Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The urge to see OW
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's maybe because my H saw her on and off for 20 yrs I am just curious to see what was so special about her.
We are 14 Months into R and every so often I get this incredible urge, H says if it's what I need he will take me, not sure if he's calling my bluff or not. She actually lives 12 hrs away if we were to drive.
It's just that this is bothering me really badly and I need advice please.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

I think this tells you the whole story already. If there was anything "special" about her, where is it?

She is a "toy" like all the others in that list.


Posts: 588 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is much to see....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The urge to see her is normal -- it may be helpful, maybe not. You are likely trying to figure out if you are safe. The thing is, that has nothing to do with her.

There was nothing special there -- APs are a dime a dozen. If she is beautiful, that will make you feel bad. If she is ugly, that will make you feel bad, too. If she appears to have a good/bad life -- same thing. No winning there!

I just spent 5 minutes comparing a picture that came up of my H's AP on facebook to a picture taken the same year last time, hoping to find, I guess, that she had what. . I don't know. . . aged more than normal? Looks worse? Is less fit?

Who knows. But, the reality is, there is no comfort to be found there. (Although I did notice that she has a somewhat unattractive, hollow & fake smile. Ha!)

But, again-- nothing special there.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:19 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
EmbraceTheChange
♀ Member
Member # 43247
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't want to see the OW, at all. I could, she still works in the same place as my husband. However I would not be able to not start a physical fight with her, and ending in jail for something like this? Meh. Better stay at home with the kids and do something interesting.


BH: me (40)
WH: him (45)
5 kids
Married for 20 years

My husband had an EA with a co-worker last year. Then I caught a text. And the rest is history.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
sunny58
♀ Member
Member # 43645
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all have that urge. Me too. Itís not worth it. It will accomplish nothing. It will make you feel worse. You need to heal and this will guarantee to be a setback for you. Take care of yourself.
((((Needadrink)))).


Divorce Final - 9/25/2014

"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from friends and loved ones."


Posts: 93 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have considered them all and processing them. I think the real reason for wanting to see her is so that I can scare the shit out of her, you see her H doesn't know and it pisses me off if I'm honest, it's like she got away with it.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
LumpyLola
♀ Member
Member # 44330
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i too have the urge to see the OW. im just curious about what the big deal is that he would throw away his entire marriage for. i'd also like to tell her a few choice words, but i, too, may not be able to resist giving her a pop in the face so I'll let it go for now.

[This message edited by LumpyLola at 7:14 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Chicago
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing her will not help. I know the woman my STBX had an affair with. And really, all it does is make it easier for me to imagine him having sex with her.
So I don't think it makes things better


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand. Even though my WH cheated on me with many OW and even with my own sister, I had to see OW#6 for myself. I felt guilty about this need for a long time until I decided to forgive myself for being human.

I sat in WH's parking lot in a borrowed car. I knew the SUV she drove and I only vaguely knew of her from when I worked there too. I had to see her with my own two eyes.

When I finally saw her, all I can say is that I was shocked, disgusted, and left scratching my head. WH could not have picked lower in the barrel. Seven kids with seven different men and she showed all the wear even though all of her kids are in foster care because she is in unfit mother. How much more can a person puke?

That is when I realized that it wasn't about OW. It was about WH and his need for ego kibbles and glory. That's when I started wondering why I would be with a man would had an 8 year A with my sister and a 3 year A with a woman with seven kids. I realize that I'm the best he will ever do and if he wants me, it's on him to earn me back.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could probably tell you both the good and bad of seeing her.

I met with OW at my request. I didn't want to "run into her" in town and have not already said my peace. I also was curious what was so special. WH had introduced us a month or so before DDay, but I wasn't exactly paying attention at that point.

In my case, she was beautiful, but so broken. I could see how broken she was. At the time of the meeting she was still very much in love with my WH, but he had been very clear for weeks that his feelings were gone/done, it was over, and that she needed to make it work with her BS. I didn't get what I wanted from the meeting, buy I was still glad I did it.

So, the good-

-she confirmed to me that WH had clearly told her I was his priority and that he would have nothing more to do with her.
-I got to see her and get the imaginery wild images out of my head.
-I got to see her brokenness
-I got to hand deliver a letter to her
-WH was very disappointed with how she handled things and treated me...this helped with the emotional break for him
-WH got to see JUST how strong I am
-This made OW very uncomfortable

The bad-
-I didn't get the closure I wanted
-I didn't get the apology I deserved
-I now have real, not imaginary images in my head
-After the meeting, my anger turned from her to WH...no more unknown person to place all my anger on
-Well, although it is fairly uncommon for APs, she is beautiful AND thin...older than both WH and me but aged very well.

Only you can make the right decision for you. Take your time. I wish you the best.


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.