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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are you doing for R?
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I mean today - what are you doing to R? Or for R, today?


I went out and bought some delicious steaks and some cheese he likes. Later, we will make a great meal with our friend who is visiting. Doing these things as a team helps us feel connected.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't necessarily consider these things A or R related but...

This morning we took DS4 to Lowes for a build and grow workshop followed by Cracker Barrel. In a couple hours the three of us are going to a huge outdoor music and arts festival.

There has been and will be a lot of talking, hand holding, playing, and generally enjoying each other.

Thanks for the thread and enjoy the steaks

PS there may be some R work later as we are working through the Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue book.

[This message edited by AFrayedKnot at 12:22 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We shared a cheeseburger and I cut off the bitten edge for him
As I have a cold. He is in Physical pain due to an injury so I will take care of most of the daily chores..,
We'll spend some time outside and maybe talk about the school bond issue...
We'll look at lake homes online and talk about our future and where we want to live.
His new jeans are too long and I'll hem them today.
This is just stuff we always do though I guess...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5070 | Registered: Dec 2010
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm making a special Moroccan meatball recipe that he's fond of for dinner tonight.
And I asked him out to the movies. We're going to see the new Helen Mirren film, "The Hundred-Foot Journey."



Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think its just an R thing, but ...I choose to live today being grateful for all we have.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made crab eggs benedict for breakfast.
We have been packing for an in-town move and working together.

At lunch we talked at length about how the baby green anoles seem to be helping with the thrip infestation on her beloved ficus tree. We shared delight in baby lizards and looked up their life-cycle on the Internet.

I guess we're doing all sorts of things today.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2013
SparrowSoul
♀ Member
Member # 44223
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did a little shopping, exchanged opinions on a possible new sofa set from a thrift store(it's denim--truly hideous--but it has reupholstering potential!), and are about to do some TV time cuddling before I have to go to work. Just little everyday bonding stuff to help remind us that we're together, not just occupying the same space.


Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.

"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 7 weeks post Dday tomorrow.

Last night and today we talked about the coming year of 1st time affair "anniversaries" (I'm not sure what to call them) and what positive ways we can handle them.

Our plan is to revisit some of the sites soon (symbolic maybe?) and then begin reclaiming the dates as our own by doing fun things for ourselves.

The first is October 7th. This is the day they first had email contact after 20 years of not having contact (ex gf). She called this their "anniversary." She sent him anniversary cards for this date and they made a point to get together at that time each year. And I'm like, "Hell no that's gonna be what you remember that date as!"

This afternoon we are swimming with our son and I think we will look for something fun to do out.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 10/2010: EA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/23/2014: PA w same exgf since 5/2011; NC since
Committed to Reconciling

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our DDay was 7/4.

Last night we invited my best friend to join us at dinner/play pool at a local bar. She knows of his A but he has never directly spoken to her. He wanted to appologize to her for letting her down in his promise to "protect me" and she said that whats done is done, what's important is how he handles it going forward. I think it was a nice exchange and I felt some of the tension between them subside.

Today WH is working until 5pm, but I am taking a relaxing day for myself, and then tonight we are having date night. WH has been very much using the term "team" for us (he has a new job in a very positive team driven atmosphere which he is bringing home with him, a great improvement over the stress that he carried from his previous job during time of the A). I am not sure what we will do tonight but some of the things we have done since DDay including playing mini-golf and video games, doing a difficult hike together and motivating each other, taking our dog to the beach, and spending a lot more time enjoying each others company than we have in quite a while. I am looking forward to some good conversation tonight and maybe a "sexy" date night getting dressed up and hiding out in a dark corner of a nice restaurant or something. Just reminding each other how much we love each other, and being united.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 206 | Registered: Jul 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH actually just invited me to come check out his new job. He is working at a fitness center (studying exercise science in school) and Saturdays he closes, but its totally dead after about 2pm there. I think this will be nice to be able to experience his work place with him a little.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 206 | Registered: Jul 2014
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MD / DC has their CORE meeting tonite so we are going in a few hours = glad katumus mentioned it to me this AM as I was likely to forget with all the belt test stuff we had for the kids today

so glad that was something he prioritized and made sure we had sitter for etc.


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to an old and I mean old restaraunt this morning and had bloody Marys...split a club sandwhich....walked the boulevard people watching....tonight we are off to an outdoor concert .....pass the wine please!
have fun tonight LA44. I'll tip my glass to you both!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 559 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
fromthisdayfwd
♀ Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could add to the list for TODAY. Unfortunately ... he is 'hiding' in his online world video game. Not my favorite kind of day because we aren't doing anything together.

We did have a little trip this week when I accompanied him on an overnight work trip. We talked a lot on the drive. We don't often get to just 'hang out' the two of us.

