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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I just scared of letting go?
AmSoDone
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been feeling really down for the last few weeks. I hate to admit that it may be because he hasnít been calling or texting as much. Am I taking even his pathetic self-pitying texts as a sign that he is still invested in some way? Am I scared that my NC is working in his favour? I am hurting now more than ever. I actually missed him this weekend Ė whatís up with that? It's like all the anger that has been keeping me going for the last 6 months has evaporated and I am just a weeping mess.

I had to seriously remind myself what the reality is here. Itís like Iím forgetting that he left me, heís with someone else and he has not once, since he left, expressed any interest in reconciling. Yes, he says he misses me and heís sorry but thatís just empty words. Why canít I get that through my head?

He left 6 months ago and I donít understand why I am feeling so bad now. I know I donít miss the person that left me. I miss the beautiful man who loved me, who wanted me, who was funny and sexy and looked at me in that way that melted my insides. Not the miserable, moody, non-sexual, blame shifting arse that I lived with for 2 years or the lying, cheating scumbag that left me. I saw signs of him when we were getting back together but maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. I think that man has been gone a long time, just a pretender in his place. So why do I give a shit?

I know my self-esteem had completely nose-dived. There was never much there to begin with but the whole no sex with me thing, then to go off to another woman has pretty much shattered me. But I thought I had gotten past the acceptance stage, I know we are done and have been pretty strong in my responses to him and I meant it. So why am I feeling so weak and vulnerable now?

I had my initial IC session last week. We just discussed what brought me there etc. etc. I was glad to get it started but unfortunately I canít make another apt for the next 2 weeks. Work is extremely busy this time of year so I canít commit to a specific time. Roll on 2 weeks Ė I really need to come to terms with this.


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Frustrated  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you're scared of letting go... who wouldn't be? I certainly was. But no remorse, still with someone else... work with your counsellor on letting go of this. Feelings do change. Believe that life can be better and if you need some inspirational music, listen to 'After the storm' by Mumford and Sons... it was a game-changer for me. There is life after this, there really is. Let go of the pain.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I taking even his pathetic self-pitying texts as a sign that he is still invested in some way? Am I scared that my NC is working in his favour?

You are missing the spouse you loved and who loved you. There is nothing wrong with this and it is expected. I think we here have all done this and it is a part of healing from the bomb of what has happened. NC sucks. It sucks but it is also so very needed in order to move on from the toxic people our xww's have become. It is hard when the anger subsides and the sadness of what you lost hits. Anger sometimes makes the reality of the pain they caused easier to deal with.

had to seriously remind myself what the reality is here. Itís like Iím forgetting that he left me, heís with someone else and he has not once, since he left, expressed any interest in reconciling. Yes, he says he misses me and heís sorry but thatís just empty words. Why canít I get that through my head?

Isn't that the pits!?!?! We have to REMIND ourselves of the horrible person our once beautiful spouse became. We have to remind our hearts of the reality that it's been broken by a very screwed up person. It's a cruel thing these people have done. You give a shit because you CARE and deep down you still love the person you gave your heart to. I think we will always care in a way maybe. But caring does't mean we have to continue allowing these people to be the cancer to our lives that they are. You said it perfectly, "i think that man has been gone a long time, just a pretender in his place." You know the truth as many of us do and many more are still trying to grapple with. The person we loved and were loved by is gone. What's left is nothing more than a liar, cruel, and pretender.

Regarding your self-esteem. I struggle with this myself. I don't know what to say. There is no easy way around this. What your spouse did, and how they did it, left a really damaging affect on you. It leaves you feeling naked and exposed - ugly and unwanted. All of this isn't true and you know it, and I know it. The only thing that is helping me now is to work on me and improve me. There's no easy way around this.

IC for 2 weeks at a time isn't a bad thing. For me, and when we went to 2 weeks and then 3 weeks it was rough at first. I wanted that guidance, that voice to remind me of reality and help me navigate through all the bullshit. But I soon noticed it gave me ample time to process everything. Time to work on it alone and figure things out. I don't know if this give you any comfort.

Coming to terms... you know, something I have realized, this is some really messed up stuff our spouses stuck us in. I am talking seriously fawked up and down right cruel. You often hear their actions have nothing to do with us. But in reality, they have everything to do with us because we are the ones left holding all the luggage of pain and destruction. Coming to terms with it all is unfortunately a difficult and long road. If you are like me, you were not built for such betrayal and carelessness. It is a very hard thing to come to terms with - the fact your spouse turned out to be such a monster, such a hurtful and immature person. You sound like you are well on your way. I don't know your story that much and the fact it isn't in your profile may mean that wound is still very fresh. Just know you are certainly not alone. And you never deserved this.

(((AmSoDone)))

[This message edited by justme1264 at 5:17 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


Me = BS
Her = FWW
In R

Posts: 409 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
AmSoDone
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Crazy & Just. I know this is all part of the horrible roller-coaster that I didn't want to get on in the first-place. I thought I had managed to escape this part of it. Just fooling myself, I guess. It's terrible because I read it here, been through it before and still I get confused and feel blind-sided when it happens.

I'm just hanging on waiting for a calm patch again.


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The counselling will help massively - as long as you've found a good one. And you're through the hardest bit now... the first few months are true hell. Work on being kind to yourself now and just putting one foot in front of the other. Time will do the rest as long as you are really focussed on letting go of this. Who knows what happiness lies in your future? Nothing hurts the self-image more than infidelity and abandonment... I know this too. But your image of yourself right now is a reflection of this painful stage in your life. I hope and wish all the best for you - you sound like a lovely person who has had the worst betrayal. Everyone here knows how brutally crushing that feels... but there will come a time when it's 'something that happened' rather than 'something that's happening' and that will help.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 5

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