I am so sorry you are going through this right now-again.
Right now you do need to just worry about you and your kids.
Try to get some rest tonight. I know it will be tough with all that is going on but you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and, although it is a little slow around here right now, we are all here to support you.
I just want to worry about my kids and myself.
Exactly right. My advice is to drop all the "checking". If he wants to cheat, you can't build the wall high enough, nor the moat wide enough, to keep him in the castle.
However, what you can do, in time, is to shut him out of your life so that what he does doesn't affect you.
Don't worry about "being supportive". In fact, REFUSE to support him. Let him put on his big boy pants and grow up all by himself.
I mean how much can a person take??
I don't know if it will make it any better, but your situation isn't that unusual. It's a false R and in my (humble?) opinion it's just about the worse thing a spouse can do to another. It takes the A and just magnifies it and makes it so much worse.
But, it does happen and yes, we do get through it somehow. My profile might be useful to see an example of progressing through a false R and ultimately deciding what to do about it. For me it was D, but you'll need to come to your own conclusion.
I wish you didn't have to deal with this, but you're in a good place. Keep posting. For me, SI has been close to a lifesaver. I think I'd be so much worse off if I didn't have the support of people here.
You're right to turn your concern to you and the kids. Your WH is in a magical fantasyland and he's no good to you right now. IF he snaps out of it quickly and does a whole bunch of HARD work and is ready to PROVE it to you, then maybe you'll want to give him a chance, but right now you're right to have kicked him out.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
Wish you the very best!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
Yup, he's shown you exactly who he is.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe it.
Don't be surprised when he starts the whining and crying for yet another chance, and claiming he's a 'sex addict' in order to get in your good graces and blame his behavior on something medical. Seems they're pretty much ALL doing that, now.
Really sorry for the DD#2 pain bomb that you just got.
Most people here will probably say forget MC right now (waste of time and money), and do IC for you now. And if ws is truly remorseful he'd need to do his own IC to see why he did this.
I'd cancel MC ( ws will most likely just minimize and blame during MC) til ws show's commitment and accepts all terms of your requirements for R.
Start the 180 asap--now.
Good luck. Again, so sorry.
The 180 can be hard and you'll mess up sometimes. Dont be hard on yourself when that happens, just get back on track asap. Come here and post and you'll get support.
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I think you should see an attorney and find out what your rights are.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Look after you and your children.
PLEASE get checked for STDs.
Put yourself first now, you and your children. This is what is important now.
Be kind to yourself.
What I told WH was "what is there that you can show me is different in this DD than in the previous ones?"
If there isn't anything different, then you get him the heck out of there. If there is, then IMHO, you should think about whether it makes a difference to you or not.
In my case, I can see that DD#3 is different, but I am still trying to figure out whether it is enough to justify me trying anymore. In the meantime, I already started the protection measures mentioned by others. I'm getting my financial, document, and other ducks in order in case the other shoe drops (which is what I feel like I am waiting for).
Me BS 40
3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1