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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out and about to have the talk
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh...welcome to the roller coaster ride of your life, 5Hurting5.

Just a note - once a cheater is caught acting inappropriately through their email account or texting (or whatever method they were using), you can pretty much expect all activity on those particular venues to stop. I mean, only a complete imbecile would continue to use the old methods to communicate knowing full well you're now monitoring them.

As much as it sucks that you have to monitor anyone's behavior in the first place, it kind of becomes a necessity for those of us who've been disrespected and lied to because we don't want to have the rug pulled out from under us yet again. Call it self preservation if you will.

But the ugly truth is that most cheaters simply find a way to bring their crap deeper underground, using new methods you're not aware of. If he has an iPhone or Smart Phone, there are endless apps that let you chat/talk/text with others and it doesn't leave a history or trail on the cell phone or the cell phone bill. All one needs is a WiFi connection. Free web-based email accounts are there for the taking (Gmail, Yahoo, etc.) and take about 4 minutes to create a new email address. Certain websites (like this one, for instance) have a private message feature where people can communicate, and so do gaming sites or technical message board sites and on and on and on.

I bring all this up because the clear majority of us did the same thing you're doing - we monitored our WS's phone and email accounts and of course, the activity had ceased on their old methods of communication. Most of us discovered down the road, however, that they'd just found different ways to continue being in contact while they lied their faces off to us claiming they'd stopped communicating with their affair partner.

It sucks being lulled into a false sense of security only to have to deal with more deceit. It takes a long time to rebuild trust so my biggest piece of advice (if you're looking to reconcile) is to proceed cautiously.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
5Hurting5
♀ Member
Member # 44452
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, his phone is through work so I can't monitor it properly. I'm well aware that he'll simply go deeper underground. He's not just a WH looking to still get his fix, he's also a tech. If he wants to hide, I'll never find it.

All I can do right now is go to counseling and prepare for the worst.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly..Go to counseling, prepare for the worst..Start building a life that has nothing to do with feeding the needs of your relationship/ marriage..Instead have this life be one that feeds your own needs and soul... A life full of different types of support in place such as friends, family, places to go, things to do, so that you are just as okay (maybe even more so) whether or not you stay in the marriage...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And be wary of what counselors say..If what a counselor advises doesn't resonate with your feelings and common sense, then time to shop for a new counselor....
The counselors at this point should be MORE focused into helping you with your recovery not the recovery of the marriage..
Based on how your WH acts in this infidelity aftermath, you may just as soon strangle him and give him the boot vs working on the marriage...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
5Hurting5
♀ Member
Member # 44452
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made the counselor appointment - not with the one listed here because Healthgrades only gave her a one star. Went with a five star instead.

When I called, I told her why we need counseling and asked what she would recommend - just him, just me, or both of us. She said both so that it doesn't look like we're ganging up on him. I let her know that I'm not dragging him to counseling. He brought it up immediately.

I emailed him the appointment date and time and let him know she doesn't take insurance but we may be able to submit it to our health insurances and he responded that if insurance doesn't pay then we can take it out of the vacation fund he's been building with his over-time pay. I thought that was also positive.

So that's good. I'm still skeptical and mad and upset and all the emotions available on this roller coaster, but little sparks of sunshine are nice to see.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, I am sorry you are here!!

It sounds like he never came clean about what he was doing last year and, even if it did end, he never fixed his shit and wound up doing the same thing again. Affair shopping.

She lives an hour away and is married? Neither one of those is actually a preventative towards affairs. He's married to, what stopped him? Not his marriage, so why would hers stop her or him?

When I first caught my husband, his first response was that it was "coworker going in the wrong direction." WheN I asked if it would get physical, first it was "no" then it was "maybe" but he didn't want it to.

I kept pressing and he finally caved. They'd already had sex. They'd been having oral sex for a month.

7 hours later I discovered she was OW2 and that OW1 went back a YEAR and "dozens" of times having sex and a full blown emotional affair.


usually when they're caught, the wayward spouse will minimize, deny, minimize, deny. It's when you have proof that they MAY admit something... and even then, the first time they're caught, what they admit to is typically just the very tiny tip of an iceburg

There are some great resources inthe healing library. I'd definitely recommend NOT Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse heal - for you to read. And your husband if he gets his head out of his ass.

Also, as discouraging as it is - for those who have geeky tech savvy husbands - the only reason they're caught is because they are (a) wanting to get caught or (b) got sloppy. Your husband tried to take the first one underground with his password, when you caught that, it is very likely he took it underground in a different way so as to not get caught. You finding this email sounds like he got sloppy - not that he wanted to get caught.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he wants to hide, I'll never find it.

