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User Topic: WW Breaks NC and Enlists DD to Cover Up
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is out of the country taking DD#2 to a world music competition. I am following in a few days to join them. My WW had recently ended a 10 month long emotional affair with a musician teacher of my DD#2. Possible PA, but doubtful.

My Dear Sweet Loving Daughter #1 received a text from my WW and said, "I got a text from mom!". Since they are 40 cents a pop I said, "great lets hear it!". She then started reading it out loud to me and the jist of it was, "please delete the FaceTime accounts from the iPad and dad's phone because [OM] sent a message and he's not supposed to and dad will freak out so don't tell..." She stopped and said, "um I wasn't supposed to read this to you..." and then got really red in the face.

I then promised her that I would not "tell mom you told me" and that I would let her delete the FaceTime info from the iPad (which last year WW took with her to the foreign country competition FaceTiming OM) and my iPhone. I told her that mom was right that she should delete that message because I was concerned over their "too familiar friendship".

My DD#1 is 14, very wise and reads people very well, so she had long figured out my concern about my WW, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Now she's being enlisted to cover tracks and that has got to stop.

My DD says that the text says my WW will tell me about the message when I get over to [foreign country] and to please not tell mom she messed up. I agreed to not tell her mom.

So, here I sit, looking forward to waiting a week so my wife MIGHT tell me that OM has made contact. Will she? I saw the beginning part of the message (the iPad had a password that DD#1 didn't have and as soon as I entered it the first part of the message popped up). It was of a very familiar tone. Sort of like, "Greetings to you in [foreign country]!! I hope..." That is not the first text you might send after WW sent a no contact message two months ago.

So, I suspect that the message was not the first message sent. I believe that they have been in contact for some time. My questions are:

1) Does FaceTime have a group text function? If so it may explain quite a bit. It's very unlikely that he would text the entire music group.
2) My DD texted back to my WW that it was "done". Will WW still inform me of the breach of NC by OM?
3) If she does tell me, I will need to follow up with, "why did he feel he would be well received texting you? Show me the text. Why did you get DD#1 involved? Why didn't you just immediately call me?" Then I probably need to call the OM and see WTF he was thinking.
4) If she doesn't tell me when I see her, I guess that would be a complete failure of NC, and that means the affair never ended.

I think the most likely outcome is that she has been in contact by some other means and that the OM just screwed up and thought that FaceTime would be a secure method to contact with her out of town. I believe she has not ended contact and that the EA is ongoing.

Crap! I thought I was getting out of the woods here. I thought I was in the Reconcile Forum, but maybe I need to go clear back to Just Found Out. This is like Deja vu all over again as this is how DDay was almost 1 year ago this week.


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"please delete the FaceTime accounts from the iPad and dad's phone because [OM] sent a message and he's not supposed to and dad will freak out so don't tell..."

This is so wrong on so many different levels that I don't even know where to start.
Do NOT delete ANYTHING!!!!

I told her that mom was right that she should delete that message because I was concerned over their "too familiar friendship".

Wrong answer. Mom is NOT right. You just sent your DD the message that it is the *reaction* to the wrongdoing that is the problem and not the wrongdoing itself. You are complicit in teaching your DD that *hiding* things is *right*.

To answer your questions:
1) Don't know anything about FaceTime.
2) Will your WW inform you of the contact? Dunno.
3) No. You do not just *sit* on this and only address it if your WW happens to bring it up. And do NOT bother to contact the OM about the contact. This is an issue that is between you and your WW and has to do with her choice in how the contact was handled.

TBH, I don't know that I would sit on this and just *wait* to see what your WW does when you get to the foreign country.....but I'm a hothead when it comes to my kids and I would be hella pissed if my stbx told my child to jack my phone to erase evidence of his wrongdoing.

OM just screwed up and thought that FaceTime would be a secure method to contact with her out of town.
Based on your WW's reaction to the contact, I agree with you. Maybe OM messed up *on purpose*, but that's neither here nor there. Were you able to access the content of the messages in their entirety?

I thought I was in the Reconcile Forum, but maybe I need to go clear back to Just Found Out. This is like Deja vu all over again as this is how DDay was almost 1 year ago this week.
I'm so sorry. {{{hugs}}}.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonnabe,

Thank you for your response!

Wrong answer. Mom is NOT right. You just sent your DD the message that it is the *reaction* to the wrongdoing that is the problem and not the wrongdoing itself. You are complicit in teaching your DD that *hiding* things is *right*.

