SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
We are both pregnant
WE have been together for five years. He had me pick out rings as he was going to propose. He went to a party alone and slept with someone when he got trashed. He did not tell me and a week later we had sex. He felt guilty and told me. Then the next day he found out she was pregnant. I ended things and two days later found out i'm pregnant. We are so in love and had our whole lives ahead of us. We finally have the son we always talked about. I want to stay and make this work (so does he). He has to wait for the child to be born to do a dna test.
If I DO decide to stay what are some steps I can take? He can take? Anyone else deal with another child? What if it is his? Can i deal with that? Ugh.. just so confused. We are due a week apart.
I can't even imagine being in the situation you're in.
In the I Can Relate forum there is a thread for dealing with an OC (other child). There are some wonderful women there that will help and guide you.
You have a lot of things to deal with. First, remember that it isn't your fault.
The very first thing you need to do is see a good family law attorney now, before either of the children are born, or before OW (other woman) files for child support. In many states, the timing of who files significantly affects the amount you may receive if things do not work out.
Know what your rights and options are now. Please don't see this as an all-or-nothing "I'm ending the relationship" move. See this step for what it is: information gathering.
Lots of other folks will come with great support ideas, and you might want to spend some time looking at the articles under "The healing library" link in the upper left (above the Dr. Phil thing).
Please talk to an attorney sooner rather than later - you don't have to know yet whether you intend to divorce or reconcile.
You need to file for CS, whether you plan on staying with him or not. Whoever files first gets the most money. You need to protect your child.
You also need to get tested for STD's. Him too. And no sex until the results are back. An STD can have horrific affects on an unborn child.
There is a thread in the I can Relate forum for BS's dealing with an OC(other child). They will be able to give you advice that some of us here may not.
As for the OW. No contact AT ALL until the child is born. And in the meantime, he needs to decide if he wants a relationship with this child. And you need to decide if you can deal with that. From what I have read here, it is a neverending battle.
Im so very sorry he has done this.
He wants to R? So what is he doing to become a safe partner for you? Is he answering all of your questions with complete honesty, and no anger? Is he 100% transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and phone? Passwords too?
Who all was at this party? Did his buddies know he was hooking up with some slut?
Welcome to SI.
[This message edited by confused615 at 1:38 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
If I'm understanding your post and time line correctly, he had sex with someone else once, then 8 days later found out she was pregnant? If that is correct, it's unlikely he told you the truth. While it is possible to have a positive pregnancy test very early, most women don't even suspect they are pregnant that early. She might be pregnant by someone else, or she is not actually pregnant, or he didn't tell you the extent of his involvement with her.
Did I misunderstand what you posted?
I'm with allusions - timing seems a bit off to me.
So sorry you are dealing with this. I'm not the one to help, but you will find a lot of support hear and in the IRL threads for OC if that turns out to be the case.
You will find tons of support and more great people than you can shake a stick at.
That being said I see some holes in your story.
Like Allusions indicated it's almost impossible for her to know she is pregnant that soon, and to know that it is his. Many women when they realize they are being left, or not getting what they want will claim pregnancy, and then the man goes rushing back, and then when aunt flo makes her arrival, claim it's a miscarriage. That being said you need to protect yourself and your unborn child, so file for CS immediately. If you have a kid with this guy, and he doesn't pull it together and grow up, you need to be able to enforce his financial responsibility for that child of yours.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself right now, eating, staying hydrated, and sleeping.
Get tested for STI's immediately.
Then the hard stuff. Figure out what you want and need from him to make this thing work. If he wants to try you need to be able to say this is what I absolutely need from you to even consider this.
Reach out to loved ones for support right now.
Keep reading, and keep posting.
I have already been tested and will continue to be through my pregnancy.
I am already looking for an attorney as I had already thought of some of the things you have mentioned.
He says he doesnt want a realationship with the mother or her child if it's his or not. He is willing to pay what he owes but does not consider this a child of his just a child he helped make. (if it's his)
The timeline has always seemed off to me as well, as you said women don't know that soon. He is going to do a DNA test and I know which night it was so he was not lying....i think she did.