This is a hard reality to face as a BS... and it's true for all of us. Ultimately we cannot see and know every single thing that they do. And I don't even wnat to know so that I can tell him "nono" on everything, I want to know so that I can make informed choices.

But ultimately, if a WS is not remorseful and has no intention of changing, it is extremely easy to go underground. My husband's OW1, when her husband found out, she just called from work - and alternated which work phones she used so that it would show up as different numbers on my husband's phone. She used a pinger service to send texts, picking the number so that it appeared different and wouldn't raise suspicions if I saw the phonebill. She got a new email address. She had a messenger program to bypass texts completely.

She was quite savvy for someone who supposedly didn't know technology and had never had an affair before (I rolled my eyes when my husband told me this). She had a whole arsenal of things to do to keep it going and keep it secret from her husband


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the OW is married, I would strongly suggest that you contact her BH and let him know exactly what's going on. This may seem like it's revenge oriented, but it truly is not.

1. The BH deserves to know what their WW is up to just as much as you deserve to know what your WH did. Flipping it around, if the BH had information about your WHs infidelity, wouldn't you want and deserve to know?
2. Maybe the BH DOES have information and is willing to provide it to you, so you can be more fully informed.
3. Affairs are sorta like cockaroaches. As long as everything is hidden, is dark, it's the Roach Ball. Shine a light onto the A, and the cockaroaches go running to damage control. Likely outcome is one or both of them throw the AP under the bus to try to save their marriage. And, if the A is outed, the BH of the OW will be watching just as closely as you are, to keep tabs on what's going on.
4. And if outing them draws them closer to their unicorn-fart Soul-Smoopie-Mate, then better you know it now instead of dragging it out for months or years, bleeding all the way.

(((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have received excellent advice so far.

Yes, please don't tip your hand too soon. It will simply force them underground.

Check for burner phones in his car.....look under the seat in pockets, etc.

Also, once you have proof out the OW to her husband.

This is the advice from people here on SI.

I wish I had found SI years ago. It would have saved so much pain.

I did not out the OW to her husband, and she continued contact, until I did.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
toogoodhearted
♀ New Member
Member # 44472
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about your situation. I just found out yesterday but my story is messed up . I would like to post it but I don't know how as I am brand new here. Hugs and again so sorry

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: canada
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toogoodhearted, you can create a post in the Just Found Out forum where you can share your story. I think externalizing the story, putting it into words, can be a major cathartic experience to see it all laidout... pour the heartache into the words. And these forums are wonderful because as people respond and you begin reading other threads, you realize you are not alone. And people do get through this and heal, themselves and - if they and their spouse wants - their marriage too.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too good hearted:

You can post a new topic by doing this:

click on forums in the yellow box to the left of the screen.

When you get to the various forums, click on the "just found out" forum.

When that forum opens look to the upper right where you will see the words "post new topic"

Click that an then when the white box opens put in your title and type your story.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5H5 you have recd excellent advice so far, and it appears that you have really got your stuff together. So you are a bit ahead of the game here.

If you think counseling will work, I would urge you to also make it a requirement of your WS to do IC. He has to realize he is broken, and has some serious work to do on himself. Until he does this, he won't fix what's broken, and thus keep you at risk of a repeat.

I do agree that a tech savy spouse is hard to catch, but not impossible, and even though I was seeing the nuances of change in his personality when he was breaking NC, I needed the proof to convince him that I was justified in being done. If I didn't have proof that he wasn't doing the work, and if I didn't have proof that he was breaking NC, then I couldn't say to him you aren't giving it 100% because I couldn't quite put a finger on it without the proof. Once I had the proof though. Then I could say I see this, it is proof, I am done. For us I needed it....That being said, a VAR in a car and a GPS on a car can be that proof you need.

I am not convinced that nothing has been physical with any of his exploits, and for that I would really push him on testing. If he gets it, and wants to heal things he will agree to it. If he balks and says your crazy, and all that jazz, then I would be suspicious. Get tested yourself as well. It's the only way to be 100% certain you are clean.

Don't feel guilty for looking, for checking for spying. He needs to know that you don't trust him anymore, and he needs to own that he did that to you. When my H quit hiding his phone, and left it open for me, with knowledge of passwords to all of his emails, it was because he got it. It helped me tremendously.

Anyway, welcome, and keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 33
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