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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2 yrs and I'm still thinking....
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been recovering for 2 years. Things have been going in the right direction but..... I just can't get over he went onto a "married but looking" website, made a profile, started talking & meeting strange women!! His goal was to have sex! This just kills me. I just don't get it.

Please, please Help me wrap my head around they type of person that does that!!!! There are some days I can accept he did that but then like today...I just can't get past it

I have understanding of how people that work together and friendships can turn into affairs but not someone that just signs up on a website.


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2012
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard for any of us to wrap our head around this stuff!!! I know exactly what you mean...I never saw it coming at all....
I am thankful for my job.....total distraction!
try to turn off the noise in your head....
Focus on forward motion.....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 516 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like a side of a person that sticks its ugly face and does serious damage. We all have some sort of dark side, but to let it go loose....you gotta be broken inside or something.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad81712 -

Sorry you're here. My WH went on Ashley Madison. He has deep emotional issues that I wasn't aware of (FOO, feeling like a failure, emotional abuse as a child) to where when he created his profile, all he was thinking about was living in a fantasy world. The funny thing is, he tried to contact several people and only really spoke with 2 (one being the woman who ended up being OW). He is an extremely broken man. I couldn't wrap my head around this either knowing it was a place specifically to look for affairs, but I am starting to really believe that he WASN'T thinking about me at all, he was just selfish in trying to numb his own pain. You have to know that this wasn't about you. Has he really dug for his "WHY" to figure out why he did this and why that was his outlet?


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2014
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefull77, you're right about turing off the noise in my head. And I didn't see it coming and had no idea anything was going on or wrong with our M. I think I'm still in the place of if I "forget" it may sneak up on me again...even tho I trust him now....it sounds like such a contradiction. Maybe it's what happens in the 2 yr "stage" of healing.

2married2quit, you're right too. He is soooo broken and has a lot of FOO issues.....also has a hard time with empathy and entitlement. Maybe I just answered my own question. But why why didn't I see this throughout our 20 year marriage?? Maybe that is the real issue I need to address. There is so much work to do


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2012
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi notanavrageangle, Same with my fwh....was on Ashley Madison too. He also was emotionally abused and had failure issues because of FOO. He is just now understanding / believing this. I know it's all about him even tho 2 yrs ago he tried to blame me. It has taken 2 years to understand this and has started IC.
BTW- he signed up on AM when the business he start was going through big changes invoking a lot of stress and failure feelings. It was his escape.


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2012
Persevere19
♀ New Member
Member # 41634
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea in our 27 years never saw it coming. My WS had random Ashley Madison A's and one LTA for a year and a half. The last girl he met on line and they chatted then sent pictures, then he had a 4 day long sex fest with her. Then was caught. He told this girl he was married but was working on that and wanted to save his relationship with his children. He said he lied to her told her he loved her. He said he would say and do anything for sex and yet he always loved me. A broken person, a sex addict behaves this way. They only stop when. Caught and forced to make a choice to work on the marriage in IC and MC. There is no wrapping our minds around this stuff because they are psychotic. They are sick people who need help. Your WS has chosen to work on healing and your marriage. Hold them to the fire, but rest in the fact that we may never understand because it doesn't make sense. Good job on 2 yrs!!! You must be an incredible friend and person to offer R. Cheers!


BW-47had no idea
WH-50, too many PA, porn, Web cam, one 1 1/2 year LTA with co-worker
Married-26 yrs in a fake marriage
D-day Sept 16,13 and still continues to dribble out because he doesn't even remember all that he's done!
3 kids - 24,23,19

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Mountain time
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad81712 - I am so sorry its been taking him so long to figure out his "why" I am fortunate I guess in a way because my WH figured his out in his first IC (he had been in IC prior to the affair, but never got very deep, but luckily his IC knew his previous issues and was able to establish a pattern.

