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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I Normal?
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is a positive thing that you are feeling some hopefulness early on. It is a bit of a roller coaster, and there are big highs and big lows to come. Hang on to these good memories when the bad times roll in.

But, at 13 months out, my H and I really have rediscovered each other, and our relationship is far healthier than it has ever been. That doesn't excuse the A, and that is because of a lot of work, talking, vulnerability, reading and therapy on both of our parts - not because of the A.

The A was a crisis in my husband's life, and in our marriage. I feel grateful that we are working through it, together. But, I remember those mixed feelings at first! How can I feel positive around this person who has done this horrible, horrible thing?

It is because you love him. Hang in there, and hopefully he can continue rising to the occasion.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I am not always feeling "hurt" or "angry" sometimes I do really feel hopeful. I just want to hear others experiences or thoughts! I want to make sure I am not rug sweeping, but sometimes I don't feel like I need to be sad and sometimes I see that glimmer of hope. I am an optimist in most areas of my life btw, so maybe this is just part of the way I heal from things?

Six weeks out?

Then you are still likely in shock and denial.

Denial about the pain of his affair, denial about the ramifications to your self-esteem and trust.

According to numerous infidelity books, it can take six months to a year for the loyal spouse to final become angry.

Anger is a normal phase.

An affair is much like a death, death of the marriage or spouse we thought we knew.

And, just like a death you are going through the seven stages of grief.

Here are the seven stages (we can sometimes go back and fro in phases breifly before moving on:

Here is the grief model we call the 7 Stages of Grief:

SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

More 7 stages of grief...
THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.


If there is no trickle truth and NC is firmly adhered to, your stage of anger, when you reach it, may remain mild.

I am sending good energy your way and hoping that your spouse is truly doing all he can to make things right.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I then felt inspired to write all the things I am angry/hurt by. Lying to me, telling himself it was okay to spend time with someone else, and become physical with them, crushing the vision I had of what our marriage would look like etc. All of these things that I have already expressed. Then I wrote that I was upset that I didn't feel more upset. I used to think that a betrayal like this would completely crush me, but here in the moment, I can have empathy for what my WH was going through (doesn't excuse the A in any way) and I can see him working so hard on everything. The truth is, that I don't feel sad all the time. I feel hopeful. And when I do feel sad, I feel like I have been open with him about this, and he has done a great job of listening, being a shoulder to cry on, and apologizing profusely. I just want to know is this normal? I am feeling stronger than I thought I would be given the circumstances. I love my husband very much and when I look at him I see a broken man who is trying so hard to change his inner self to be a better person.

I had very hopeful moments in the first three months and then things began to calm down for me late in month 4. I also raged early on. I said the worst things to him. I too saw a broken man - I saw the guy who served others, ran into the boys' bedroom to comfort them, coach, tell jokes at the family table. I eventually saw a good man who made some terrible choices.

Keep reading, posting and sharing your feelings with one another. I find going into year 2 has been difficult - all those pre-A marital issues just don't go away. But we are in a much better place NOW then we were just before I learned of the A.


Good luck to you!

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:59 AM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops! Meant to add that I too wrote my list out of what angered me - things I had to accept. There were 25 or so things on the list. I had to get them out of me rather then swirling around in my head bumping into one another, taking up space so good that you did that! I would check in with the list every few months to see where I was at.

And like bionic wrote, you love him. You know, like she did, like I did with mine, that the good man is in there.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something to keep in mind is that generalizations are always false.

All joking aside, the stages of grief is a general guideline, but everyone grieves differently. Some people skip stages or experience them out of order, or don't experience any of them as described.

"Normal" is a pretty funny word sometimes. There are just to many variables in the human experience to accurately predict how someone will react to a situation. If you ever figure out a way to do it you will be very very rich.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal - Yes it is definitely a roller coaster. Some things effect me that I would have never expected. I know we are early on, but I am seeing him reveal parts of himself that he kept hidden from everyone out of fear of being a disappointment. He pretended to be strong so long that he was crumbling inside. It's why finding out about his low self esteem was a shock because he is a life of the party type of guy, very outgoing and conversational. You would never guess by knowing him. I had no idea it was affecting him so badly.

Seethelight - thank you for sharing the stages of grief. I have read through these as well. I am sure I very well could still be in the shock stage, but I also think it's helped my healing that my WH woke up immediately on DDay and has been working hard in IC and on our marriage since then. I have felt myself soften a little bit towards him. It doesn't take away my pain and frustration about our situation though.

LA44 - thank you for your input. I am hoping we can address our pre-A marital issues in conjunction with the A. We have only been married for a little over a year, and together for 5 so in a way I am glad we are facing this now rather than 15 years from now...if that makes any sense? IDK if I would say that makes it easier in anyway, but it makes me feel like we have a lifetime to create a stronger marriage.Gosh that sounds really odd but in a way that makes me feel a little more calm. A little...not much lol. I do think that if it wasn't an A, it would have been something else self destructive he would have done. He also picked up drinking a lot more during this time, not like drunk every night, but definitely wanting a beer or two daily which is out of character and it seemed it was getting worse. His drinking has slowed down a lot since DDay too.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jul 2014
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wodnships - I completely agree with you. I feel like there are people in this forum that have had very difficult times dealing with the wake of the A. Or people with pre-existing life experiences that make them react differently.

I have always felt very resilient, and I have also been a very sympathetic and forgiving person. I have not forgiven my WH yet for the A, but last night I forgave him for not being able to discuss his pain and his upbringing with me honestly. I forgave him for having that wall up to protect himself. He responded "funny thing is, I now know I wasn't protecting myself at all". I am definitely not rug sweeping anything, but I have been able to look objectively in a way at the situation and empathize with his feelings at the time even though I don't fully understand. I think for some it takes a lot of time and more work to be able to look objectively from the other persons point of view. I know he never even considered that his actions would hurt me, he just wanted to feel better, and although that hurts, I know it's because of deeper issues that I am just beginning to learn about.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jul 2014
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at six months I am worse off than the first three - definitely think the shock and denial helped us coast through

We have an example of a shared memory that I think exemplifies the process. WH had to remove a thorn I recently had - he had to dig down and it hurt like heck but he got it out OK and now my finger is healing...still hurts a bit but gets better every day. Still = he had to dig down and I had to trust that pain would mean no more thorn

Like the seed has to die in the winter to then sprout the roots to finally blossom in the spring/summer.

BUT that is ONLY if you truly have an actually remorseful WS

my WH was truly remorseful for dick pics and cruising porn sites... than jump 10 years later here I am after a mid-life mess of transitional anxiety turns into full blown just crazy delusional broken-ness.

Should of kept our butts in therapy a lot longer than we did = totally have to blame me for rug-sweeping "it was only..." and to think I said back then "just don't have an affair on me."

pace for a marathon


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 212 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 28
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