Working on it.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to check back in an read the posts that you guys have made. Most of the things are regular, every day kind of things altho nogoodusername has all of us beat in the "what a unique discussion" category!

And for most people, this is normal stuff and they don't blink. The reason I count it for R is simply bc it takes a lot to just be "normal". To do "normal" things and get through the day holding hands, clinking glasses or feeling blessed in spite of it all.

@ rachel, I hope you feel better soon.

@sadflower, me and a friend saw this movie today and I have to say that I found it highly emotional at times - took me off guard (no triggers whatsoever - just touching).

@sparedsoul

we're together, not just occupying the same space.

@hurtbuthopeful...this is really good - keep talking!

Last night and today we talked about the coming year of 1st time affair "anniversaries" (I'm not sure what to call them) and what positive ways we can handle them.

@ notanavergangel...this is very touching for me as I thought this day would come for me with my bf but I don't believe it will.

He wanted to appologize to her for letting her down in his promise to "protect me" and she said that whats done is done, what's important is how he handles it going forward

good on your H for making that apology and I want to hug to your friend for her response.

thanks @AFN, the steaks were really good and so was the bruschetta I made!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A Frayed Knot
PS there may be some R work later as we are working through the Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue book.

Could you tell me a little bit about this book. I have really been looking for something for us to read together that will stimulate good conversation and increase emotional bonding. Is it all about fixing what is wrong or does it have some good things to think about and discuss?


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are not that far into it. But so far it is mostly focused on self healing. Not really what we were looking for. We were looking for more what you are talking about. But it can't hurt right?

The best book we read along the lines of what you are looking for was "A marriage you have always dreamed of" by Greg Smalley. It is full of exercises to do together. We worked through it a little too early (before whole truth) so we plan to do it again. The "fear dance" blew us away!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoulShine
♀ New Member
Member # 44434
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nineteen months out from our DDay and it DOES get better and better. Last night we went out for a nice dinner and had a wonderful time. As he was holding my hand across the table, he said that a few months ago he didn't think we'd ever be able to sit across from each other laughing, smiling, enjoying each other and being grateful for each other's presence. We talked about seeing other couples in the restaurant who you can just tell are headed for difficulties - the ones who are not talking, seem to have nothing to say to each other, and/or are looking at their phones and ignoring their spouses - and how there was NO WAY we ever wanted to be that way again. We talked about how very glad we both are that we are in such a better place in our marriage. He also said, no one who saw us together last night would ever have guessed what we'd been through the last 19 months. We count evenings out as "therapy" time.
Like so many others, I wish it hadn't taken the nuclear blast of an affair, and the months and months of pain and confusion, to get us here. But it did, and now we take nothing for granted and work at it every day.


BS (Me) 56
FWH (Him) 50
Married 16 years
Together 22 years
No children
3 month online/texting EA-1X PA
It all happened in late 2012
DDay - January 2013
In R

Yeah, it all started on Fakebook.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finished vacation today. 8/8-8/9 is the antiversary of the beginning of sex between my W & ow. We talked about the A and listened to some good music as we rode the Ohio Turnpike and the ITR.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to post what my wh did last week because it meant a lot to me.

Tuesday mornings he has his therapist appointment. He came home from work, we ate, hung out, and got the kids to bed. He started telling me about his appointment. He does this all the time now but he didn't use to do it. I like when he shares with me, it makes me feel a part of his healing.

He went over how much he hurt me. He discussed gaslighting and denial. He apologized with tears in his eyes. He has apologized now several times but it's always nice to hear it again and feel his appreciation for me offering R. For a long time I thought I'd never hear it.

Then he brought up finding a sitter for the boys since our anniversary is coming up. This has been a touchy subject for a while. His mother and/or sister use to watch the boys for us all the time. After dday he lied to them and they turned on me. Needless to say, we don't ask for their help for small nights out anymore.

He brought up our neighbor. She watches our cats when we go on vacation and she and the boys spent many years playi.g together. This last year or two she has physically matured a bit and has pulled back from playing. She's about 4 years older than our oldest. And we know her parents well.

My husband said he would go speak with her and her parents to arrange this. This is big and not something he had done before. It was always on me to line up a sitter, even if he asked me out. He did it. He went and spoke with them. He even made reservations.

I'm actually going to go to dinner with my husband on a date and the only thing I have to do to prepare is get myself ready.

I told him I appreciated this several times now. It feels really good to feel like his priority. It's been a long time since I felt this way and I missed it immensely.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I notice couples who don't talk/look around/@ their phone too SoulShine. Your dinner sounds nice. Don't know about you Sisoon but music in the car is therapeutic for me. BtrayedWife, thanks for sharing that wonderful story.

G'night all. Hope your week starts well. Remember, SI is here for the good, the bad and the "fugly"


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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