I think she slept with someone and when he was drunk (not that that excuses him and what he did) but she saw an opportunity to sleep with someone in better financial standing and deem him the father.
He has been completly open with me. We have always had all passwords, phone access, etc.. of each other. He let me put a tracking app on his phone too.
Not excusing once again, but I do feel this was a one time mistake that he is feeling horrible for. He has done everything I've asked and tried to make it up.
I am not sure what steps to take to become healthy again....i will take your suggestions and read the library tonight when I have some time.
Thank you all for your responses and support. Being a first time mom I never thought I would be going through all of this. I just can't get it out of my head.
I also agree with the others that the time with this other baby seems way off.
Highly doubt (unless he is lying to you about how long this "affair" was going on and it just wasnt one night) that he is the father.
I suggest seek legal counsel, if you and him are serious about trying to make it work and wanting to be together, I suggest couples therapy for the future. It is going to be needed. But for now, I'd make sure all your ducks are in a row for sure.
Nothing can be decided if her child is his or not until the baby is born. All you know is that for sure YOUR baby is his and you need to protect yourself and your child.
He is blaming *being trashed* for his poor choice. That's an excuse. I've been pretty trashed, even gotten myself into some tricky situations, but I have never cheated. One such situation was when I was in college at a frat party - ended up *upstairs* at the frat house with a room full of guys (my and one other girl). Thankfully we managed to escape (and it was an escape) before things were too far gone and out of my control. We were both trashed. Alcohol is an excuse, but the reason he chose to have sex with someone he didn't know, that takes a little more digging.
Is he willing to go to IC (individual counseling)? For me, that was a requirement for me to consider R. What are your requirements for R? What are the consequences if he doesn't follow through? And he may feel he wants nothing to do with the child, but once that child is old enough to ask questions, and if the child is his, *mom* will tell him and that will open a whole 'nother can of crazy. You both need to be united in a plan for dealing with it. Children don't just go away because they are inconvenient for the sperm donor.
I'm not trying to be harsh. Just know that he has a long road ahead of him and he can't just "I'm sorry. It won't happen again" his way out of it to a committed relationship with you. It isn't that easy. If it was, sites like this wouldn't have nearly 45,000 members.
ETA - there are paternity tests that can be done prior to the birth that do not put any undo risk on the baby or the mother. I would insist that be looked into.
[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 2:55 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
I'm very suspicious on the timing of this and also seriously doubt it's his child. So hopefully that won't be an issue for your reconciliation.
He needs to get into counseling and figure out WHY he did what he did. I would suggest you get into counseling too to help with all the emotions that go along with both the betrayal and the pregnancy. Maybe marriage counseling too but in my situation IC (individual counseling) for both of us helped far more than MC (marriage counseling).
Welcome and good luck. And congratulations on your pregnancy, I know it's such a stressful time but your son will be a wonderful blessing.
Honestly i don't even know where to begin on making the "rules" and "stipulations" That is part of the advice I need. What should i ask of him? What should I, if anything, do differently? Where should we start? (besides counseling which we are both going to start together and seperately)
1. The date gets cancelled. In front of you.
2. NC with this latest squeeze
3. Total transparency. All passwords, all devices
4. Since this newest chick works with him, any and all contact is business only and all contact is shared with you. Emails are forwarded to you not deleted. Same with texts. He runs into her in the hallway, he tells you of that contact. There should be not chit chat. They can NOT be friends.
5. Get the book Not Just Friends. Read it for yourself. Ask him to read it. If he won't, share passages that speak to you with him.
6. IC for both of you. Hold off on MC for the time being. You cannot create a healthy M with broken people. He needs to fully accept responsibility for his actions. Alcohol is not the reason he cheated.
That's off the top of my head. You can do this.
He refuses these steps, back his bags and 180 hard.
ETA: Oops I got 2 posts confused. Some of the above list does not pertain to you.
