to be before I got interested in boys.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:09 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17715 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask the BS here, did you try to R, or were you sure you were getting D?

I did try to R, but it turned out to be false R. Ex had taken the affair underground. I caught him, again. In the end, he walked out on me and the kids in order to be with OW. They are now married. I think they both got exactly who and what they deserve.

It took me about 2 months of ex being gone to realize how much of a crazy train I had been on married to him. He's not an evil person, but he is a selfish ass, and he hadn't been fully involved in the marriage or family for a long time. The thing is, I didn't know I didn't truly have a partner. That was part of his passive-aggression. He is a master at telling people what they want to hear, but allows him to deny ever committing to doing what they're asking him to do.

Honestly, I was still in love with ex the day I filed for divorce. After being with him for over 25 years, ending the relationship was one of the most painful things I've ever done. But it had to be done. I had to love myself more than I loved him, and when I walked out of my attorney's office that day, I was sad, but I had my self-respect back.

And now, life is good. Really, really good. Sure, there's still stress. But I'm happy, and healthy, and loved. I've learned to count my blessings, because that's what really matters in life.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much happier.
I was in a toxic co-dependent relationship that left me everyday feeling hopeless, unloved, and isolated.

Now I live for me and my son.
I live for my students and the runners that I coach.
I live in the moment.
I live according to my terms.

I love my life. I am not dating and I'm ok with that. I took time after D-day for IC and healing. It's been 2.5 years and I finally feel like I'm becoming the person that I was meant to be.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4746 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that I don't have to put a selfish cheater's ego and needs ahead of mine anymore.

I miss another person in my life, but not him.

I am on my way to an education that I couldn't have got with him. I have friends that I had to put aside because of him. I have peace of mind.

I rode a roller coaster yesterday by myself, not just in a seat by myself, but went through the line and rode it Myself. I would have just not done it before yesterday, but pushed myself to.

Not happier that I don't belong in a family unit like before, but happier that I am allowed to be me without being judged or held back because he was jealous of me working with other men, that he perceived me to be smarter and he didn't like it, or people liked me over him. I don't care if I am over 50, I will ride roller coasters and have fun, even if I have to by myself.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 4:34 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Mar 2011
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 50, and might end up with a divorce finally this year. I've been S for over 2 years though so the relationship died a long time ago.

I spent YEARS in false R. It was total agony. I was in a constant state of contemplating suicide. It hurt, so much.

I lost everything, my home, my husband, my savings, my retirement, my business, my employment, my community, many of my friends, my health, my self-confidence etc.

I'm getting back on my feet. I have a great IC. I have a new job, a FWB/almostBF, and little by little the trappings of a new life are coming together.

I really try to enjoy fully every good moment I have. Every interaction with STBX affirms I would be way worse off having stayed, even if he could have been convinced to actually R.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1237 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 43 but I had 3 young children on my DDay and thought I'd be a single mum forever.

I had a while on my own, while the pain died a bit. The days when the children went to their dad's house I threw myself into work or went out with friends.

I then met someone online, who I could talk to about everything. I thought we'd just be friends so I've told him pretty much everything over a number of months. Turns out he wants to be with me despite everything.

I have been happier in the past 10 months that I was in the 14 years that was my relationship with my ExWH.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to R but he just wanted me to roll with it--accept that he had a girlfriend until he tired of her. Riiiiiight He was shocked when I went forward with the D; he said, "I never thought you'd take it this far."

Yet another example of why I'm thankful and happy: I went out to lunch today and sat on the covered patio with the breeze blowing through on a gorgeous summer day--He would never sit outside; we would have been at the bar staring at the TV. As soon as the food arrived, so did the flies; for a split second, my heart dropped but then my brain kicked in to remind me that I never again have to listen to him complain about such things (Flies??? Outside??? Can you imagine? )


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20459 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 67 and have been happily remarried for 2 years now.

I honestly thought I would never even date again. I spent about 10 years alone. I had "dates" but no real relationship.

Many of my friends were divorced for years and years (even decades) but are now happy in new relationships.

My DH - divorced for about 7 years before I met him is so happy with me. He is loving and affectionate 24/7.

We are both retired and have an almost fantasy life.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Topic Posts: 50
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