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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Comparing the marriage before the A
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our perspective of what the pre-A marriage was does and doesn't line up in some ways. But no, neither of us thought it was perfect. I was happy and content in it, despite the issues. I knew we were having issues, but I thought they were minor, temporary, situational. That my husband seemed happy - albeit a bit distant - when he was home definitely fed into that kind of thinking.

I never thought my husband was perfect. But I loved all of him.


This sums it up well for me. I wish he had as much love and respect for himself as I did for him.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2013
isthismynewlife
♀ Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate this thread so much. I am not good at putting my thoughts/feelings into words but so many on here are expressing my thoughts perfectly.
So our perspective of what the pre-A marriage was does and doesn't line up in some ways. But no, neither of us thought it was perfect. I was happy and content in it, despite the issues. I knew we were having issues, but I thought they were minor, temporary, situational. That my husband seemed happy - albeit a bit distant - when he was home definitely fed into that kind of thinking.
I never thought my husband was perfect. But I loved all of him.

This was exactly what I was feeling about our M during his A. Obviously I was wrong.

[This message edited by isthismynewlife at 2:27 PM, August 13th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA/EA? He thought the first version would hurt me less.
Everyday is a struggle.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH has expressed this utopian view as well. He has told me things that he never, ever told me pre-dday, that I was his best friend, his trusted advisor, his partner, his soulmate and on and on. I never, ever felt that closeness. I am shocked that he felt that close to me. :(

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2014
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Herkemeyer,

Frankly, women want to be put on a pedestal.

Please do not speak for others. Making generalizations is against site guidelines.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not think utopian is the right word for what your BH feels he has lost.

I think it is just the loss of a simple dream: that at age 75 or whatever, a man can look at his wife and know that she was faithful.

That the commitment itself meant something. That is not utopian. It is just true romanticism.

...that through thick and thin and ups and downs, your wife gave herself only to you. That she did not seek out some type of phoney joy at the end of another man's penis.

So when the dream is gone, it's tough to be a romantic about things. No more green light for the Great Gatsby. See part of getting through the tough times is believing in something.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, women want to be put on a pedestal.
Please don't speak for all women, especially when you aren't one. Now, speaking for MYSELF, no, I do NOT want to be put on a pedestal. I would rather be an equal.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5939 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
apathetic1
♀ Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry but I have to add my 2 cents about the pedestal. My husband too was on a pedestal placed there by me. Of all the billions of men in the world I chose him! I put him on a pedestal because that is where the most cherished person in your world should be. I too thought our marriage was special, it was because we are 2 unique individuals and we found each other. Being placed on a pedestal is easy, staying there is another. My husband fell off and will never be placed there again. If he didn't want to be placed on a pedestal he shouldn't have "rose there" through promises and vows he couldn't keep.

Our marriage was very good, I thought we were happy. Looking back I recognize he felt disconnected and uncared for and I can now see my mistakes and how he came to those conclusions.

What I can't see and never will see is why he didn't behave like a grown up and approach me about his thoughts, feelings , insecurities and disappointments.

I shouldn't judge but when you talk about your marriage, the pedestal and how it wasn't that special I get the feeling the two of you had different thoughts about the marriage.


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2014
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I didn't view my marriage as perfect prior to D-Day. I didn't think it was as bad as my WH viewed it.

We didn't talk about meaningful stuff. Still have issues with that sometimes.

Neither one of us was meeting the needs of the other one.

Good luck with your BH. You don't need to have a perfect marriage, just a functional and loving one.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissesJai,

The issue has already been addressed by the moderators.

MissesJai, Apathetic1,

Let's stick to the topic and support the original poster without getting off track.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - just rubbed me the wrong way.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5939 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Ephimera
♀ New Member
Member # 43294
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may be t/j, but part of me feels like this test is going to make our M stronger.

This seriously annoys me everytime I hear someone say it. And so far it is only some WSs who have this opinion.

Yes, the marriage could be more open after an A since those who put in the effort to R will open communication channels.

But do you have any idea what it does to a BS?

Do you think anyone should have to pay that price when a WS could have simply voiced their discontent and tried to talk instead of going out and having an affair, and scarring their BS for life?


Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:10 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ephimera...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197976 | Registered: May 2002
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were living together in a rental and looking to buy when I cheated one time. It was once too many. I knew right away it was the worst mistake/choice I had ever made. We were stressed with blended family issues, FOO, and other issues. She had confidence that we would work through it. I cheated and felt like we would never work through it. I remember thinking that we were going to be done and she was going to leave me, so cheat and prepare myself for when she leaves. It was sick. Now I am trying to fix me and she is broken horribly. It was better before I cheated than now. However, I will keep trying.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with an affair is directly related to the person that is betrayed in my opinion. The more idealistic and sensitive the Betrayed is, the more damage the affair will make and the harder "getting over it" will be.

For me, the sensitive type, has been nearly 14 years since the first DDay, and still not over it.

Yes, it ruins marriage completely. When I would try to get over their sex together I would for awhile then when we had sex, i would wonder how the AP performed what he did, comparing, etc. etc...

was impossible to shake off...so sex stoped.

Its impossible for some of us sorry.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH has expressed this utopian view as well. He has told me things that he never, ever told me pre-dday, that I was his best friend, his trusted advisor, his partner, his soulmate and on and on. I never, ever felt that closeness. I am shocked that he felt that close to me. :(

I don't think all the things that are described are a utopian view of a marriage. IMO, Most of those things are what a spouse should be.

I still expect my spouse to be a "TRUSTED ADVISOR", & a life "partner", a best friend.

If I do not get back to feeling that way, I have decided to divorce.

Without those two factors in a marrieag, why bother to marry.

If my spouse can't be a trusted advisor to me and a life partner, a best friend, I may Just as well be single.

And, if my wayward did not want to be those things to his wife, IMO, he should have remained single.

The soulmate thing I think is a bit over the top romantic.

But if a person does not feel "close" to their spouse, why marry?

Perhaps the problem is that no one outlines their expectations of the marriage in real conversations, anymore.

Perhaps they simply count on the wedding vows to say it all.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:52 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1238 | Registered: May 2014
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before, I thought my marriage and husband were great. I was the one too broken and damaged to be worthy of either, and I set out to destroy it just to prove my unworthiness.

Now that I've tried to heal from my past, I see my marriage differently. Maybe I was putting the marriage and my husband on a pedestal, they were perfect because I was so wrong in so many ways. I see that wasn't realistic at all.

He's human, he has flaws, so does the marriage. But I've become increasingly ambivalent about my marriage. I used to be so desperate to save my marriage and fix me and have the best marriage possible, to come out stronger.

Our marriage has never been worse. Not saying it's bad or abusive in any way, but there has been much more arguing and a disconnection in the last couple of years. Relationships are a lot of work, and neither of us are interested in really putting in that work. If it weren't for the kids, I honestly wish I'd never married at all, ever.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 763 | Registered: Jun 2010
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before, I thought my marriage and husband were great. I was the one too broken and damaged to be worthy of either, and I set out to destroy it just to prove my unworthiness.

To Caspars1wish. I think you and my wife are in the same boat here. I have seen so many red flags over the years and even before we were married, but just ignored them completely. My WW keeps proving to me that she is unhappy to be married and not having her sexual freedom.

Its sad to me.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

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