"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

preggonow posted 8/13/2014 20:33 PM

I'm trying to go to the library like you said but when i click on it im brought to frequently asked questions???

Never mind, i googled it and found it. Link appears to be going to wrong place.

[This message edited by preggonow at 8:51 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

lilacs40 posted 8/13/2014 20:54 PM

Just want to throw out there that his being drunk is not a why. After my fist DDay, WH had an EA, he told me it only happened because he was working I overseas and he was lonely and missed me and the kids. Here I am and my most recent DDay was 6 months ago with another EA.

Clearly it wasn't just because he missed us. And chances are there more to your WSO's why as well.

Good luck and please take care of yourself and your baby.

preggonow posted 10/3/2014 09:10 AM

Well, it has been a few months since I posted and he told me the full truth. He got drunk with her three times, not one and slept with her each time. Do you ladies think there is a difference in once or three times? Should I not have forgave him? He still seems remorseful and told me on his own the full truth. He claims he didnt want to hurt me anymore by telling me it was more than once. I understand that he was scared to tell me but he should have told me the whole truth in the beginning right? I'm so confused :(

StillStanding1 posted 10/3/2014 09:41 AM

That's what we call "Trickle Truth" and it's very common with Waywards. They say they are trying to protect us from additional hurt, but the reality is that they are simply trying to protect themselves and their own self-image. They are still trying to control the outcome by not giving you full information.

If you wanted to reconcile, he needs to understand that you can only do this based on full disclosure. He needs to let you make decisions for your life based on the full truth.

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. When is your due date? Please take good care of yourself and your baby, that is your priority. You need to stay healthy, drink plenty of water, eat nutritiously, and exercise. And try to sleep! This is awful, we know. Just please try to take the best care of yourself you can at this point.

I'm so very sorry. This should be such a happy time in your life.

preggonow posted 10/3/2014 09:52 AM

I do honestly believe he has finally told me the whole truth. In my opinion it changed everything... his, it is the same situation.

I think one time getting drunk is horrible but a mistake was made. Now that i know it was three times I know he had to make a conscious decision each time and he didn't care about me in the meantime. It changed everything.

I'm not saying I dont want to reconcile anymore, I do. We have been through a lot together and work well as a team. I just don't know the steps I should take. Some days I am fine and others I just want to punch him.

I am due in January and I am keeping healthy. He has been awesome with our child and me. He takes care of me and talks to my belly everyday. He is very involved and in love with our son.

He does not have contact with OW except a few times shes texted (which he shows me and responds with me there). He hasn't fully decided but if the child really is his after DNA he doesnt think he wants any part of it. She has had many abortions before and refused to do one this time (not his kids btw on the abortions). Even after she found out I was pregnant too she wouldn't do one. I'm against doing one myself but if shes already done a few what difference would it have made to her to do one this time?

ok, now im just venting... grrrr!

Tina73 posted 10/3/2014 10:04 AM

Trickle truths are very common, there may even be more. Remember he showed you how easy it is for him to lie and deceive you.

I'd demand the whole truth and tell him t will be followed up with a lie detector.

Shockedmom posted 10/3/2014 10:13 AM

Are you in counseling? You both should seek assistance in dealing with his cheating, lying and the future challenges of OC.

doggiediva posted 10/3/2014 10:34 AM

I agree about the lie detector..
Make it a must for R..
You will get more clarity into his level of remorse the more you make the hard stuff requirements for R..You must make him protect your child financially..A lot of WS's have remorse at the surface..They pretend remorse or do the surface stuff to buy them time.. They will use this time to cake eat or get their own ducks in a row to leave..A divorce or split up usually hurts the purse strings in a bad way..This is why the WS prefer not to leave, they would rather have their creature comforts and some freedom on the side..
If your WSO balks at the above or balks at agreeing to a legally enforceable pre -nup (in your favor -should a divorce become an eventuality after you have been married ) too bad, pack his stuff up..What he did has life changing repercussions, it wasn't just a mistake..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:48 AM, October 3rd (Friday)]

lovesobroken posted 10/3/2014 10:55 AM

Wow!! So since he lied about being drunk once, how do you trust he didn't lie about just three times? What if he wasn't drunk t all and what if it was a longer term affair. How do you know he's not deleting texts or meeting her? Polygraph, VAR, looking at credit card history and phone records and also talking to the OW (many don't recommend) may give you more truth. It almost seems made up, three times drunk sex sounds false. Hang in there, I can understand how this changes everything.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/3/2014 11:56 AM