[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 4:08 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
Well, I think for one he needs to take a hard look at his relationship with alcohol. I joined here after my H, while in a partial blackout-drunk state, hired two escorts from a service along with another guy when they were on a golf trip. He takes full responsibility for his actions that night, but I've also seen him drink beer, and I've seen him drink liquor, and liquor does something completely different to him. He no longer drinks liquor. And he also cut off contact with the other guy, because that was not the other guy's first rodeo with cheating or with escorts, which is 100 different kinds of horrifying.
So he needs to look at his drinking. Not necessarily quit, but he really needs to take a look at how drinking affects his decision-making process. Also, who were the people at this party? Are they people who you would consider friends of the marriage, or do they engage in behavior like cheating/one-night stands?
Cutting off any form of contact with this woman is also something that needs to happen. Other than confirming the child's paternity, there isn't really any need for them to communicate.
How is he with his phone/email? Does he have them password protected? These things should be open to you. He crushed your trust, he needs to be completely transparent and open in order to get it back. (ETA - sorry, just read your reply above)
If he's truly remorseful, he will be eager to do these things.
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:14 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
With the what to dos...
Take care of yourself and your baby healthwise
Take care of yourself and your baby legally and financially wise
In terms of your relationship - having a one night stand while drunk is still a one night stand. He has to dig deep and figure out why he gave himself permission - or sought out - to have sex with another woman. This is not an easy question. And looking at it usually uncovers an entire mountain of layers that also need to be examined, like boundaries, coping mechanisms, etc.
There's also the focus on healing your relationship. That's a lot of pain and betrayal and anger that comes with an affair, whether it be one night or longer. It hurts trust. And working through that is the only way to come out the other side.
As others have said, there's an OC/other child thread in the "I can relate" forum where they can offer you advice. Hopefully the DNA test will resolve this issue entirely and you won't have to worry about it. If there is another child... you guys will have to figure out what to do about it from there. I've known OC situations in person that have gone different ways - from an OC that wound up not being theirs biologically, to an OC that showed up 16 years later with 16 years backchildsupport to go with them and a whole host of anger, betrayal, etc that they had no father; to a situation where they were able to be cordial but very distant in handling the OC. It's hard. It's a lot to think about.
Sorry you are here :(
I also suggested he look deeper as to why this happened and all he keeps telling me is that there was no reason other than that he was drunk and made a mistake he greatly regrets.
He has not communicated with her at all alone. She has texted him (only relating to the baby) and he has showed me all the texts and only responds when we type together. He is going to talk to a lawyer to figure out his options with that part of the situation.
He gives me all of his passwords adn access to his facebook, phone, email, etc...
He has been eager to do everything i have asked...just not sure what all to ask of him.
Can you access his phone bill online? That will show you if he is texting her..and if she is texting him..and he is deleting these texts before you see them.
I agree...she wouldn't know if she was pregnant a week later. BUT...if this was more than a one night stand, and has been going on for awhile, then she would know if she was pregnant a week after that party.
Something is off here. Either this has been an ongoing affair..and he has only admitted to a ONS because she is pregnant and you were going to find out anyway...or she is lying and it's not his baby.
You need to find out the truth. And you can't trust him right now. Start investigating.
Has HE been tested for STD's? Did you tell your OB that your WH had an unprotected sexual encounter with OW and you have been exposed? Please do so...it's possible she didn't test you for everything..they usually don't, if you say you are in a committed, monogamous relationship.
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:59 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]
So sorry you're in this mess.
I agree with the others, the timing seems off. It's unlikely she would know she was pregnant within 8 days.
It's possible she's lying. Or it was more than once and he impregnated her earlier than that. Have you seen proof she is even pregnant? Have you seen her to confirm she looks pregnant? Or seen some sort of pregnancy test results? (from a doctor, not her screen shot of an ept )
.it's possible she didn't test you for everything..they usually don't, if you say you are in a committed, monogamous relationship.
Very, very good point.
I agree with everyone on here, and as soon as I read your post, my radar went off on the timing also. Either it happened more than that ONS, or something else smells weird.
Just MHO. Stinks to me. . . .
Good luck and please follow all the good advice you got.