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User Topic: Did your WS pursue affair or were they persued?
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did your WS pursue affair or were they pursued?

I know it doesn't make any difference but I am curious. My WS was pursued. She had to come out and tell him she wanted to have an affair because although he enjoyed flirting he would have never took it to the next level on his own.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS was pursued. OW went to great links to originally ingrain herself into his life. He also ended the A with her 3 different times and each time she was the one who kept coming back.

That being said . . . my WH WAS the one who took the bait. I won't/can't/shouldn't blame her for that.


Posts: 192 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same with my STBXWW and my XWW. STBX pursued current OM#2, he would not have initiated as he wasn't interested after seeing her ring. She took it off and pursued him. Rest is history.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H would probably say it was 50/50, but her actions were totally that of someone trying to catch someone's eye. He also doesn't like to shirk responsibility for his actions for acting like he was 'played.' But, she also had an admitted crush on him "for years," which he did not have in reverse. She started taking all the early morning workout classes he was in, (tracked his activity on the gym log-in system) started exercising excessively to gain his attention, always tried to prolong email correspondence with him. . .wouldn't stop emailing when he broke it off with her (before the EA went PA) arranged the first kiss and the first sexual encounter, at her house.

So, my husband was not victim, and he sent the email that kicked the whole thing off, and was the first to admit "feelings," but I see her as more the pursuer, for sure. She did it in a passive and cagey way though, and my husband is much more direct. So, I think he felt like he was more in control than he was.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing as he set up the log ins, and actually logged in, I'd say it was him. I don't really give a fuck who sent the first email/initiated the first PM/requested the other's email address. He went on there looking for someone.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 616 | Registered: May 2014
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe it was 50/50. He says it just kind of happened. They both started crossing lines gradually until they were at the point of sexting and I love yous. Ugh.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Apr 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and his OW met on a "married but looking" chat site. They both entered in with the intent of a ONS, then decided to keep it going. For 7 years. FML.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
niaveone
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I thought she pursued him, but now I realize all she did was give him her cell number and he took the bait really quickly. :( I even asked him if she flirted with him prior to her giving him the phone number and he said "no". She gave it to him for *business purposes* outside of regular office hours, however....that was her MO to take it to the next level with guys she met through work. fWH didn't know that at the time though.

It was a tough pill to swallow to not blame her for taking it to the next level.

That being said, she did make herself out to be something other than what she really was to keep his interest and take it to the next level.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 264 | Registered: Aug 2013
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My understanding from Dday is that STBXWW initiated it, and told OM that things were done between us in order to get the ball rolling. She says that she made this choice 'so that she would have to leave'.

What I can't quite figure out is why - if she wanted to leave - she (1) didn't immediately rush home to tell me that she'd banged OM the night or day after that happened and (2) kept on coming home until Dday, which was ten months later.

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But then nothing about this makes sense or is consistent, and I find myself giving less of a shit about the truth of it every day.


Sums it up nicely, Forged


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In retrospect it doesn't really matter, but I think he initially approached her and she was very receptive. Apparently she was frustrated about the fact that our roof had leaked the previous weekend and was telling everybody who would listen at work that our marriage was over and he took that as an invitation to make his move.

She was 100% receptive and she never looked back, moving in with him a week and a half after their first conversation.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure. I did ask him once, and he said that she pursued him. However, I know my ex - he can give off a very "don't fuck with me" vibe when he wants to. I have also seen the very charming, flirty personality he can turn on. So my guess is he was doing something to give off signs that he was open to it.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2264 | Registered: Feb 2010
MissedRedFlags
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say my WH was the pursuer. My WH had known his AP for some years---had actually introduced her to me at least 5 years before the start of the A, telling me that "we had so much in common." Yuck.

They are both attorneys and attended many Bar Association functions. My WH says that he saw her in a tight dress for the first time and got aroused ( she normally wore pant suits) and they were on a Law Week committee together and started flirting with each other. It started from there. Exchange of flirty texts and emails, then happy hours ( where he called her to invite her), then a date at a local bar where they kissed for the first time ( he says after the kiss on the dance floor she walked away to the restroom and his first thought was, "she's going to tell my wife." ( not What am I doing!)then lunch where they left the restaurant to...well, you know, for the first time.


Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS went looking for thrills, excitement. He hooked up on a web site and spent many weeks looking for someone wih similar interests who would "play" with a married man. It seems he didn't have that much trouble finding a couple who were willing.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He pursued. That was part of the thrill.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
trustedg
♀ Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm - even if the WS was persued the WS made the decision to follow through. My H was approached by a "friend" of mine, he was freind's with her H. He didn't think he was getting enough sex so decided to take her up on it. He told her it was just sex, figured no one would get hurt as long as it was kept secret but when he went to break it off she decided I needed to know about it and started dropping hints.

BS
DD 12/12


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DD#1)
DDay 12/2012
Married 41 years, in R

Posts: 270 | Registered: Aug 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my husbands father died he went strolling down memory lane....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 642 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He pursued my WW totally. My wife was always the friendly type and thought nothing of being friends with guys. Not that it makes my wife innocent. She let it happen and as I told her, nothing he could have done short of putting a gun to her head could have forced her to sleep with him. That was her doing. The POS pursued her like she was prey. Not a day went by that he wasn't contacting her telling her how beautiful she was, how wonderful she was and how depressed he was because he couldn't be with her. I remember seeing text whereby she would tell him how much she liked hearing what he was telling her. Like an idiot, she fell hook line and sinker.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 144 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His 1st - he was pursued
His 2nd- he was the pursuer.
Still irritating and one of the reasons I can't forgive the 2nd.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5345 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deanna:

My wayward spouse, when asked, claimed it was 50/50.

But when I had a computer expert resurrect the deleted emails and texts, it was very clear that the OW was the pursuer.

Based on the conversations between them, from the outset, it was clear that my wayward would have been content with meeting for coffee to chat.

But his OW, a very experienced serial cheater who was advising how to cheat without getting caught, wanted more and was very pushy about it.

He even mentioned to her that he was not looking for an affair several times.

She however pushed and pushed for dinner dates, then when she insisted that she wanted him sexually, I saw in the emails and texts that he tried to break it off several times, she started sending porn videos of herself to him.

She pushed for sex for a long time before he agreed to it. He was still wrong, but i do think had she not pushed he may have been content with meeting for coffee and ego strokes.

Later, when caught and I finally alerted her husband because she continued to stalk him and me, and to attempt to contact my wayward, she lied to her husband claiming, my husband had a crush on her, and SHE JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS.

She insisted there was no sex.

When I showed the OWs husband the emails and text and the porn video, he finally woke up.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 76
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