WW read the how to help your spouse heal after your affair book by LINDA MacDonald. She seemed to sort of be getting it, but maybe she was just following the steps laid out in the book for cheaters to reconcile. She gave up some passwords, switched her job as soon as she could, blocked the om email and phone numbers. All good stuff and meant a ton to me. That was in late April. She's since gotten a new job, but has not offered up access or passwords to new computer, phone and ipad. I don't feel like this is something I need to ask for, but apparently I'll have to. She never asks me how I'm doing, even though that was something the book was big on, and I've asked her to do it. She finally went to counseling...once. She had to cancel her second appointment because of a work trip, but hasn't scheduled a new one. and she has lots of free time to do it. She's dragging her feet on giving me access to log into her citibank credit card--she's inexplicably behind on payments, and didn't even know what her balance was until I saw it in an email in a mail account she gave me access to. At least, she acted like she didn't know, but I know that she read the emails. Slightly suspicious...
The thing that is the straw the broke the camels back of getting me back on this SI is that the OM tried contacting her through the email account that I have access to, but she deleted them before I (she thought) I could read them. Our agreement was that nothing was to be hidden in her interactions with him. So I waited a day to see if she would mention it. She didn't. He emailed again a week or so later. Same result on her end. I read the emails. They were harmless "how are you?" type stuff, but we all know that this stuff seems harmless at first. Regardless, it's coming from the guy who played a big part in nearly destroying our marriage.
I confront her about it and reiterate that she needs to tell me about any communication or contact with him. Don't ever try to hide it. She denies hiding it, saying that I have access and see everything in that mail account. Which is BS, of course, since if she deletes it as soon as she sees it, there a strong chance I won't see it. Not like I'm on 24 hr surveillance. She doesn't apologize. In fact, she snarkily mentions how she doesn't know if she could be more open than she is already, since I have full access to the account.
I really do think she doesn't want any contact with the guy. But her actions are not the actions of someone that knows how to take responsibility when she screws up. She does not make me feel safe. She basically said that unless I catch it, then I'm not going to know about it. And she's apparently done with voluntarily offering up anymore access to her other modes of communication.
Things were getting better, but a relationship like this is not tenable in the long term. I'm ready to just get us both into mc, because she obviously has no initiative to work on herself. She really needs someone to tell her how stubborn and dishonest she's been, unvarnished. It doesn't work coming from me. She just claims I'm being judgmental when I tell her I need to know the whole truth. Argh! So messed up...
you WW is clearly still hiding, possibly still in A just underground. But at the minimum, she doesn't get it. and she is not remorseful. I am sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like she has done what she feels is enough. So she is still in wayward thinking. She is still deciding what is best for you.
I could not imagine being snarky with my BS about being more open. My BS has had a spreadsheet of all of my accounts since the first month after dday. anytime I have to change a password I give an updated copy.
I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
One false move and you're done. Goodbye.
With an attitude like that it's unlikely she'll reform. Don't let her destroy you with her wayward shit.
This probably sounds extreme but she really hasn't shown you jack shit towards saving your M.
[This message edited by mhca at 2:51 PM, August 11th (Monday)]
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
but a relationship like this is not tenable in the long term
I don't know that your wife has taken the
A underground or if its more a case of FOO that she has not dealt with. When its not dealt with, you see it rear its ugly head time and again.
Case in point, my H and I exploded back in May when he smoked pot at home and then tried to hide it from me. I KNEW he was lying and I caught him. he said he didn't tell me bc he thought, "who is this hurting?" I explained that this was the VERY same mind set he had during the A and that I simply cannot take any more deception. He is a conflict avoider and clearly with the Who will this hurt comment, has some entitlement issues.
She finally went to counseling...once. She had to cancel her second appointment because of a work trip, but hasn't scheduled a new one. and she has lots of free time to do
Let your wife know you were thinking of MC but you know that this issue resides on her end - not yours - you are doing your very best to trust but she has broken it - again. Therefore, a High Cost Behaviour - as noted in After the Affair by Janis A Spring, would be for her to attend IC. Immediately. What other HCB's coul
I just don't see this as a MC thing but a FOO thing.
And you are right - its not tenable in the long run. You have survived the worst of the A but the continued deception hurts. Share that pain with her and do not back down on what you need from her.
Let your wife know you were thinking of MC but you know that this issue resides on her end - not yours - you are doing your very best to trust but she has broken it - again. Therefore, a High Cost Behaviour - as noted in After the Affair by Janis A Spring, would be for her to attend IC. Immediately. What other HCB's could she perform? Asking how you are is certainly a very basic request.
[This message edited by LA44 at 3:00 PM, August 11th (Monday)]
I think you're right that it's a FOO issue, something she has to deal with on her own. She exhibits strange strange behavior concerning self-care, though. Take the credit card bill, for instance. And she tends to just let things go--let moving boxes stay in one place for months without opening them, or not go for her follow-up checkup EVER with her OBGYN after she had our daughter (now 20 months), to name a few examples. And if I remind her to make an appointment, or offer to help with the boxes, she goes all quiet treatment passive-aggressive on me. Yeah, an IC thing for sure.
I think that bottom line she doesn't want to be seen as someone that doesn't have it all together, and then gets bent out of shape if someone brings attention to any of her shortcomings. She says that she can't talk with me about her past because I will judge her. Well, I might if it is something she has lied to me about! Of course, for her, if I get upset with her because of her actions, then I'm being judgmental. Well, YES! No excuse for hiding the truth from me.
If anyone is familiar with BPD, this is what my counselor says that I might be dealing with. I've gotten the gaslighting and shame forced on me. Before I found out about everything, she would make me feel so bad about "not trusting" her because something didn't seem right in her behavior. Oh oh, like the time I questioned why she didn't get a different hotel when her lodgings fell through on a business trip, instead staying for a week at the OM's house! She claims nothing happened, and I think I might have issues myself for half believing her. At the time, she made me feel like the worst husband in the world for not trusting her, even after I told her that it didn't look very good for her to her co-workers.
Maybe that gives you insight into who I'm dealing with. Bottom line: This is a woman who cropped me out of our wedding photos as soon as we got them back (about a month after the nuptials) and then sent them to the OM as a sort of "see what you could have had" or maybe "see what you could still have". Yeah. And she didn't see the need to get into IC right away...