What happened is what his IC calls a "perfect storm". He was alread suffering from anxiety and panic disorder. He is still in school working on his BA, so he feels a failure in that way since we are 28, and I got my BA 5 years ago. He compares himself to me all the time, but school is much more difficult for some. He also was in a dead end job that he absolutely hated going to and was working full time, in school full time. He cut back on hours at work to reduce stress but then that caused financial stress, and he didn't like relying on me as the breadwinner. Then in the midst of all this, his IC went on maternity leave for 3 months. He started his AM account right before she left for maternity leave, but didn't meat OW until after the maternity leave had already started. This was kind of a tough relization for us both, because its hard not to wonder "what if" he had mentioned it to his IC, but then I think he may have just been so far down the "rabbit hole" at that point that he would have done it anyway. No way to know, so I try not to torture myself.

I understand the way you are feeling, and maybe because its taken a while to find his "why" that is why you're still suffering. It seems to me like he was searching for something to fill a void in himself (like my WH) and it potentially could have ended up in some other "void filling" activity like drug or alcohol abuse. Thats what my WH IC said to him anyway. I "luckily" caught him before he could do more destruction, but its still definitely a struggle everyday. I hope any of my words can help provide some kind of relief. I know it's hard to come by!


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was shocked to find my long-time partner went on Eharmony, when we were travelling and I suddenly became busy with freelance work that was difficult to turn down at the time. He said he was 'bored' and just wanted to talk to someone. He met that 'someone' when we got back and had a short-term affair.
I really never, never, thought he would do that, in a million years. I thought we were strong.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad81712 - There's certain brokeness deep down inside in people that you may never suspect it's there. It's not your doing or fault. My FWW was sexually abused as a child. She carried this inside forever without letting anyone know. How was I suppose to know she was unhappy inside?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Support1107
♀ New Member
Member # 42679
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't wrap my head around the online crap either. My H went on numerous free websites and some were just sick and mostly scams. Back in January, I was in a dark place from everything and in an attempt to understand, I made an account on POF. I needed to know what the draw was. I didn't put a picture out there, I just said that I was bored and looking for something discrete. I was SHOCKED at the amount of married men that replied. Only my IC knows that I did this. There were so many fireman which I thought odd, but I couldn't believe it because I didn't even put a picture out there. They were open about their marital status too saying stupid crap like it's cheaper to keep her blah blah blah. I deleted the dumb account and came to realize that these people have serious issues as does my H.

The thing that I really don't get is how they claim to love their families and children yet they are out on crazy websites putting the people they love at risk, it just doesn't make sense. So I've come to accept that I will never make sense of it because it's just nonsense...plain & simple nonsense. My H is working on his issues but I already know his why but I haven't told him because he has to figure it out. I know that sounds strange but he was on all kinds of prescription drugs which completely pissed me off so I completely disengaged and he basically lost every relationship in his life because at the same time he became a hermit. He felt like a complete failure in every aspect of his life and to be honest, he really was during this time period at least in my eyes so he made these accounts and could be anybody else but himself. He was able to portray himself as a completely different person and the other idiots on these sites do the same. The online thing allows them to escape their reality and be whoever they want so I think that is what draws them in. Unfortunately when reality catches up with them, it's just too late.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay:9/13/13 online crap
DDay:10/8/13 called crazy B*t@!
2 kids

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Support1107 - There's no simple explanation. I'm not going to get on my high horse here and say that men are pigs. Well, some are, but for the most part, people get bored. People start wondering. The marriage goes through a transition and we're not getting what we need out of it anymore. Add to that any issues we may have. However, us in here know the repercussions of an affair. Our eyes are now OPEN to how we can deal with the marriage rut. Either you fight for it and build it up or you throw the towel and everyone's on the same page.

My "friend" (the OM), had an affair prior to messing around with my FWW. You would think he would know the signs. Some just don't get it. His BS forgave him once again.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its like a good quote I saw recently.

"Once someone shows you who they really are believe them".

My WW has this odd idea that R is possible despite all the things she has done to me including having men in our home for sex. The idea of it I cannot even comprehend, much less to do it.

