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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long term affair is over, seeking advice for reconciliation.
trip3
♂ Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, SI, I'm hoping you can help me deal with the ramifications of my long term emotional and sexual affair. I've been married 6 years and have cheated off and on with my ex-girlfriend our entire marriage. The cheating is over, I haven't contacted, nor do I want to contact my ex. I want to fix my marriage. My wife means the world to me. She is my best, and only friend.

I know a big part of my problem is that I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm going to go to counseling soon and see if this is something I can change.

I gave my wife access to all my email accounts and the Facebook account I used to contact my AP. She still doesn't trust me. She thinks that I'll just create another Facebook or another email account. I have a tracker on my phone, but she thinks that I'll just leave it at school and go start the affair all over again. I've told her over and over that I'm done with the cheating. I had her read the Facebook messages I sent to my AP that confirmed I quit seeing her long before my wife found out. I sort of left the door open for further communication with my AP. I'm not going to open that door again, but I'm not sure how to close it forever without contacting her.

She found out about me cheating on two occasions. She was very forgiving the first time and we went to counseling and worked things out. This time, things are different. She wants a divorce, but she has compromised by agreeing to try a trial separation first. I told her that I'm willing to do whatever she wants. I really want our marriage to work and I really want to be a better person. I just don't know how to go about it.

Timeline: D-Day beginning of May, last contact via Facebook was mid-April, last contact in person was February.


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2014
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean this in a totally sincere way. When you say "you worked things out", I don't understand what that could have been.

Seems to me that there was nothing wrong with the marriage, just something wrong with one of the marriage partners.

I hope you can figure out what that is.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI trip. The first thing I would suggest you do is start reading books such as After the Affair & How to help your spouse heal from an affair. Your suggestion that you guys 'worked things out' is a very clear sign that your understanding of the ramifications of infidelity is not quite there as you failed to establish the boundaries necessary to protect your betrayed wife (BW) from future indiscretions. Sounds to me like when you say 'we worked things out', what you really mean is 'she calmed down and rug swept and now im out of the dog house'.

Doesnt work that way, and you being here now is all the proof in the world you need of that.

Your whole world just became about REALLY looking deep inside who you are and finding your 'why'. Why did you think it was ok to carry tht relationship into yiur marriage? Why get married at all if she was still an issue? Why go back after being caught? Why was your own self respect not worth having some integrity in your marriage? Why werent you able to trust your BW with the knowledge that your relationshop with your ex was still intruding on your lives? ... and thats just for starters.

Get into IC ASAP, dont wait. And MC too if your BW will agree to it. It helps tremendously.

You seem genuinely surprised that your BW doesnt trust you when you say you are done and that you wont set up another email address? Why?? Why should she trust you now?

You have a window into a possible reconciliation (R) with this trial separation. Dont waste it mate. Keep posting, keep looking for your why.


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 115 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
trip3
♂ Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a big part of me cheating with my ex was that we had a long history together and probably the biggest thing was that she would stroke my ego. Every time I talked to her she was always talking about how smart and handsome and wonderful I was. It was really nice to hear those things.

I really never should have contacted her in the first place. At the time I fooled myself into thinking that I just wanted to see how her life was going and all that. I think that subconsciously I knew we'd have an A.

My BW is a wonderful woman who is smart, caring, compassionate, beautiful, and has the same fucked up sense of humor that I do. She's the opposite of my AP. I don't know why I cheated. Maybe it's because I could. Maybe it's because I thought I was smart and could get away with it.

[This message edited by trip3 at 8:56 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2014
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is very first time I have posted in Wayward. The tile caught my eye.

Trip, you mentioned that you enjoyed the ego stroking from your ex. Everyone enjoys an go boost. Why did you require it from your ex so much that you maintained a relationship with her?

Your BS means the world to you. She is your best friend. Then why didn't she deserve at least your respect? Why were her basic human rights to know the truth about her life trumped by your needs/desires to secretly engage in in outside relationship?

Perhaps you are correct in that you did it simply because you could and that you could get away with it. But that makes me question what you mean by her "meaning the world to you".

I also wonder what you mean about having "worked things out" after the first discovery. That could mean anything from doing your best to discover why you were so needy and asking your BS to give you the amazing gift of reconciling as well as actively fixing your flaws and helping her along in her healing toward a better marriage, to agreeing that it was OK for you to have other sexual partners.

By the looks of her reaction to the second discovery, it was not the latter.

I also assume that you had no idea of the deep pain that was caused by tossing your marriage aside the first time. Only a sadist or an idiot would do it a second time. It doesn't sound like you are either, so I suspect that you missed something very important.

