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Newest Member: AnnieRie (45453)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: defiant and rebellious
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Stop  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing some further digging to understand why I made the decisions that I made and also to understand some of my ambivalence toward my BH.

I feel defiant. I don't like being told what to do, and I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do, and I didn't really develop my own identity. I am a very compliant, non-confrontational person, but I really resent being told how I should think or feel. I am getting so much pressure to do what's right. I know what I should do, but I want to own my decisions. I think some of this is the source of my anger.

Anyway, I'm still digging and working on this. My poor BH is in a living hell right now. I know that I put him there and I want to help him out, even if it means our marriage doesn't survive. I really do want him to be strong.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is great progress. Now.....WHY do you feel that way? Where did it start?


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 747 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do

One of the first things my IC told me was that I need to learn that my wants and desires are legitimate and that I should make them known. I spent a lot of time thinking that speaking up would cause conflict, and I would do anything to avoid conflict.

You have to be mindful of your feelings. maybe you are right, maybe not. But if you swallow them, then you will try to find other outlets.

Hang in there


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this same situation so I'm treading lightly on what I will and will not do to help BS heal from my A. My H had a lot of control issues prior to my A that I would tolerate due to my lack of assertiveness.
My IC told me to work on how I'm feeling. This helped:
I feel _____________ because/when ___________. I would really like for you to __________.

I use it with my kids more than my BH but it does help me identify how I am feeling. So for example I'll say to my son.

I feel really proud when you are able to get dressed and ready for school by yourself. I'd really like for you to continue such wonderful behavior.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like being told what to do

What age did this start for you and does your H tell you what to do or does he often just implement change without your input?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure this started at a young age. My parents are both overbearing and they still like to tell me what to do, and I still go about trying to please them. :(

My husband doesn't so much tell me what to do. He just makes unilateral decisions without considering my input. He has shown over and over that my thoughts and feelings and wants were not welcome. Every major decision has been his way, and that pisses me off. He is extremely protective, and I think he views me as his property, like he needs to take care of me and provide for me in a way that I belong to him, rather than as his equal partner. He is patronizing and condescending.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents are both overbearing and they still like to tell me what to do, and I still go about trying to please them. :(
My husband doesn't so much tell me what to do. He just makes unilateral decisions without considering my input. He has shown over and over that my thoughts and feelings and wants were not welcome. Every major decision has been his way, and that pisses me off. He is extremely protective, and I think he views me as his property, like he needs to take care of me and provide for me in a way that I belong to him,

Do you see the similarities in your two statements there?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel defiant. I don't like being told what to do, and I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do, and I didn't really develop my own identity. I am a very compliant, non-confrontational person, but I really resent being told how I should think or feel. I am getting so much pressure to do what's right. I know what I should do, but I want to own my decisions. I think some of this is the source of my anger.

I could have written this exact post over the weekend. My As were a way for me to act out. They were a way for me to try on a "different" person (me being the different person I was trying).

What are your plans for bringing the two halves together? How will you start to speak out for yourself?


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired girl,

I definitely see the similarities in the way I relate to my husband and parents. I see where I let others make choices for me rather than owning my own decisions. One of my issues is that I rarely have a clear idea of what I want.

Wayflost,

Those are both good questions. It's hard because I have a duty to my BH, and if I want to help him heal, I have to put his needs ahead of my own. Sadly, that is part of what got me into this mess. I am really trying to be honest with my BH without being cruel. I am also being proactive about my self care. For example, I went on a jog this evening while BH made dinner for our daughter.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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