That's the thing my dear. You cannot deal with it because you cannot imagine yourself ever doing it and yet you HAVE to deal with the fact that your WH did do those things and wanted to have a private dirty sinful life behind your back while you cooked, cleaned, took care of children, worked your job, planned your vacations...all that, whatever you did. You were supposed to keep doing it and keep begin faithful to him why he went out has got his "jollys" ... I CALL BULL SHIT.

I'm sure he is still the hansome and providing man you married, but seriously, the kinds of men that do this and get away with it...there is a serious problem and its not just about sex, its about safety and trust. What else is he thinking about? Who knows.

Best of luck.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 411 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the thing my dear. You cannot deal with it because you cannot imagine yourself ever doing it and yet you HAVE to deal with the fact that your WH did


I think this is the knife right in your heart part. Yes, I flirted a bit and it was wrong. But to go ahead and allow yourself to have a full on affair with another married person behind your husband's back? WTF? I can NOT imagine me doing this behind my wife's back. However, I will say that I will never say never because I NEVER thought my FWW would do this. She agrees. She sometimes feels like it was some sort of nightmare.

I tell ya, when people know that your marriage is on the rocks, people come out of the woodworks. It's like, "hey..you're unhappy? I am too, let's hook up". How the HELL am I suppose to do what was done to me to someone else? It's inconceivable. This pain I do not wish it upon anyone.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone....It's so hard to wrap your head around such sickness. It has helped (in a sad way) to know I'm not the only one who has to live with this mess. I'm so sorry you all have lived this pain too.


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad81712 - 2yrs and I am still thinking too.

Hugs.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop trying to make sense out of senselessness. It will drive you crazy. We are 2.5 years post and a couple months ago I let go of the digging and reasoning. I have been better ever since. I grieved and accepted that I married someone who did not view marriage or love me as I loved him.

I spent months unable to sleep, crying, and lying in a pile on the floor. One day II decided it had to stop. I stopped the madness and went to expensive grief counselling because when all was said and done I endured a severe trauma and a loss. I came to terms with losing my marriage and someone I loved (we are still together).

Today we get along well and have lots of fun with our kids but things have changed. I no longer take care of him or cater to him, I don't wear my wedding rings, I never say I love you or anything of the sort. I put myself first, spend time doing what I want and don't worry about him. In a lot of ways it's been very liberating. The shock is gone and I'm happy to report I haven't cried in over 6 weeks!!

I spend the days examining what IS left! Our family/friends still get to enjoy both of us and our kids whenever they want. We keep our home and cars and our children remain unscathed. This is a hefty list of valuable for me to "settle" for!!


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today we get along well and have lots of fun with our kids but things have changed. I no longer take care of him or cater to him, I don't wear my wedding rings, I never say I love you or anything of the sort. I put myself first, spend time doing what I want and don't worry about him. In a lot of ways it's been very liberating. The shock is gone and I'm happy to report I haven't cried in over 6 weeks!!

I would say this is exactly where I'm at. I do get some anxieties from time to time. I do decide to stalk OM on FB from time to time and I hadn't cried in a long time, but broke down Monday on my drive home. Oh well, it was long over due.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sad81712
♀ New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((2married2quit))))

I feel your pain. I don't write on here often b/c I don't feel qualified to give advice and have a hard time expressing my feelings in writing..... but, I've followed your story. Our Ddays are very close and we've both been married for long 20some years. We have a lot of history with our spouses. But, you where betrayed by two people! That's a lot of shit to work through.
I hope your long over due cry helped. Those always seem to help me.

Some things I've experienced in year 2: apathy, more self care, enjoyment of my kids & life, frustration, understanding, stronger love and hate for my fwh. My list could go on but not sure if it means anything to anyone.

I wish there was a playbook to follow for each stage of surviving infidelity. There is a lot to read when you first discover it but not on what you go through during year 2.... or what year 3 will bring......


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2012
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad81712 and 2married2quit...

I also share your d-days May 2012. Sounds like we are all on the same page at 2+ years out. That's why I chose apathetic for my name. There are no highs or lows now, just indifference.

I won't leave, terrified of divorce. But though I'm present things are quite vacant.

Best to you both!!


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2014
Topic Posts: 22
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