I do commend you for coming here though. If you truly want to save your marriage, you have come to the right place.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
trip3
♂ Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarification on the "Worked things out"
When she first learned about the affair, we were in MC. I was rug sweeping the whole thing while my wife was in IC working on a lot of her issues. My IC sessions were less than productive. We didn't understand what Reconciliation meant at the time. We quit counseling a few months afterward. I was at the University, so counseling was included with tuition, but once you graduate you're done. During that initial affair, I blamed my BW for everything, so when her IC went so well, I felt like everything would be better. It's pretty obvious now that I blamed her so that I wouldn't have to take any responsibility for my own actions. That's just another 10 points in my selfish column.

There's obviously a lot of cognitive dissonance going on when it comes to how I feel toward my wife. I say I love her and then I cheat on her. I say I respect her and then I lie to her...
I've never really written it all out or thought about it. It's crazy to keep juggling those conflicting values at the same time.

I didn't understand how badly I hurt her. I jokingly call her a Vulcan because she isn't overtly emotional. I'm kinda the same way, too. I don't think I ever saw the pain in her eyes because she would hide it from me or she'd let it all bottle up and talk about it at IC. This time she has been angry as hell for months. I know I'll never know the pain she's in, because as she puts it, I destroyed her. That made me painfully aware of how badly I hurt her.


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2014
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like you are seeing things more clearly now. I suppose I can understand how you weren't so aware of her destruction the first time, because she somehow, for her own reasons was able to mask it.

Of course we all are quite aware of the immense pain cheating causes, but disassociate it sometimes from our own experiences. Hence the cognitive dissonance. But I also believe that this dissonance is a choice.

You both probably wanted for everything to be resolved quickly, that you both actively rug-swept, therefore never dealing with the actual, deep routed issues within yourselves.

Don't worry, we all have them! Acknowledging them is half the battle.

I'm glad you found your way here.

There are many wise people who have sat on both sides of the infidelity fence, who have done or are in the process of doing the difficult and often uncomfortable work necessary to enjoy the benefits of a truly honest and intimate relationship with their spouses or partners.

And there are also many who have very happily come through to the other side of their journeys.

Being a Sunday, many are enjoying the precious time with their families, but I'm sure you can expect more responses tomorrow from much wiser folks.

Keep digging! And good luck.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for your situation! Not only are long term affairs more painful to deal with, but the fact that it was an ex!

I am the BS in this same situation. I am curious, had you never gotten over your ex or did you rekindle old feelings? During the affair did you ever want to stop or did you feel you wanted her more than your wife? You really need to dig deep and be honest. Then you need to open this all up to your wife so she can make informed decisions about her future.

The fact that you did this KNOWINGLY for years negates your entire marriage to your wife. She feels she never mattered, that she has always been #2 and that you only settled for her.

I wish you all the best, but your wife is really hurting!! The shock and embarrassment is profound.


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
trip3
♂ Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like you are seeing things more clearly now. I suppose I can understand how you weren't so aware of her destruction the first time, because she somehow, for her own reasons was able to mask it.

We talked about it earlier and she really was hiding her pain from me. I think we both were just trying so hard for things to go back to normal that we just faked normalcy until we felt okay.


You both probably wanted for everything to be resolved quickly, that you both actively rug-swept, therefore never dealing with the actual, deep routed issues within yourselves.

I read this to her and we both laughed. It's the truth! You nailed that one on the head.

And there are also many who have very happily come through to the other side of their journeys.

I'm hoping we will be one of those couples.


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2014
trip3
♂ Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BS in this same situation. I am curious, had you never gotten over your ex or did you rekindle old feelings? During the affair did you ever want to stop or did you feel you wanted her more than your wife? You really need to dig deep and be honest. Then you need to open this all up to your wife so she can make informed decisions about her future.

You've posed some really good, really hard to answer questions. My ex and I had a hard breakup. We were together for 8 years, so there were a lot of old feelings involved. I don't think I was ever 100% over the breakup and I think that's why I looked her up. I never wanted her more than I wanted my wife. I wanted to stop the affair in the same way that a smoker wants to quit smoking. "I know this is bad for me and I should stop, but I just need one more and then I'll quit."

The fact that you did this KNOWINGLY for years negates your entire marriage to your wife. She feels she never mattered, that she has always been #2 and that you only settled for her.

My wife wholeheartedly agrees with your take on this. She feels like she is second best because of the affair. What can I do to make her feel like she's the first and only woman in my life? It's really hard to try and get someone to believe you when you're a known liar


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2014
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember every situation is different...but I will never believe my husband. I was a good wife, mother and person. We were happy or so I thought. He has moved mountains for the past 2.5 years to prove me wrong but I don't buy it. Myself, nor our children, nor our vows meant enough for him to choose not to travel the path back to her.

I stay for the kids, my home, our families and social and financial reasons.

The only thing he could have done different after? Rather than prove he loved me, he should have spent more time proving he didn't love her. He should have CONFESSED EVERYTHING WHOLEHEARTEDLY!! He should have initiated and written his own no contact letter. He should not have shown any care or concern for her feelings only mine.

I hope your fate is different than ours but it is really tough!


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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