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allatsea posted 8/13/2014 05:58 AM

Hello folks,

I am now excellent at NC and I find myself actively saying 'do I need to send that text?' or 'do I really need to reply?'.

The financial situation is now resolved to my satisfaction and although the arrangements for contact with the children are not to my liking I do at least know she can't impose any changes.

But I still find that my mind spends considerable time thinking about everything I've lost, what she's doing, wondering if she's happy, hoping that she isn't, listening out for signs that karma may have paid a visit and generally feeling glum that I only see my children for a third of their life now, thanks to her.

I still feel a great injustice that she has a partner and he gets to replace me as husband and father(even if we know he isn't a catch). The point is she WILL be happy because she has to convince herself that she is happy. And to her, that's all that matters. She is currently on holiday in France with my two children, Gru and the new grulet. It should be me. It should be us.

And I am at home, alone.

I really want to reach the 'meh' point where I don't miss her or my stomach doesn't get knotted when I think of her. She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

What more can I do to get there quicker?

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:10 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

sharim posted 8/13/2014 06:18 AM

allatsea - just some random thoughts here - as you know, it will take time to get to meh. How to get there quicker you ask - spend time doing things you enjoy - by yourself or with platonic friends. Do things that you have always wanted to do but never had the time/energy for before. Don't push yourself into a relationship - enjoy being you. As hard as it is, if the new partner is kind to your kids be glad that your kids have more love in their life - him being around does not replace you as their father - just expands their circle of love. Let go, let go of all the old and look forward to all the new. Don't get stuck in the past. I know it is easier said than done but take baby steps towards a new future for you.

Williesmom posted 8/13/2014 08:49 AM

Three things:

Time
No contact
More time

I hate to sound so cliché, but it really does just take time to find your inner self and happiness. It kind of sneaks up on you.

It took me 2-3 years after the divorce before it didn't consume the largest part of my day. It's a wonderful feeling.

Shockleader posted 8/13/2014 08:55 AM

Three things:

Time
No contact
More time

Same advice from a fellow Yinzer... Yep, it will come, and maybe faster than you think. No contact also means no web searches, FB checks, looking at old pictures, etc. Sure, there will be 'remembrance triggers", but in time they too will fade.

Shame the only lasting memory I have of my ExPOS, is what a vile, selfish coward she is. Good luck!

hexed posted 8/13/2014 09:47 AM

I really want to reach the 'meh' point where I don't miss her or my stomach doesn't get knotted when I think of her. She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

What more can I do to get there quicker?

That right there is progress. You realize that you need to get to 'meh' and that she is taking up too much brain space. Is it time to add a new hobby or activity to your life. Get just a little bit busier so you can shove her out of your head a little bit more?

7yrsflushed posted 8/13/2014 10:00 AM

What everyone else said. The fact that you are asking the question means it will likely get here sooner than you think. What helped me was actively planning things to do when I did not have the kids. Having the kids was the easy part. I was still used to doing family activities and couple activities. It was the 50% of the time when they were with XWW that had me thinking. As soon as I started going out and planning more activities during those weeks things got better. I was occupied so instead of sitting around thinking of the old days or being sad I was creating new memories and trying new things. Some people call it staying busy. I call it living your life or more accurately relearning how to live your life. Keep at it AAS, meh is coming.

TrustedHer posted 8/13/2014 13:53 PM

The point is she WILL be happy because she has to convince herself that she is happy. And to her, that's all that matters.

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be” -- Abraham Lincoln

I still have moments of stomach-knotting after 5 years. They're (thankfully) few and far between, and I recover quickly.

But by and large, I decided to embrace the changes, good and bad, that have come along, and to try to accept that everything I "lost" was an illusion, and everything I have now is real.

Over time, I hope you can focus more on who you are, and what you do, and what you want, and less on what what's-her-name is doing or feeling. I believe it happens. I believe it happens sooner with IC and staying busy and learning new things.

What have you done today, this week, this month, to make yourself happier?

Commanche1 posted 8/13/2014 15:35 PM

allatsea

Three things:
New Adventures
New Woman
More New Adventures

three billion women on the planet and your mind is filled with the one that stabbed you in the back. Like a great Ship that wrecked this is a tragedy, however it's time for new ships and new adventures

fireproof posted 8/13/2014 21:44 PM

My 2 cents :

Accept that you feel that- you are a good person with values who knows you would have stayed married if you could.

As far as her life- as hard as starting off with less and losing everything I won't have to live with what I did nor face the future with that knowledge. I am so grateful I am not my ex.

Acknowledge you feel what you do and turn it to work on what you want.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/14/2014 00:45 AM

I find myself actively saying 'do I need to send that text?' or 'do I really need to reply?'.

