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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: finally he admitted it
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally got a confession he cheated. After 2 months of digging and having this gut feeling he cheated, he finally admitted it. He cheated with a guy the week before we married when he was away on business. He said he regretted it. I got a call that night with him weeping down the phone to me telling me that he was an arse whole and calling himself names. He was drunk and told me he felt this way because he had argued with some work colleague's about something and they were all getting annoyed with him. It didn't make sense. I asked if that was the REAL reason he called me that night and he said it was. I'm still in shock. Staying strong though. Holding back tears for my DD. said I will stay for now. It's kind of a relief knowing I wasn't going completely crazy.


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is carrying on affairs a week before your marriage? He is a moral leper.

You need to give this guy the boot. You have no investment at this point, get while the gettin's good. I know it's a rough time when you're expecting your son.

But your children will be far better off with NO father than to have one like him.


Posts: 435 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that you've had a definitive d-day your emotions will be wild.

With great deliberation you must focus all your energy on you and your daughter. The physical reactions our bodies suffer are enormous. Self care needs to be your only mission. Drink water and nibble as often as you can.

As far as the future of your marriage - don't make a decision right now. But do watch his behavior. Now is the time he needs to demonstrate what he's made of. You are vulnerable and consumed with sorrow. He needs to step up to the plate NOW and show you by is actions that he is worthy of your continued investment .

Hugs to you, sweetie. I wish I were there to hold your hand and listen to all you need to say.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time for Dr appointment. Pronto. STD testing, full panel.

A week before? Do you have a child together? If not, you should seriously consider if this is time for permanent separation. There is some attraction inside him to other men that you are simply not a part of. If he's bisexual, he cheated. If gay and not admitting it, there is nothing you can do to change his orientation. If so, prepare for divorce.

If bi, you'll have to live your life on guard of other women and other men. That role will quickly exhaust you.

I asked about child as if the child isn't his, thers no real bonding yet, so separation will be easier on the child.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I wish I had someone to cry to. I'm so messed up. The child is his. I think in time I will grow strong enough to leave. I am going to get tested. Right now I want to concentrate on my DD and once giving birth I should start figuring out what to do. I'm so embarrassed and feel so unattractive. So stupid for marrying this man! He was always one of these nice guys. A too good to be true H. Just thought he was slightly insecure. Never saw this coming


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Rubix)))))

You will get stronger. Just keep focusing on you, your DD and your wee one.

Right now your WH has made himself an option and you don't need to expend emotional energy on him.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has nothing to do with you Rubix, or how attractive you are. Beautiful women get cheated on by selfish liars all the time.

There's (obviously) something wrong with him. Fuck him, let him deal with that.

You need to focus on you, your baby and your health. You owe him nothing right now. Keep posting here. We are here, we're listening and we care.

I really hate these baby on the way Ddays.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 317 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be tested. If he is staying he needs to be tested.
If you are going to try to make this work he needs some serious IC. To choose to cheat is one thing to cross your own personal boundaries as he did indicates something very possibly a repressed feeling, ie he may be gay. Nothing either of you do will change that. And trying to stay in a M will harm you both.
If he is gay then you can have an amicable copy renting relationship in the future.

He needs IC and to be very supportive of you and the baby right now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
CallMeRed1
♀ Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As gently as possible, your health and that of your baby are number 1 now. Get tested asap for everything.

If he doesn't get tested and show you a negative test result for gods sake don't have sex with him again.

I would be so mad at him for risking the health of an unborn baby, as well as your own.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Honestly think about the investment to reward ratio in this relationship. Take your time and consider everything you know now and what else may come to light. Think firstly of you and your children.

Thinking of you.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 186 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought and thought about this. I don't think he is gay (he would have no reason to hide it) we talked about various options if he were gay but he says he isn't, he wants to stay married to me and loves me. Plus, he is sexually attracted to me. I think he is an SA.
He has tried sleeping with me since, but tbh. I can't touch him atm.
I'm having my testes done this week if I can find someone to have my daughter.


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
kaylee711
♀ New Member
Member # 44435
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rubix, I really don't think your hurt would be any less painful, whether or not WS had "male or female partner"... Either way, WS's transgressions were hurtful, and that hurt is UNIVERSAL....

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true. It doesn't matter who it was with. What's confusing is that we had no problems in our marriage and he was out for something else anyway.


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
kaylee711
♀ New Member
Member # 44435
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be true to yourself - don't try to "fix" WS's needs. It sounds selfish, but you DESERVE the right to be looking out for #1 (yourself) FIRST because of the EA/PA... IT HURTS! And you have the right to feel hurt - let it all out, don't bottle up the emotions inside b/c you will start blaming yourself or thinking you "pushed" WS over the edge to stray in the first place..

The question is, are YOU getting enough out of what you're looking for in the relationship? The answer to that question will help you with what choice YOU want: the D or R route...?

Only YOU are in control of this decision - don't let the WS think they can set the path to D or R as the "dominant" person, leaving you to be the "submissive" one... They truly DO NOT have the right to any "power" over your next move...


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband cheated on me with a man. I can promise you it is every bit as hurtful as it would be if it had been a woman.

There are different things I have to deal with, though, that the average BW doesn't..and vice versa...the players may be different, but the pain is every bit as horrific.

Im 4 years out from dday..as of yesterday. Still. Hurts.

You said he would have no reason to hide it if he was gay. Really? While being gay is nothing to be ashamed of...society isn't always kind and accepting. Many men feel embarrassed or ashamed of these feelings. He hid that he was bi..from you, his wife, and everyone else he knows. So him pretending he isn't gay isn't far of the mark.

Buy he may not be. Mine isn't. But I know this after 4 years of R.

Good luck to you. It's a hard thing to deal with.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7402 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I can't fix him. He is waiting to get an assessment done for therapy. He said he felt so guilty he wasn't able to finish. Then why keep seeking out people on the internet after(?) I'm making no decisions till I give birth. I just want to concentrate on having a healthy baby right now.


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Rubix))))))

I just want to concentrate on having a healthy baby right now.

I agree. Yours and baby's health are first and foremost. But please seek IC for yourself - your hormones are going to be all over the map (I am sure you remember that from having your DD and obviously since circumstances are different, it will be exacerbated by stress).

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing...we are here for you...

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having my testes done this week if I can find someone to have my daughter.

Gently...even if you cannot find someone to watch your DD, please get tested. I am sure one of the nurses in your OB's office can keep an eye on her while you get swabbed and get your blood drawn.

Hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he tries to have sex with you again, you need to tell him no. Not until after you get the results of your STD tests..and you see the results of his(you can NOT take his word for it..get a copy of the results from the doctor). If you contract an STD while pregnant, the baby will be at risk for any number of complications. It's dangerous.

Im sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine all of this happening while pregnant.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7402 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Rubix
♀ Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you lalagirl. I have told him I need proof of him having tests done. He agreed and I am definitely having myself tested to. I do not trust what he says. He has lied to me before about things, so I am taking my own steps to get the truth for everything.

Don't worry confused I am NOT even able to have sex with him right now. I feel to hurt and my self esteem has just plummeted. I'm still checking emails regularly and texts and website data, cookies and history. Etc.


BW: me (25)WH: him (28-remorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born. Days old.
Married: 5 months
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why don't you take a break from all of this today and go do something for you? A massage, get a pedicure, do some retail therapy, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it and need it.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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