Well, it has been a few months since I posted and he told me the full truth. He got drunk with her three times, not one and slept with her each time. Do you ladies think there is a difference in once or three times? Should I not have forgave him? He still seems remorseful and told me on his own the full truth. He claims he didnt want to hurt me anymore by telling me it was more than once. I understand that he was scared to tell me but he should have told me the whole truth in the beginning right? I'm so confused :(

The second I read your first post in this thread I knew you'd been lied to. How does one have sex with a woman just a week or two before and then claim she's already pregnant not even 2 weeks later? I knew it was a lie when he claimed to have found out she was pregnant a day after his confession. What a crock. You got that confession BECAUSE she was pregnant and he knew he had to tell you because he couldn't hide it any longer. This guy is so transparent it isn't even funny. And for what it's worth? He's probably STILL lying and it was a lot more than 3 times.

I'd think very long and hard about continuing with this guy. This woman is going to be a thorn in your side for the next 21 years. Be prepared for a huge chunk of his salary to go to child support, look forward to multiple court battles, tons of animosity, arguing, drama, more drama, and even MORE drama.

SO not worth it.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

preggonow posted 8/22/2015 09:44 AM

It has been months since I posted on this thread. The tickle truth ended and he did tell me all the truth....or at least I believe he did. He has been doing everything to prove he's sorry and is committed to me and our son. I had my son, she had hers a week later. We did not hear from her for 7 months and then we got the letter from CS. We are still waiting for him to do the DNA test. Still NC with her or possible OC. I've seen photos and her baby does not look like mine or him but that could be wishful thinking or genetics looking like her. Anyways, I am having a really rough time because we were great for 7 months, living as a normal family, then we got the letter and reality set in. He wants NC with her or OC. I wasn't ok with that at first because of innocent child bla bla until I was in the OC forum and they helped me see it was ok and sometimes better for the OC. In this case it would be because they are so different on every aspect of raising a child.

I'm tired of having it on my mind all the time. I drive to work its there, i have a few free minutes its there, i drive home its there. I'm not having as many triggers but it's just a constant thought in the back of my mind that doesnt go away no matter how hard I try.

unloved22 posted 8/22/2015 10:40 AM

I agree with others who have said you need to get a child support order as soon as possible regardless of your relationship status. It will make it easier for you to know your feelings are real and you are not reconciling because of financial reasons. It will take the pressure off of and you will be less likely to force yourself to forgive before you are ready.

Also if you are going to work on your relationship in the meantime, work on it as if you are 100% sure the other child is his. It will make things easier if you find out it isn't his, rather than work yourselves into a good place and have to start over because you find out it is his. You also need to start accepting that he will have to have contact with her if it is his child and decide that you are willing to either accept that, be willing to police their contact if that is what it takes to make you comfortable, or just move on as separate but dedicated coparents of your child. In the long run you probably don't want to be with the kind of man who would just send child support and not be a part of his child's life and you don't want your child having a father who would treat his other kid that way. It certainly won't help your relationship with him if he feels like he can't save his relationship with you if he wants to know this other child. Also think long term, are you willing to be this child's step mother? Are you going to be OK having the child in your home? It isn't the child's fault and if you can't be fair to the other child it may be best to bow out now before that child is hurt because of his parent's mistakes. If it turns out it isn't his child then you can decide if you want to try and repair your relationship. I just don't want to see you repair things and then be torn apart again when you realize these things. I have been in a similar situation, I was not pregnant myself, but I knew I couldn't look at that child of his affair and love it and that wasn't fair.
Sorry you are in this terrible situation. This should be the happiest time of your life and I stead it is full of this hurt and betrayal.

