I'm not sure that it will ever look like a smart choice, to get pregnant after the problems we've been through, but I'm also not comfortable with resigning myself to never having a family. We are in the middle of R right now, so not quite to the happy place but definitely working there.
Sorry for the short post, H just walked in.
The fact that you cut the post short due to WH walking in makes it sound like you guys need to communicate a bit more openly. Does he know you're thinking about and struggling with this? I think he's the person you need to have this conversation with.
I think it comes down to a few questions: are you comfortable enough in R to make the commitment of having a child together? Are you ready to give up/delay your dream of a family in favor of continuing to work on R with him? If the answer to both of those is No, are you ready to leave him and find a partner that you see a different future with, and with whom you would have those children?
This is not something we are discussing in the imminent future. It is one of my concerns about the relationship progressing - am I giving up my "best" (in this case, fertile) years to work on a marriage that may or may not succeed?
We love each other. That is good. Am I able to accept it and move on? At some point, yes. Are we to the point where I feel safe, secure, and like I can trust him? No. It will come if we work on it.
Have things changed...well, they look like it. We are both in counseling and he is initiating communication. I have a tendency to log on here and actually post when I don't know what else to do.
I know all of this is putting the cart before the horse. But, I feel we need to be on the same page in the future. This could be a goal or milestone to work towards in the marriage. Getting to where we love and trust and respect each other enough to start that family. It is something I want.
I'm all over the place, but would love of anyone who intentionally conceived during R after an A or ONS. What made you get to that place? Was there one thing that helped you get there?
I don't know about you, but I feel like there will never be an "after" R. It will always be during.
I know we are not going to D or S. My heart is not in that. I just don't know at what point I will feel secure in bringing children into the what-if.
I can't tell you about pregnancy after DDay, but I had a 3 week old on DDay. I felt trapped. We also have a 3 year old, so between being in recovery from giving birth, and facing the demands of a newborn and toddler, I chose to put the M on a 1 year trial period rather than kick him out. I could never wish my kids away, they are the most amazing things to happen to me, but I have wished that he wasn't their father. It's a truly hideous way to feel.
I'm 4 months out later this week, and the baby is amazing, but dealing with her and the mess WH has created is leaving me feeling like a shell of my former self. Couples stay up all night talking about this sh*t, and I wish we could. I'm up all night caring for the baby (he helps occasionally, but I breastfeed so he can't do much). We can only devote a few hours any day to facing our mess because the rest of it is used looking after the kids, and we won't discuss this in front of them.
I'm not saying to never have a child with him. But I'd do a fair amount of couples counseling before hand. And I wouldn't be looking to get pregnant for at least 1, if not 2 years after DDay.
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."
Dealing with this nightmare is difficult enough, bringing an innocent child into the mix would only make things harder IMO.
I'm not sure that it will ever look like a smart choice
^^^Yes, it can be a smart choice when both of you are on the same page. Right now the foundation is in a million pieces, but it can be rebuilt to the point of true R and trust. It will take much more time than a couple of months to get to what will be a "new" normal. Be patient and focus on healing right now.
Best to wait until R is really going well and has been for a while and then re think.
in my case...i was pushng 40 when all of this happend. and i did have fertility issues. i already had a 2 year old at the time, and always wanted more children.
the decision came down to this for me: "why should i allow his poor decisions to ROB me out of having another child and sibling for my son?" no way. i talked this through in ic as well. had i decided to wait...and then missed my chance to have a baby...i would end up hating him in the longrun, whether i stayed with him or not. can you imagine 5 years later if i had waited and missed my chance. i would be sitting here upset because i stayed with my h...but because he cheated, i didnt have another kid. talk about eatng a shit sandwich. no way.
so, yes we had started a healthy r the second time around..but i moved forward with having another child. i knew that if things didnt work out, i would be able to take care of my children financially, and i have a lot of support from family. and that if it didnt work out, then i had my children...regardless of him.
but see...i had to make this decision at 40...whole different ballgame. you know what i mean?
now, had i been 31 or 32 years old....or younger. i would definitely wait. and strongly consider freezing my eggs as well as the other posted suggested.
being pregnant during while in r is hard. it just is. it was for me. my h was doing all the right things...but it is important for me to share that the pain in no way goes away. and certainly doesnt even after you are holding a beautiful baby. you still have to process and et through what happend. there is really no escaping it. it is not like on tv where when the baby is born....al is well and forgiven. no. you still have to heal through the nightmare.
hugs to you.