I don't have access to my wife's text to my DD or the text from the OM. But I do remember (through the 5 glasses of wine) that she told my DD:

1) She was blocking OM messages and that channels for him to communicate should be deleted
2) She would talk with me about it in a few days
3) Don't let me see it now as it would "freek me out"

So as far as covering, it is a temporary thing to allow her to address the issue in person. Fortune has given me the opportunity to give her the chance to "come clean" and follow NC. If she does, there are more questions. If she doesn't, then there are no more question--she is cheating again.

My DD views my WW and I as:

Mom has issues with dad, dad has issues with mom. Mom's issues involve money and investing. Dad's issues involve mom's friendship with another man that has gotten dad jealous and upset.

The other 4 children are oblivious, but just know that mom and dad disagree sometimes.

I would rather throw myself under the bus than to drag them into this hopefully temporary disagreement. I will not have them used as pawns. My wife doesn't seem to follow those rules of engagement, however.


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2014
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This scenario seems way too complicated, and it seems like you're adding to the complication. You're not out 'n out lying to your daughter, but it seems like you're not exactly being honest with her, either. Lots of mixed messages in your situation, and I just don't see how that is good for anyone.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9854 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not wanting them used as pawns is exactly why it needs to be addressed with an understanding that serious consequences will follow if she puts them in the middle again.

I'm furious that she would do this to your daughter. It's disgusting and she's fd in the head for thinking it was acceptable. You must protect your children from her and her manipulations. What else is she willing to do?

Don't make excuses for her on this one. There is no excuse.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said your DD is good at reading people. She knows something about the EA and now it just looks like dad will freak because he's jealous or thinks moms doing something. I mean you took the bullet for her but I don't see how that helps protect the child. She's 14: she's got to know and are you willing to look like the guy that freaks over nothing (according to ws). Just sounds very confusing for your DD. The fact that ws is using your child to cover her tracks is despicable. Is this music teacher at the sane location as wife and daughter? I wouldn't want her with her mom if this guy is around, Wrong on so many levels. I would want to confront wife and say, do you have any idea how low you have sunk to drag your child into this mess.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dear Sweet Loving Daughter #1 received a text from my WW and said, "I got a text from mom!". Since they are 40 cents a pop I said, "great lets hear it!". She then started reading it out loud to me and the jist of it was, "please delete the FaceTime accounts from the iPad and dad's phone because [OM] sent a message and he's not supposed to and dad will freak out so don't tell..." She stopped and said, "um I wasn't supposed to read this to you..." and then got really red in the face.


Dear Lord, help us all.

This is a next level I hope never to attain...where my wife asks one of my daughters to lie for her so that she can choose adultery.


A strong word of caution here, from a man who is not a professional but has read numerous books on infidelity and parenting (daughters specifically as I have 2).

Don't ask your daughter to lie for you....not even to have her keep a secret as small as "Keep this quiet, but I am bringing Mom flowers home with me from work tonight". It really f's with there core values. It also puts their young developing minds at risk of being warped.

Not sure of DD#1 age...but am assuming it is in the formative range....10-19 years old.

Don't wait for your wife to bring this to you. It sucks, but now is not the time for game playing....this is serious shit that needs to be addressed head on. It will be painful, expect denial and attacks from her. Do your dead level best to express your feelings and then stop. try to endure the song and dance she will perform for you in response to being discovered again. I have had to practice what I am preaching to you now more than I care to admit....when I DO succeed, it results in growth. When i don't, it hurts like hell. This. IS. TOUGH. SHIT.

Since my wifes affair I keep hearing that country song with the lyric "she's always dancing while I am stuck paying the band".

Its not fair what you are being asked to do....you must step up and parent even though parts of you want to engage at a primal level right now. Your wife is not considering your daughters feelings right now....but you MUST. Your wife is getting her kibbles and needs met, not in healthy ways but in medicated ways.....yours are being left unmet. She is attempting to reap before she sows. You must sow before you reap. Its not fair, but it is the right thing to do. You know this. You are a part of that same broken M and yet you have not chosen adultery. Keep going.


If ever you doubted that affairs were about anyone but the one, singular person saying "yes" to it...really examine what just happened. Your wife just choose another man not just over you but her innocent daughter. Actually USING your daughter to engage in adultery. My wife used our family dog...and that is tough enough for me to process....

ugh.

And its not about his sexual prowess, or his rugged chin (in my wifes case, his double chin). it is about your wifes selfish, wanton desires. Desires for which she has no stomach to work and have them fullfilled within your marriage but is instead choosing the fast and easy path to a mirage of that fullfillment.

