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Newest Member: LadyS (45361)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hi, my name is Ama and I'm a recovering Codependent
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of you know that I am an expat, working in an under-developed part of the world. Today my team got a new colleague, a single parent with three kids. When I first heard he was coming out, I thought, "oh, how cool, this guy must be an awesome parent to take his kids around the world with him alone like that!" Fortunately it's inexpensive (and supports the local economy) to hire household staff here, so we found him a nanny who started when he got here.

As it turns out, he is apparently only very recently a single parent.

I took him grocery shopping today. He bought two very small bags of stuff, and as we were paying, sheepishly admitted, "I didn't really know what to buy. I can't cook at all. I've never been responsible for feeding them before."

I gave him the number of a few restaurants that deliver and suggested he could hire a cook, and then backed slowly away, even though my good ol' codependent streak was screaming that I needed to march him back down the aisles and help him pick food to buy, and cook him a bunch of bulk meals, and feed these poor children.

I am going to make sure he meets some of the other families in our community with kids the same ages, but gees... what's the phrase? "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:09 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can really relate. I was doing my normal over-functioning the other day and my SO said this: "When I find someone who needs you to manage their life, I will let you know." (it wasn't him that I was trying to manage) It really made me pause and step back.

Breaking that type of co-dependency is tough when it's so ingrained. Good for you to step back when your mind was telling you to take care of the situation.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7743 | Registered: Aug 2005
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeh, you'd think he'd have done something about that "I can't cook at all" thing before he agreed to the job. Sheesh. The whole family will benefit from hiring a cook though. I think you should hire one too!

Good for you for backing off slowly...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emphasis on the "recovering." Well done, you.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25750 | Registered: Aug 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice job Ama - I tend to lean that way myself - feels good when you catch yourself.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MrH told me once he didn't know how to cut a tomato.

I handed him a knife and told him, "You're an adult, you'll figure it out."

That's pretty much what you did with this guy. I'm sure he knows how to read directions so he can follow recipes. Despite what some of the cooking shows portray, it's not rocket science.

Just a PITA IME. Like I read in a recent blog- they expect to be fed EVERY DAY.

Congrats on being aware and stopping yourself before you started. I know how hard it is.

I don't know his sitch but if he's never been involved enough to feed his kids, I feel sorry for them and the X. And him for that matter. That's an awful lot of missing out on their lives to not be involved in a single meal.

ETA- oops, thought I was in OT.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:28 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly, you can always respond to my posts. You're practically family.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ama- you "talk" to me more than my sister does so I'll agree and be thankful.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be the exact same.

But!

Are you co-dependent or just being helpful I guess that's the fine line between the 2.

Me, I like to help people perhaps it is co-dependency ?


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do like to be helpful - if I didn't, I wouldn't have volunteered to take him grocery shopping, or given him the numbers of restaurants. I did those things.

But I think stepping in and mothering his children is over the line.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would have cooked him a welcome meal. But I make muffins for new neighbors.

Good for recognizing that it wasn't your circus.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5272 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 11

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