I want his wife to put him on a really short leash so he can't hurt anyone else
Very respectfully, it wasn't and isn't her job to protect anyone but herself. His lies (and they changed) were weak at best. You then learned he was married, and it was a real marriage. At that moment, YOU knew he was not the 'nice guy' he was pretending to be. He had already lied to you, several times. It wasn't his looks or his charm. It was the attention that you referenced. No one would tolerate a lying, cheating person unless there was something in it for them, imo.
OK - yes, I'm a BW. I'm not attacking you. I'm simply saying that it's not his unknowing wife's job to protect society. If anything, maybe someone should protect her. That's where you come in. PLEASE, tell this poor woman about the 'real' man she's married to. You won't be blowing up her world. He's doing that. You'll only be letting her in on the facts in her life.
It may be very uncomfortable, but it's the right thing to do, again, imo.
Good luck. I'm sure it's not an easy position you find yourself in. The good news is that you know it's not right, and you want more for yourself than to live in the lies he's creating. That's not a life or a relationship. Now that you know that, the only decision is how to move forward and away from this POS liar.
I will tell her. But I have to wait until I'm calm and cool and he is not texting me any more. There is definitely little sign of remorse. And, you know, he could very well say I Told You So. I bought everything he was selling for a while... why should I have a problem now?
The anger is definitely the spur to courage. But I lose it when I think of making someone cry. So no phone call, has to be a message of some sort. I am starting to understand why so many people mentioned certified mail or the like. Because then you would know it was done.
What if I send her a private message saying, "I am X, you will remember me from the phone bills, I have been having an affair with your husband, it is over, I am sorry, if you want to ask questions here is my number."
You say you need for him to stop messaging you before you tell her- block him from messaging you. He'll try to draw you back in for as long as he can.
I have no other way of contacting her except by phone. At work, I could track down the number. At home I could just look it up. But I'm not even sure I could get a sentence out on the phone, especially not if I thought he was there at home. I think she has a private office where she works, and could take a shitty phone call.
I haven't blocked him yet. Just letting him dig a bit more of a hole right now.
My BH had told me I needed to end it and tell his BW...I thought it should come from XAP and told him that....he agreed and said he told her....he then continued to text me saying how upset she was and he didnt know what was going to happen, that he was afraid this stress would hurt the baby she was pregnant with at the time. ....blah blah blah. I asked if I could text her one message and he agreed but said I had to do it soon and then to never contact her again....so I sent it.
Three days later I called her (I knew he was at work) and tried to apologize again and offered to answer any questions for her....she told me she had never seen the other text.
Obviously he lied about telling her about the A and he had her phone when I sent the first text...and deleted it.
This is why proof is so important. And why telling her on the phone (or a certified letter) is best.
I also think you should have definitively broken off the affair and blocked him from every possible communications channel you can. You should also be 100% committed to NC (no contact) and have a strategy in place if he breaks it. You should be able to articulate how you have him blocked and what you will do if he breaks NC (like call her if she wishes).
I think the idea of contacting her with the lead-in about the phone calls is a good one. Honestly, she probably has had continuing suspicions and her WS has made escalating efforts to hide the affair based on what she has managed to find. By giving her the truth and letting her realize she is truly not crazy will hopefully help her find her feet and make some very tough choices about her life. I hope you can find compassion, empathy and gentleness with her. Dollars to donuts she is one hell of a woman and not the person her WS has told you she is. He lies, remember? After all, the pickup line of "I am married to a truly wonderful woman who treats me well, but I get my kicks leading a double life and using another woman and my wife as my own personal supply of ego kibble" doesn't work all too well.
My now-ex told the most awful lies about me to his multiple APs. Cheaters lie. Plain and simple. Don't fall into the fallacy trap of believing he only lies to his wife. Doesn't happen--trust me.
I would also put a limit (perhaps not initially vocalized) on how long you might be available to answer questions. At some point, you need to end your involvement with her as well.
Finally, I am going to suggest you do some self-reflection on why you would get involved with a married man and continue that involvement once you knew he was married. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is find the answer to that question. Hint: it has nothing to do with how fun or wonderful he is. It has everything to do with how little you value yourself.
I was with my ex-husband and daughter, because it was my birthday the next day. They know all about this. Yup, because I am a very honest and open person normally. They knew I was hurting, they took good care of me, and I drank a little too much wine perhaps. Texted some angry things to AP. So spent my birthday, Tuesday, apologizing to AP about HIS hurt feelings.
I write that to remind myself how selfish and self-absorbed he is.
I write that to remind myself how selfish and self-absorbed he is.
This really stood out to me. Gently, when you wrote "I write this to remind myself how selfish and self-absorbed..." I expected the sentence to end with "I am." Hopefully someone much wiser than me can better articulate why involving your ex and daughter in your relationship with a married man may not be healthy.
I know you're going through a difficult time but your boundaries with your ex-H and daughter may need to be explored. And spending time with loved ones over-drinking and texting a married man cannot be healthy.
Good luck and keep posting! I'm glad you're here.
And thank you Tickingtock, don't think you can unravel all of my relationships with me right now. It was my birthday. One day a year I get to be whatever I feel like to be happy in the moment. Eat my favourite foods, drink silly pink wine, cry, you know, hug my kid, her dad plays music I like. And then get back to work the other 364 days.
'spent my birthday, Tuesday, apologizing to AP about HIS hurt feelings.'
Even drunk, with my x and on my birthday; I wouldn't have been apologizing to HIM. He's the ass here.
Well, anyway; I hadn't wanted to bring it up before because you were asking specifically about telling the OW. Someone else kinda let the 'cat out of the bag.'
Please tell her soon. I am definitely in the 'certified letter' camp. It guarantees she will get it, you will KNOW she received it and you can give her an exclusive email and tell her it is only for her and you will respond X amount of times or for X amount of months ... whatever.
I like someone else's suggestion of giving her a time limit into your life. That is a super good idea.
Failure to attempt is failure.
It was still intercepted. The only thing I can figure is that they are friendly with their mailman and he ignored protocol.
I think the only way to be sure she gets this information is to call her. It is not the "best" way.....it gives her no time to process before speaking with you....but it is the only way to be sure she is the recipient.
Resolve to do this today. Get it over with. I know it's scary, but it won't be any less scary tomorrow.
If she doesn't work, I'd do the same, but send it to her home address. Yes, some USPS workers will allow any adult to sign--but if he works and she does not, odds are greater that she will there to receive it and, if no one's home, the USPS will leave a notice for her to pick it up at the Post Office--and they will NOT release it to anyone but the addressee.