I honestly just want to stop thinking about her and the hurt she's caused. I am sick of it. I am sick of what it is doing to me. I am sick of how much this woman has control over my thoughts and pain. I am sick of even thinking about a woman who blatantly walked away and watched me bleed out from her own knife. I am sick of her coming back time after time to twist the blade doing so without ANY remorse...nothing but guilt guilt guilt . I blocked her number already, told her to stay the hell away from me, and filed back in May. I just want her to never be a thought again because any thought of her is so toxic to me. I am so pissed at her blatant selfish and immature choices, and how they have pissed all over any good memories we had or experiences we shared. She threw gasoline over everything and lit the match.
I can't believe she got a tattoo to remind her of me and had the audacity to send me a picture of it over the weekend. She had the audacity to put on her body an image and representation of something very personal to me, very beautiful to me, and very important to me. The tattoo's image is burned into my mind. It artistically represented everything I gave her. And you know what is really fucked up? I did all this while she was still having her affair, and I didn't even know it. She had the audacity to take everything I gave to her and piss all over it. Telling me how even if we can't be together she will always have this to remember me by. She ENDED the marriage and R. It was HER choice...we can't be together? You freaking made sure of that! I don't understand her and I frankly don't think I ever can. She is twisted and cruel. She has compartmentalized so much that she has now put me in a little tattoo on her back so she can look in the mirror anytime to feel good about herself, to remind her she once had love, to remind HER it was once good before she tainted it, and to make HERSELF feel better when the reality of all the shit she's done to me gets to be a little too much and she needs her hit of a fantasy to not have to feel the pain she's caused. That's what I have become to her... a god damn tarnished image and tattoo on her back for all her new boyfriends to see as they take her from behind. I am so sick to my stomach and so hurt. I hate her for this and I wish she would just stop destroying what is left that is good inside of me. She is such a monster...she doesn't even get how much she is screwing me up.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:33 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
She is able to rewrite everything and make fond memories of your time together, while you have to wonder when she first started making her destructive decisions, when she first started dropping out of the marriage. And that sucks.
Keep getting mad for a while, if that helps. You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself through this. Eventually, you'll find yourself not wanting to be mad anymore.
When that happens, it can be hard to totally let go of the anger, but for now it's a useful tool.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Thank you for this. It never ceases to amaze me how much it helps to have other people understand. It helps to be reminded that I can do something to stop any new hurts.
She is able to rewrite everything and make fond memories of your time together, while you have to wonder when she first started making her destructive decisions, when she first started dropping out of the marriage.
100%, on the head, right. I have to keep reminding myself I am the one who can look in the mirror and am proud of what they see. I'll get through this. One tear at a time. One post at time. One gym session at a time. One friend's support at time. One relapse at a time. One day a time.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:59 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
Unfortunately for us, we can't alter the truth. We can't minimize it. In fact, we probably enhance the awful truth.
It's normal, but you will reach a point where you think about her less and less.
You need to focus on doing things for yourself, whatever makes you happy even for brief periods.
DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug
Remember that she needs to distort the truth to convince herself that she is not an abhorrent animal.
Quoted for truth.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
We can be sure she will not dare mention the truth of the tattoo or even remotely that it is about me. This really bothers me and I don't want it to. I think it bothers me because once again, she will create another set of lies about me...about all I went through with her...about all the love I gave and what I sacrificed. It's sad when even your memory for someone else is completely tainted and twisted. But then again, eventually anything about her wont matter to me.
Someone here told me on a post that the healing of a BS is a journey. I can't quite explain it...but I see hope again. It feels as if the worst of the storm is over and now it is mostly smooth sailing from here, with occasional choppy seas. I am hopeful today. I don't know how long this peace will last, but I am just going to enjoy it while it is here.
SI is such a great avenue and has helped so much. I plan on coming back here well after my healing is completed to return the favor that so many here have given me.
I'm sorry to say but this rollercoaster is a long ride. It took me about a year from DD (so about 7m after S) to stop thinking/crying about it 24/7.
A few things that helped me with the obsessive thinking
a) visualise a STOP sign in my head when I caught myself - I'd start think about something that gave me pleasure instead. Or I rage cleaned.
b) I started daydreaming about my future. This sometimes involved raunchy fantasies about that guy on the bus but mostly it was imagining myself surrounded by friends, doing the things I love and sometimes it was even just looking out over my favourite beach just basking in the sunshine.
A year from now you'll look back on these posts and you'll be astonished at how much you're focussing on her and what she is thinking/feeling/doing. I want to slap the me of 2 years ago. I honestly thought I was focussing on me but reading my posts and I was trying to find the hidden meaning or answer to everything he said or did.
WHO THE FUCK CARES!! It hit me one day that I had so many good people in my life who deserved my attention. They deserved to have me wondering how they were and what they were doing. Not this guy. This guy didn't deserve my spit. That thought and the anger that came along with it helped me start detaching myself from him.
thanks for the advice. I wonder if obsessing is my way of trying to understand. Meaning, trying to break it down and see what I allowed and what I need to be aware of in order to never repeat this mistake. I will eventually get to the point of not caring or thinking about her anymore. I think that will come once I understand myself in this whole mess, and understand how I could have allowed someone to abuse me for so long.
I really like your stop sign tactic. This will come in handy when I need to put her our of my mind.
Find what works for you and work hard at diverting your thoughts. You will likely have to revisit some thoughts later down the track once the shock and adrenalin of survival mode starts waning.
Are you in IC? I was a little too good at the Stop Sign so I had another big crash once the adrenalin/survival mode wore off.