That's a great start. You are in the middle of reacting to an outside trigger (the text from her) where she gets brain space and you NOTICE what you are doing. And you think about the reaction and alternative actions to the one you might do impulsively. You need to practice that more when there is not something in particular external to you that is forcing her into your consciousness.

But I still find that my mind spends considerable time thinking about everything I've lost, what she's doing, wondering if she's happy, hoping that she isn't, listening out for signs that karma may have paid a visit

So you need to practice the NC habit on your own mind. You are doing well in cutting yourself off from ACTING on initiated contact. What you need to do is shut your brain down from THINKING or ruminating about her when she pops up in there taking space in your noggin.

and generally feeling glum
feel a great injustice
It should be me. It should be us.
And I am at home, alone.

So learn to identify those thoughts as unwanted contact. Put up the stop sign in your mind! Your mind is habitually going to her and you allow it to continue because you don't force yourself to go silent on the topic of her.

I have several "go-to thoughts" I practice. It's a type of mindfulness where you notice what you are thinking about and actively choose to think about something else instead. It's like when you are at a work party and somebody who holds an opposite political viewpoint to your own beliefs - do you engage? Do you argue? Do you act appalled? NO, you do not. You can't. It's work. You have to put up with this person if you want to keep your job so you STOP and change the subject. "How about those Dodgers?"

So you have this person who takes up space in your head and triggers thoughts of injustice, leading you to feel gloomy... yadda yadda. Get her out by getting something else in there.

My "go-to thoughts" are:

1. Making salad. What are the ingredients? Visualize what I have in the fridge and cupboard. Visualize going to the store and picking out additional ingredients. Visualize cutting up the salad, mixing the dressing, and the serving bowl, plates, etc.

2. Car maintenance. I need an oil change in 700 miles. I have a vibration at 70mph. The trim around the wheel wells is fubared. The rear wiper blade has a defect.

3. The park bench. The road to the trailhead. What is traffic like? What's the weather like? How should I dress? Where do I park in the lot? Which way to I go at the trail head? Visualize the particular trees on the walk. Visualize the view at the bench.

You make your own "go-to thoughts" that work for you and keep your mind engaged for 30 seconds to 2 minutes. It's enough to get your brain disengaged from her. Change the subject in your head, deliberately. Practice that. I guarantee it will help you.

She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

So think of something - anything - else.

Runningaway posted 8/14/2014 02:45 AM

My "meh" came very suddenly, like a light switch.
I realized I was no longer making up reasons for him doing things, deciding what he must have been thinking when he did something. Did not use his actions or imaginary thought processes to justify any of my own actions or to feel better about myself.
I took responsibility for all of my short-comings in the marriage and no longer follow them with "but, he_____" b/c it doesn't matter what he did anymore. I know I can be better and that is what I focus on.

I love all of heartbroken_kk's advice. In the early days I did the laundry in my head. Very boring. If I could go back in time I definitely would have imaginary shopped. Even if it was for salad.

You'll get there. We all do.

Kajem posted 8/14/2014 12:47 PM

Allatsea,

I've been divorced for 11 years. For 8 of those years involved with XSO. XSO cheating and choosing ow/NW brought me to SI 2 years ago.

I can tell you I got to meh pretty quickly due to being in a new relationship...(not healthy coping mechanism on my part). However, my XH is an emotional abuser, as is NW, my kids bore the brunt of XH/NW's hatred of me. So I was always trying to find ways to reduce the hurt my kids were inflicted due to my decisions. It bothered me but their my kids, I did it. Again not healthy, but I did it for my kids.

It's taken me till a couple of months ago to get him/them out of my head. Both have been meh for awhile - then a couple of triggers and anniversary spilled me back. This is what I found what's working for me - this is new to me.

When thoughts of them invade: I have a mental list of things to try to exorcize them from my thoughts:

1) Pray for someone: I concentrate on a particular person and concentrate on the words I am praying for the circumstances they find themselves in.

2) a new hobby, a lot of people workout - I am not a fan of working out. But I have started taking dance lessons with a meetup group. Taking the dance lessons is causing my brain to be rewired a bit. I have to force myself to think about how I move my feet, hands, head etc.
so when the ex's invade my thoughts, I mentally (sometimes physically) practice the latest moves. It helps that I enjoy dancing and being with this particular group of people who are becoming friends. I always llook forward to this meetup.

The solitude is what kept me mired in the ex's thought pattern ( which always turns into a "what's wrong with me? Why can't I find someone?" Thought process. It sucks!

Finding something else to focus your mind and body on seems to hold the secret to moving on to meh.

Good luck,
K

allatsea posted 8/15/2014 03:53 AM

Thanks everyone,

I have been keeping busy and doing lots of things that I never got round to. I have great friends, holidays and hobbies. During these times I am quite content and enjoy my life. Inevitably there are always going to be times when you're at home on your own, when the kids are with their mother and the brain starts wandering off and thinking about the past, the present and how we got where we are.

