Yep...I'm right there with you.
"I will NEVER do that again!" has been said throughout the past 2 years....wife lurked his FB page the whole 2 years, my third DD that showed me this was 7 weeks ago.
I get what you are saying in this post.
But I differ.....I don't wish to go back....I wish to have a FF button.
My wife has set up a pattern within our marriage of me waiting on the next shoe to drop. I see this as a necessary part of my journey because it is training me to allow her to have less and less influence and impact on me. Not healthy for a M, but healthy for my own growth. I just need to be cautious and not let this experience shut me off from really connecting with people. I have such a desire to grow better, not bitter from this experience.
My latest DD came and went relatively effortlessly compared the previous ones....almost like watching an old re-run of Three's Company. Kind of intriguing, but kinda of bored and predictable. I know this is different than your post...but does any of this kind of resonate with you?
Its like I am no longer afraid to look at who I am married to. When the passion of "NEVER" is said I hardly stop to take note.
That is where the proof is.
Lord how I have been duped and hurt by the distractions of words by my wife....but that is on me to own. It is my own brokenness that allows this to happen.
I am healing and I am growing through this...sometimes in spite of my wifes efforts.
Yeah.....I F'ing hate this too.
I have kids your kids ages too....this is f'ing with them too. "I would never do anything to hurt my girls" was another passionate but false statement from my wife during this trial of trials. A lie she believed while in her affair and for a good year afterwards.
God is with us all.