Waywards choose adultery not as a singular, stand alone choice...but it is rather a fruit picked from a long pattern of sowing and tending. There are more fruit like that to be picked other than this one musician friend. My wife found it in a gradeschool lunch room. A friend of ours found it in on a FB connection. Another guy I know finds it weekly on AshleyMadison.com.

Amazing how easy it is to find "soul mates" when you don't really care about the other person, isn't it?

Adultery, like all sin, is singularly selfish at its core.

I dread the day when our girls discover my wifes affair. I pray this happens ONLY after they are old enough to have a discussion about it.

I really pray we never have to have that discussion with them........

Post often. We got your back.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:50 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 10th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DD views my WW and I as:
Drama she doesn't want to deal with.

I don't have access to my wife's text to my DD
Your DD read you the text. You could have told her to give you her phone and let you see the exchange. Did your DD delete it? Not too long ago I made it a rule in my house that my youngest DS(14) had to speak to his dad through regular text, without deletion, and not apps such as snapchat that *disappear*.

or the text from the OM.
yea, I noticed that you said your DD didn't even have the password to delete what your WW asked her to delete. So what's up with that? If your DD doesn't even have the ability to comply with your WW's request....why involve her at all????

I will not have them used as pawns. My wife doesn't seem to follow those rules of engagement, however.
You need to stop aligning yourself with your WW and start aligning yourself with your kids.
In a nutshell, it's no longer you and WW against the world, but you and your kids against the world. Your WW was SO wrong to have involved your DD in the way that she did today that I would find it very, very hard to not go nuclear on her. Honestly, the fact that your WW thinks it's *ok* to use your DD as a go-between to keep communications between herself and her OM *secret* from you would be enough for me to blindside WW with D papers.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean you took the bullet for her but I don't see how that helps protect the child. She's 14: she's got to know and are you willing to look like the guy that freaks over nothing (according to ws).

I am so the not freak out type and DD#1 knows that. The only thing that upsets me is when my children are mean to each other.

I soooooo need to know my wife's intentions. In the long run, that's what really matters, right?

If she comes clean and gives me good answers, then we're still on track, still reconciling, still moving in the right direction, still in MC.

If she doesn't mention it then it's a whole new world. She is still having an EA and in direct conflict of our agreement and our MC direct admonition to DELETE him. Well she's telling DD#1 to delete him, but how the hell did he get there with that attitude?

Regarding DD#1, if I were her, I could understand or get a jealous and over protective dad. Makes sense.

What would rock my world is a mom that would have an affair with another man. So, I'm a jealous and over protective dad -- that's my play and I sticking to it.


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2014
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich, Blakesteele, Gonnabe, and others, thank you for your comments. I am taking them to heart and will consider them carefully. I don't see how this ends well, not in this chapter. Maybe the next. It's a long book, so there's time for things to improve, right?


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she comes clean and gives me good answers, then we're still on track, still reconciling, still moving in the right direction, still in MC.

No. You aren't.
OM contacted your WW.
Your WW contacted YOUR DD about it....not you. Your WW chose to contact your 14 year old daughter to ask her to delete evidence of the contact from her boytoy. That.is.fucked.up.
That is not ANYTHING resembling R-type or right direction behavior.

(not to mention that the brief amount of contact you saw indicated that NC has NOT been established.....)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it from someone who's Mom was cheating on his Dad when he was your daughter's age, the amount of lying and hiding going on in your house is causing lifelong damage right now. She doesn't think that you are jealous because Mom is friends with some guy, she knows you're being cheated on and she doesn't know why you're not sticking up for yourself. She's being taught that it's OK to lie by her mother and she is going to need a ton of therapy to untangle this mess someday.

Please don't be my Dad. Please don't continue to lie to your daughter, minimize what your wife is doing (and making your daughter lie to you for her is hugely fucked up, regardless of her stated intention to tell you) and please don't bury your head in the sand. This is an absolutely terrible example.

[This message edited by h0peless at 12:42 AM, August 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was willing to drag your DD14 (such an impressionable age!) into this mess in an attempt to save her own ass. Regardless of whether she comes clean about OM or not, this issue needs addressed. This would be a HUGE hurdle in reconciliation for me.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever read about the various stages of grief? There's one which we BS's often engage in called "bargaining". When I read this thread that's what I see you doing. You're setting up every possible condition & excuse to make what your WW did not be as bad as it plainly is. You're dragging your daughter right along and being a role model of dysfunction. You've made her a pawn, too, by asking her not to say anything to Mom, just play dumb along with me, send that message "done" so Mom doesn't know that I know.

