"BW and I were feeling amorous". I use BW here like a casual nickname; something to protect our identities. Yeah, I was chatting with BW and blah blah blah. Except that, when you really wrap your head around it, you realize that it stands for betrayed wife. Because I betrayed my wife. Because I lied and was a coward and wanted dirty taboo sex. Who do I think I am being generally euphoric about our progress? I know self-pity and despair and smothering my poor wife won't solve anything.
I don't need to tell any of you how hard it can be being both the destroyer and the healer. We're all in the same boat. I feel so icky. People know who I barely know, looking at me, judging me.
Sometimes I really feel like I have a big red A on my back.
I don't want her to feel that things are too boring or normal
Curious as to your thought behind this. most BS just want to get back to a normal.
Great progress. Keep hanging in there. Keep digging. Keep reflecting. Keep posting.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Decorate the house for her one of these days. give it a theme. put some effort into it. your DS can help. do something fantastic and for no reason besides that you care.
just a thought
hihn is so right that there is intimacy in all the little things and you should be thankful every day that you get to share those little things with her. I hurt my wife so deeply that some days it seems like everything is a trigger. Even the little things can bring tears and anger (taking pictures at our daughter's black-belt test this weekend for example). And sometimes it is all I can do not to get exasperated and defensive (and I do not always succeed).
It takes time, yes, but so much more than that. You have work and commit to being a better man every single day. If you merely let time pass without truly working at healing you will very likely find yourself looking wistfully back at these 'boring' days and wondering where they went.
I apologize if I seem like a downer but coasting back into the same old routine seems to me
1) a potentially dangerous repetition of history and
2) something like whistling in the dark
You know that anything better than "quickly going backwards" is a win right now.
Keep it up. Be mindful of you and your BWs feelings. Hang in there
I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.
In the case of me and my BW I used a tool that I previously used against her (my motorcycle) and completely changed my view of it and included her in it. While our DD was away with GP's for the summer, I planned a bike trip to a different location every weekend. She had never ridden a motorcycle before and was terrified of them, plus I unfortunately used me going to bike nights with said motorcycle to meet the OW. She over came her fear of riding and we visited some truly great places in the area, and made some new "good" memories.
While things still could be a little better now, they are much better than then, and she still says to me that she credits me taking her on those trips saved us and helped to do a good bit of healing for both of us.
[This message edited by Iwastheworst at 3:02 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]
In any case, the problem is not ideas for doing things out of the norm, the problem is her being ready or comfortable to actually do them. In the meantime if she's content to always be at home when she's not at work (aside from shopping or getting her nails done, or the occasional girls night), then that's what I have to live with. Not unreasonable after 4 months.