Lowlow posted 8/22/2015 10:44 AM

I'm glad you posted. You said they are waiting for him to take the DNA test...meaning OC or your WS? Either way, someone has to put you out of your misery so you can move forward.

Fwiw, you are a very brave and strong person. Keep us posted, please

preggonow posted 8/22/2015 11:00 AM

Neither WS or OC have been tested yet. We received a letter that the case was opened but nothing more yet. (been about two weeks)

I have always assumed the OC was his but she also doesnt have the best reputation so it's possible she lied or just didn't know so chose WS. We will find out soon hopefully. I know the huge party dance i'll be doing and visualizing punching her in the face since I can't actually do it for putting us through this hell. (Not that WS was not the cause of it)

I just want it to be done. I want to know for sure and find out what will happen from there.

As far as NC, they are from different cultures, backgrounds, values, etc... That kid will be very confused on how he's supposed to be if they both raise him. But, i'm trying not to get ahead of myself and will have to get through this first step before we get to the next one.

Just want it over!!!

k8la posted 8/22/2015 11:13 AM

I filed for legal separation and had child support agreed to and signed off on. I'd suggest you do the same, even if you're trying to save your marriage because she will get dibs over marital assets over the needs of your own child if you don't.

unloved22 posted 8/22/2015 11:24 AM

Just saw this wasn't a fresh realization. Sorry. Iam still learning. You sound like you are putting your child first and I commend you for that!

preggonow posted 8/22/2015 12:16 PM

Yes, my son will always come first in life no matter what it throws at me.

solus sto posted 8/22/2015 13:22 PM

I'm so very sorry. What a blow.

First, I, too, have questions about timing. I think the timing of her claim is suspicious---and that you're on the right track, insisting on DNA confirmation.

Edited because I thought you were another poster--I apologize!

Still, I recommend you file FAST for CS, so that your child gets the lion's share.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:59 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

preggonow posted 8/22/2015 14:23 PM

Everyone keeps telling me to file CS but is there a way to submit a parenting plan/cs to make it legal without having to go through that whole CS office process? He is paying/supporting/being there for me and our child. But, I don't want her to get more because hers is through the state. A lawyer told me it wouldn't make much of a difference in pmt anyone have experience in this?

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/22/2015 15:03 PM

PreggoNow, this is how it works and WHY we're strongly urging you to file for child support FIRST.

Yes, it has to be done officially through the courts but there's a very good reason for doing it.

I can't tell by your profile but I'm assuming you live in the US.

As a general rule, when the FIRST child support order is filed against a person, the monthly amount is figured by using that person's TOTAL monthly salary multiplied by a percentage (which is set by the state or federally, not sure). Then the child support order is put into place for however many years the state mandates (and it could go up to age 23 or higher in some states if they're a full time college student!!!)

Here's where it MATTERS. A second request for child support is figured differently. This time around, they take his monthly salary but they DEDUCT any current/active child support orders already in place. Once that deduction has been made, they then configure the amount on what's remaining.

So as much as it sucks, if she files FIRST, she's going to get the biggest child support order on him.

If YOU file first, you'll get the bigger amount and get to KEEP that portion of your husband's income every month, rather than the OW getting it. She'd get the smaller SECOND child support amount.

This has two benefits. Why SHOULD you have to try to live on so much less due to your husband's stupidity and irresponsibility? I'm not saying he shouldn't pay for a child he created, I'm simply saying that YOUR children shouldn't have to eat beans every night because of it.

Secondly - and more importantly - if something WERE to happen down the road and you did separate or divorce, you'd already be getting as much as you possibly could from him for child support and wouldn't have to settle for a smaller amount because the OW is getting the biggest share.

You need to get to a lawyer ASAP and find out if you need to do this.

If you don't, you can say goodbye to a large portion of your monthly income for the next 20+ years.

Please see a lawyer ASAP.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 3:05 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]