I'm sorry, Man, but this scenario is rotten.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9854 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how on track you are if your WW is happy to contact your daughter about hiding a broken NC. If you aren't the freak out type, as you say your daughter knows, then what would be the problem with telling you. You can wait this out, she might even tell you that he contacted her. Problem is CHEATERS LIE! You have now handed her all the power to make up whatever she wants because you chose not to read all the information available to you. The only reason I can think of that you didn't, and I mean REAL reason, is you are too scared to really see the truth of it. I don't know what the truth is but I'm not sure why you have decided that if she decides to tell you as she promised your dd, that she is going to tell you the whole truth. That if she says he contacted and you ask your questions, you'll breathe a sigh of relief and you'll be able to move forward. I hope she does tell you the truth, but at the very least your WW has a very screwed up idea of what is appropriate to ask your children and she is still not treating you like a partner. She could have used that incident to trust you not to freak out and prove she is being open and honest from this moment forward. As a BW I can't think of ANY reason s WS should pass up that opportunity! And I personally couldn't overlook it and return to moving forward bliss! JMHO!

So Sorry you are in this place!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4 coming

yes, of course, weakness and dishonesty. your WW tells your daughter to lie, you tell your daughter to lie, and you wait and pretend you don't know (also a lie) to see if your WW will lie to you.

see the problem?

how do you correct it? you start telling the truth.

tell your daughter that you made a mistake. that you aren't going to lie or ask her to lie. tell her that it was a mistake that you found out but that she shouldn't keep secrets from one parent to another. then call your WW and tell her what happened. And then ask her not to involve your children in schemes anymore. don't get upset. don't accuse your WW of anything. just tell her you think it's damaging to the kids to do things like that. tell her you will discuss it when you get there.

see? be honest. always. life is simpler.

then see how she reacts.

[This message edited by mike7 at 1:03 AM, August 11th (Monday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it from someone who's Mom was cheating on his Dad when he was your daughter's age, the amount of lying and hiding going on in your house is causing lifelong damage right now. She doesn't think that you are jealous because Mom is friends with some guy, she knows you're being cheated on and she doesn't know why you're not sticking up for yourself.

As best I can tell she believes my wife's side of the story which is she has an acquaintance that I am overly protective over. Her mom has decided to end the acquaintance because it concerns me and that WW would never cheat on me and her mom loves me very much.

I feel terrible not telling her the full truth, but that's the best I can do right now. This latest is killing me. DD has got to have all sorts of questions right now. This is her second week of high school and this gets dumped on her head.

You're dragging your daughter right along and being a role model of dysfunction. You've made her a pawn, too, by asking her not to say anything to Mom, just play dumb along with me, send that message "done" so Mom doesn't know that I know.

DD asked me to not tell mom she read the text out loud. I said OK. DD decided to send the text "done". I did not ask her to lie, my DD asked me not to embarrass her to her mom.

I sat down with her and said that lies are damaging to a marriage and it is best to tell the truth. I told her that some things are best explained in person, and that mom felt it would be best to do that in this case and that I am sure we would have a good talk about it in [foreign country] so that I don't have to worry.

I can't say that I don't do lies -- I've done some. But, my memory is not good enough to keep track of lies, so I just stay away from it. Sometimes I don't tell the full truth or keep my mouth shut when I don't have the full story. White lies have a way of becoming gray lies and that leads to a very awkward position eventually. The truth is way easier to remember, so that's what I always try to stick with.

You all have very good points that this is f'd up. It is. I can't imagine getting myself into a position where I have to call or text from overseas to my DD to cover my tracks. That's what lies get you--backed into a corner with nowhere to go but stepping on those you love.

You have now handed her all the power to make up whatever she wants because you chose not to read all the information available to you. The only reason I can think of that you didn't, and I mean REAL reason, is you are too scared to really see the truth of it. I don't know what the truth is but I'm not sure why you have decided that if she decides to tell you as she promised your dd, that she is going to tell you the whole truth.

Ouch. I think you're right--I am scared. I don't want to pull on this string to see where it leads, but I need to.

I hope to recover the data with RecoverIt forensic data recovery (by BrickHouse).

But at that moment, I had to decide whether I was going to take my DD's innocent mistake in reading the text out loud and use it to extract data about my wife's infidelity right in front of her. To let her know that I was so concerned about my wife's behavior that I would defeat DD in her efforts to obey my wife's request. This was lose-lose-lose at it's finest.

She could have used that incident to trust you not to freak out and prove she is being open and honest from this moment forward. As a BW I can't think of ANY reason a WS should pass up that opportunity! And I personally couldn't overlook it and return to moving forward bliss!