I have processed and re-processed my past and absolved myself of culpability but I still get pissy when I think about what she's done to me and the boys. I miss my life. I loved our family unit and I didn't take for granted for one minute. I wasn't co-dependant but I can see that she was less invested in the marriage than me. She did start expressing frustration that there must be more to life than working and paying bills. We all go through that and find coping strategies but her strategy was to spice up her life by sitting on at least two other cocks. She can't say she's bored now.

I enjoy being one of a couple. I like to share. I miss it.

I know I'll get there but I'm impatient

norabird posted 8/15/2014 11:58 AM

((((AAS))))

It would be so nice if there were a fast forward button. Since there isn't, don't judge yourself too harshly for still having these feelings. Just do your best to take steps at having your own separate fulfilling life, even though it's not what you envisioned for yourself.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/15/2014 15:28 PM

I miss my life.

I enjoy being one of a couple. I like to share. I miss it.

I hear you. I'm the exact same way. I had to have a hard talk with myself that it's like being on a diet, or having a low income... it's just not possible right now if I want to be healthy in the future. I can't have it because of my currenct circumstances.

So.... back to changing my thoughts. If I think about cheeseburgers I am going to crave them. So stop thinking about cheeseburgers.

When you dwell on the thoughts that cause you to be pissy or moody and give her mind share, you are in a way, sabotaging your healing.

180 FOR allatsea. NO CONTACT in your head. Turn away from the pain. Take a deep breath. Focus on something positive in your life. Force those regrets and wants out of your mind by filling your head with alternate thoughts. Salad. Car maintenance. Park bench.

You can do this. Is there something with your new hobby you can mull over in your head?

Abbondad posted 11/2/2014 16:23 PM

Resurrecting this thread. Just some thoughts/lament.

I just know, I know, that I would be light years closer to "meh" if it weren't for the horrible, incessant drama from XW and AP.

My rose-colored glasses are long gone. I don't miss her. I don't want her back. I want her far far away from me. She is abhorrent and seemingly getting worse.

I find myself for the first time in my life looking forward to growing older--specifically ten years older, for I will retire and my children will be on their own. Assuming I have not settled down with someone new in my present location, my plan is to put as much geographical distance between myself and XW as possible, nearly never communicate with her again, and wile away my final years in peace, far from my past and my source of pain.

Self-indulgent and self-pitying, I know. Very sad to read my own words.

InnerLight posted 11/2/2014 18:04 PM

Sorry for the incessant drama. She can't let go of you either and the drama and the pain is like the memorial to old times/old losses.

I am 6 years out and I am not at 'meh'. I don't think I will ever not feel the scars of what happened. I had another vivid dream with X yesterday for example.

Like you I have friends and family, an adorable SO, super fun hobbies, etc. I also have many techniques for releasing old pain.

I still have times where my mind rubs at the old wound.

When that happens I let the feelings come, let them out. Then consciously work on letting it go, Praying.

The whole beautiful world has a power that is greater than this wound and I ask for healing. Again.

It passes, and perspective returns. I pick myself up and keep moving.

It's not that I am getting to 'meh'. I am in a place where this old wound doesn't stop me, slows me down less and less.

I don't think moving away will help much. Wherever you go, there you are. Keep making your own mind a good place to live.

refurb posted 11/2/2014 19:16 PM

keep think about her ffffffffffing around on you, touching that guy's privates and then touching your kids with same cheater hands

see that for just how awful an action it was

see her as the person that choose to commit the act

won't get you to "meh" but you will realize that you loved a fake person

fadedrainbow posted 11/3/2014 03:24 AM

(((allatsea))) It takes a long time to get unmarried. You have made tremendous progress, so give yourself credit for keeping NC.
I found NC to be the most valuable thing in my own healing because I had an XH that did not want to let go though he divorced me. 5 years out from divorce I still have not reached 'meh' and frankly do not know if I ever will. I have let go of that expectation and just get on with it when my mind drifts to that painful place. This morning, for example my daughter said she was having dinner with XH at Xsister in laws, my former best friend who knew about the A before me. I had a mini trigger and shed a few tears. Why? It still hurts. Grief, loss, sadness.... Thank God you have those feelings because many people do not. I honour those feelings which don't hang around as long as they used to, and like others have said move on to the continued creation of my now life. FR

Thefly559 posted 11/3/2014 06:46 AM

No contact and time brother. There is no secret to getting through this crap. We have to go right down the middle. I am with you as most here are. For me I focus on me now ( besides kids of course) but life is finally all about me again as it was when I was a kid. Fuck her fuck her pos affair partner. I put a big tattoo on my arm and is buried her in it. ( memory of course). Success is best revenge. Yes I still feel the pain but only once in awhile now. No contact and time!!! All the best brother. Stay strong you are better than them any day and twice on Sunday.