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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I get to 'meh' quicker?
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello folks,

I am now excellent at NC and I find myself actively saying 'do I need to send that text?' or 'do I really need to reply?'.

The financial situation is now resolved to my satisfaction and although the arrangements for contact with the children are not to my liking I do at least know she can't impose any changes.

But I still find that my mind spends considerable time thinking about everything I've lost, what she's doing, wondering if she's happy, hoping that she isn't, listening out for signs that karma may have paid a visit and generally feeling glum that I only see my children for a third of their life now, thanks to her.

I still feel a great injustice that she has a partner and he gets to replace me as husband and father(even if we know he isn't a catch). The point is she WILL be happy because she has to convince herself that she is happy. And to her, that's all that matters. She is currently on holiday in France with my two children, Gru and the new grulet. It should be me. It should be us.

And I am at home, alone.

I really want to reach the 'meh' point where I don't miss her or my stomach doesn't get knotted when I think of her. She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

What more can I do to get there quicker?


[This message edited by allatsea at 6:10 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea - just some random thoughts here - as you know, it will take time to get to meh. How to get there quicker you ask - spend time doing things you enjoy - by yourself or with platonic friends. Do things that you have always wanted to do but never had the time/energy for before. Don't push yourself into a relationship - enjoy being you. As hard as it is, if the new partner is kind to your kids be glad that your kids have more love in their life - him being around does not replace you as their father - just expands their circle of love. Let go, let go of all the old and look forward to all the new. Don't get stuck in the past. I know it is easier said than done but take baby steps towards a new future for you.

Posts: 1385 | Registered: Sep 2006
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three things:

Time
No contact
More time

I hate to sound so cliché, but it really does just take time to find your inner self and happiness. It kind of sneaks up on you.

It took me 2-3 years after the divorce before it didn't consume the largest part of my day. It's a wonderful feeling.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three things:

Time
No contact
More time

Same advice from a fellow Yinzer... Yep, it will come, and maybe faster than you think. No contact also means no web searches, FB checks, looking at old pictures, etc. Sure, there will be 'remembrance triggers", but in time they too will fade.

Shame the only lasting memory I have of my ExPOS, is what a vile, selfish coward she is. Good luck!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really want to reach the 'meh' point where I don't miss her or my stomach doesn't get knotted when I think of her. She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

What more can I do to get there quicker?


That right there is progress. You realize that you need to get to 'meh' and that she is taking up too much brain space. Is it time to add a new hobby or activity to your life. Get just a little bit busier so you can shove her out of your head a little bit more?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What everyone else said. The fact that you are asking the question means it will likely get here sooner than you think. What helped me was actively planning things to do when I did not have the kids. Having the kids was the easy part. I was still used to doing family activities and couple activities. It was the 50% of the time when they were with XWW that had me thinking. As soon as I started going out and planning more activities during those weeks things got better. I was occupied so instead of sitting around thinking of the old days or being sad I was creating new memories and trying new things. Some people call it staying busy. I call it living your life or more accurately relearning how to live your life. Keep at it AAS, meh is coming.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The point is she WILL be happy because she has to convince herself that she is happy. And to her, that's all that matters.

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be” -- Abraham Lincoln

I still have moments of stomach-knotting after 5 years. They're (thankfully) few and far between, and I recover quickly.

But by and large, I decided to embrace the changes, good and bad, that have come along, and to try to accept that everything I "lost" was an illusion, and everything I have now is real.

Over time, I hope you can focus more on who you are, and what you do, and what you want, and less on what what's-her-name is doing or feeling. I believe it happens. I believe it happens sooner with IC and staying busy and learning new things.

What have you done today, this week, this month, to make yourself happier?


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allatsea

Three things:
New Adventures
New Woman
More New Adventures

three billion women on the planet and your mind is filled with the one that stabbed you in the back. Like a great Ship that wrecked this is a tragedy, however it's time for new ships and new adventures


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2 cents :

Accept that you feel that- you are a good person with values who knows you would have stayed married if you could.

As far as her life- as hard as starting off with less and losing everything I won't have to live with what I did nor face the future with that knowledge. I am so grateful I am not my ex.

Acknowledge you feel what you do and turn it to work on what you want.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself actively saying 'do I need to send that text?' or 'do I really need to reply?'.

That's a great start. You are in the middle of reacting to an outside trigger (the text from her) where she gets brain space and you NOTICE what you are doing. And you think about the reaction and alternative actions to the one you might do impulsively. You need to practice that more when there is not something in particular external to you that is forcing her into your consciousness.


But I still find that my mind spends considerable time thinking about everything I've lost, what she's doing, wondering if she's happy, hoping that she isn't, listening out for signs that karma may have paid a visit

So you need to practice the NC habit on your own mind. You are doing well in cutting yourself off from ACTING on initiated contact. What you need to do is shut your brain down from THINKING or ruminating about her when she pops up in there taking space in your noggin.

and generally feeling glum
feel a great injustice
It should be me. It should be us.
And I am at home, alone.

So learn to identify those thoughts as unwanted contact. Put up the stop sign in your mind! Your mind is habitually going to her and you allow it to continue because you don't force yourself to go silent on the topic of her.