If WW had texted me or called me immediately, it would have been so much better in so many ways. My only thought for her NOT doing that is that the message shows she has still been in contact and that the EA is still ongoing.

When I read this thread that's what I see you doing. You're setting up every possible condition & excuse to make what your WW did not be as bad as it plainly is. You're dragging your daughter right along and being a role model of dysfunction. You've made her a pawn, too, by asking her not to say anything to Mom, just play dumb along with me, send that message "done" so Mom doesn't know that I know.

I do make it a point to give people the absolute benefit of the doubt. It's a decision I have made and there is a price (and a reward) for it.

I guess I am in bargaining -- I'll read up on it--thanks! But, I have not asked my DD to lie. I have let her complete her task of deleting the message and being truthful to her mom. I did not ask DD to withhold information, but it seems to have worked out that way.

Thanks again for all of your excellent thoughts.


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was blocking OM messages and that channels for him to communicate should be deleted
I thought this was done many months ago?

You just cannot get this guy out of your life can you.

Where is this OM right now, is he in this other country with them, since he is involved in the music aspect of this.

Didn't this OM write you and tell you that he would avoid your wife completely now that he had this new job in town with the music teaching.

Also, isn't this OM afraid you could ruin his wonderful new job with music teaching and all of the other parents.

The problem here is that NO ONE seems to take you seriously, not your wife, and not this OM.

Start considering how to make this jackass take you seriously. Think about discussing this OM with the school and other parent.

Wait and see what your wife has to say, but I don't think it will matter anymore, you have heard her say a great many things over the past year and this OM.

And I don't know how much more of their nonsense you can take. You need to get this OM out of your life.


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Jun 2002
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As best I can tell she believes my wife's side of the story which is she has an acquaintance that I am overly protective over.

I suppose that's possible, but I doubt it. Kids know a lot more than you think and they tend to have pretty finely tuned bullshit detectors. I remember that being a terrible place to be when I was a kid: I didn't want to be "responsible" for my parents getting a divorce by telling my Dad to open his fucking eyes but I really wanted him to do something about it at the same time. I just played like I didn't like my Mom's "friend" and spent as much time away from the house as I could.


Posts: 1755 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems you are very interested in finding out where your marriage is going. I understand. In my opinion, your wife lied to you about the contact. Your wife covered up the evidence. Your wife asked her 14 year old young daughter to lie for her. Is any of this OK as far as being wife material goes? I'd have to say NO. Your w is most likely still in contact with OM and since she's in another country their usual form of contact is not working. So he uses another form of contact (Ummm, wasn't he blocked?) and your wife freaks out because she knows you might find it. Reconciliation is not going too well if you ask me.

I happen to think the damage to your daughter is the worst part of this situation.

Your daughter just learned some VERY valuable lessons:
1) It's OK to lie to your spouse and life partner if you can make it look like you are "protecting" them.
2) Don't EVER let your guard down around Dad because you might 'Slip' up and say something that Mom doesn't want Dad to know. Better to just stop communicating at a deeper level with Dad.
3) Delete all your texts so Dad doesn't accidentally read them and then you will be responsible for Mom and Dad breaking up the family.
4) If mom finds out Dad heard about the text then they will fight. If they break up it will be MY fault.
5) Lying is a great way to make sure the other people don't worry about you or get upset if you do something wrong. When I screw up as a teenager it will be OK if I just MAKE SURE Mom and Dad never find out.
6) There is nothing wrong with having a close male friend when I get married as long as I keep all evidence away from my husband.
7) It will be OK if I ever need to enlist my siblings to LIE for me when I'm an older teenager because Mom did it so why would that be wrong?

I could go on and on. I take parenting very seriously and I see so many problems with this ONE little situation. So much damage all the way around.

My suggestion would be that the next time you catch wind of your wife using your daughter as her cover up and confidante you wait before promising anything. If you had told your daughter when she started reading that text "Whoa. Parents do not ask their kids to lie or cover up. Let's think About this for a bit before making any decision". Then your daughter could have simply said "Hey Mom, I started reading the text out loud so dad knows what you wrote - I didn't know you were going to ask me to lie to my own dad" Then this would be out in the open and could be dealt with honestly. You could still talk to your daughter about using this approach that way if it ever came out that you already knew, your dd wouldn't be blamed.

I'll be sending positive vibes for you to work this out while still honoring your child and helping to mold her into a beautiful, confident, honest woman.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 11:11 AM, August 11th (Monday)]


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

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