I have several "go-to thoughts" I practice. It's a type of mindfulness where you notice what you are thinking about and actively choose to think about something else instead. It's like when you are at a work party and somebody who holds an opposite political viewpoint to your own beliefs - do you engage? Do you argue? Do you act appalled? NO, you do not. You can't. It's work. You have to put up with this person if you want to keep your job so you STOP and change the subject. "How about those Dodgers?"

So you have this person who takes up space in your head and triggers thoughts of injustice, leading you to feel gloomy... yadda yadda. Get her out by getting something else in there.

My "go-to thoughts" are:

1. Making salad. What are the ingredients? Visualize what I have in the fridge and cupboard. Visualize going to the store and picking out additional ingredients. Visualize cutting up the salad, mixing the dressing, and the serving bowl, plates, etc.

2. Car maintenance. I need an oil change in 700 miles. I have a vibration at 70mph. The trim around the wheel wells is fubared. The rear wiper blade has a defect.

3. The park bench. The road to the trailhead. What is traffic like? What's the weather like? How should I dress? Where do I park in the lot? Which way to I go at the trail head? Visualize the particular trees on the walk. Visualize the view at the bench.

You make your own "go-to thoughts" that work for you and keep your mind engaged for 30 seconds to 2 minutes. It's enough to get your brain disengaged from her. Change the subject in your head, deliberately. Practice that. I guarantee it will help you.

She still takes up most of my spare thinking time and I'm getting sick of it.

So think of something - anything - else.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Runningaway
♀ Member
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My "meh" came very suddenly, like a light switch.
I realized I was no longer making up reasons for him doing things, deciding what he must have been thinking when he did something. Did not use his actions or imaginary thought processes to justify any of my own actions or to feel better about myself.
I took responsibility for all of my short-comings in the marriage and no longer follow them with "but, he_____" b/c it doesn't matter what he did anymore. I know I can be better and that is what I focus on.

I love all of heartbroken_kk's advice. In the early days I did the laundry in my head. Very boring. If I could go back in time I definitely would have imaginary shopped. Even if it was for salad.

You'll get there. We all do.


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allatsea,

I've been divorced for 11 years. For 8 of those years involved with XSO. XSO cheating and choosing ow/NW brought me to SI 2 years ago.

I can tell you I got to meh pretty quickly due to being in a new relationship...(not healthy coping mechanism on my part). However, my XH is an emotional abuser, as is NW, my kids bore the brunt of XH/NW's hatred of me. So I was always trying to find ways to reduce the hurt my kids were inflicted due to my decisions. It bothered me but their my kids, I did it. Again not healthy, but I did it for my kids.

It's taken me till a couple of months ago to get him/them out of my head. Both have been meh for awhile - then a couple of triggers and anniversary spilled me back. This is what I found what's working for me - this is new to me.

When thoughts of them invade: I have a mental list of things to try to exorcize them from my thoughts:

1) Pray for someone: I concentrate on a particular person and concentrate on the words I am praying for the circumstances they find themselves in.

2) a new hobby, a lot of people workout - I am not a fan of working out. But I have started taking dance lessons with a meetup group. Taking the dance lessons is causing my brain to be rewired a bit. I have to force myself to think about how I move my feet, hands, head etc.
so when the ex's invade my thoughts, I mentally (sometimes physically) practice the latest moves. It helps that I enjoy dancing and being with this particular group of people who are becoming friends. I always llook forward to this meetup.

The solitude is what kept me mired in the ex's thought pattern ( which always turns into a "what's wrong with me? Why can't I find someone?" Thought process. It sucks!

Finding something else to focus your mind and body on seems to hold the secret to moving on to meh.

Good luck,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone,

I have been keeping busy and doing lots of things that I never got round to. I have great friends, holidays and hobbies. During these times I am quite content and enjoy my life. Inevitably there are always going to be times when you're at home on your own, when the kids are with their mother and the brain starts wandering off and thinking about the past, the present and how we got where we are.

I have processed and re-processed my past and absolved myself of culpability but I still get pissy when I think about what she's done to me and the boys. I miss my life. I loved our family unit and I didn't take for granted for one minute. I wasn't co-dependant but I can see that she was less invested in the marriage than me. She did start expressing frustration that there must be more to life than working and paying bills. We all go through that and find coping strategies but her strategy was to spice up her life by sitting on at least two other cocks. She can't say she's bored now.

I enjoy being one of a couple. I like to share. I miss it.

I know I'll get there but I'm impatient



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AAS))))

It would be so nice if there were a fast forward button. Since there isn't, don't judge yourself too harshly for still having these feelings. Just do your best to take steps at having your own separate fulfilling life, even though it's not what you envisioned for yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my life.

I enjoy being one of a couple. I like to share. I miss it.

I hear you. I'm the exact same way. I had to have a hard talk with myself that it's like being on a diet, or having a low income... it's just not possible right now if I want to be healthy in the future. I can't have it because of my currenct circumstances.

So.... back to changing my thoughts. If I think about cheeseburgers I am going to crave them. So stop thinking about cheeseburgers.

When you dwell on the thoughts that cause you to be pissy or moody and give her mind share, you are in a way, sabotaging your healing.

180 FOR allatsea. NO CONTACT in your head. Turn away from the pain. Take a deep breath. Focus on something positive in your life. Force those regrets and wants out of your mind by filling your head with alternate thoughts. Salad. Car maintenance. Park bench.

You can do this. Is there something with your new hobby you can mull over in your head?


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 15

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