I don't want a divorce, I don't want any of this destruction that my WH has caused and continues to cause. I want my family back together, and I want my old life back (before the A). I know it's a fantasy and it will never happen; I am getting divorced.
Someone please tell me that this will pass and I will feel happy again one day - even if I wind up alone. 5 months S and I feel worse today than I have since Dday. Shouldn't things be turning around by now?
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
I can tell you that 5 months separated I was still crying non-stop. I believed that STBXH would get his head out of his a** and come home. I wanted him to come home. I just knew we could make things work. I honestly don't know how I made it through the first year. Year two I don't remember. I know I still wanted him back. I am now 2 years 9 months out. I can tell you it does get easier. Going NC was the best thing.
I would say the past 6 weeks have given me so much more clarity on just everything. I don't know if it is because he is pulling some stuff that is against court orders, or really seeing his lack of respect, caring and protectiveness that I didn't see before. I don't want the man he is back. And I am ok. I don't cry, except if it is regarding my DS and the situation this has put him in. I have outside activities. I do things now that he would never do.
Everyone on this board is right, its the four letter word TIME. Use your time wisely, read books, learn about yourself, be healthy. Just know one day you will look back and be proud of how you survived.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
My thoughts are consumed with WH and OW and what they are doing, their happiness, etc. I know it is dysfunctional. Every waking moment is consumed with thinking about the 2 of them together and I can't make it STOP.
I feel your pain, I am exactly where you are except I filed for divorce in April after trying to make my marriage work after the Affair came to light. I confronted him, begged him, asked her to stop seeing my husband, she refused and went as far as to ask me to stop contacting her!! As if I was the OW.
I too don't want a divorce. I want my family back as it was before the A however if you think about it rationally was it so great? We were living in a lie-all of it!
Surround yourself with lots of love, read books on things other than healing from lost love, take walks, and love on your kids.
I hate the fact that he has discarded me (and our family) without so much as a backwards look. What does that say about them?
The fact that we are hurting and crying shows just how much we loved our WH, believed in our vows and cherished our family and futures...
"The worst part about being lied too is that knowing you weren't worth the truth."
It does happen. As for whether it should have happened at 5 months out? That depends. Is he still causing you pain by arguing over settlements or custody? Do you run into him and/or the OW? Having to continue to interact and be yanked around by an unremorseful ex can prolong the time table. Not that there is a time table. How long does it take? As long as it takes. Everyone is different. But I think 5 months would be on the very very low end and not a common point for bouncing back.
I have read that it takes a year for every five that you were married. That might be a reasonable average. Less or more is normal too though!
You are motivated. I can hear it. You don't want to keep hurting. To me, this means that you won't. At some point your body and your heart will say ENOUGH! For me, reaching the anger stage was very helpful. I mean, how dare he do such a despicable terrible thing?
(((hugs))) I also think posting helps.
I was still losing weight from stress because I couldn't keep things down yet......and my WH was still at home.
You got the double whammy so many have gotten. All of a sudden you were alone. No apologies, nothing....just gone.
You will come out of this. Give it more time. It is too much of a shock still.
You stand at the threshold of a new life. Change can be uncomfortable, but it can also be gratifying. Shedding the old and walking into the new is tough, but keep looking back to see just how far you have come.
You will gain perspective and be able to learn from your marriage and move on.
When you move on and embrace change in healthy ways, you grow.
It does get better. I have filled my life with things that add to it. My career has taken off. I have hobbies I love and am passionate about. I have financial freedom from my Ex's horrific spending habits. I spend my weekends doing what I want, not catering to my Ex's every whim.
Work through the grief. It is normal. My current SO took a class at a local hospital specifically for "men in transition." The participants were cautioned to not bury themselves in work, alcohol or other things like gambling. They were advised to center and balance their lives. They were also advised to not date for a year. He said it really eased the difficulties of his separation and divorce, even though he wanted it and there were no third parties or abuse or addiction or anything of that nature involved. I would see if something like that is an option.
I've worked hard at building a new life. I'm not a social person by nature, but I've pushed myself to get involved in new activities, mostly at church. I treasure the time I spend with my kids. Even if it's just a trip to 7-Eleven on July 11th for free slushies and then eating them in the park. I make sure I have projects or activities to keep me busy when they're with Dipshit (a.k.a. Dad). I'm still taking it one day or week at a time, but I'm slowly discovering new plans and dreams for my future.
For me, the road to recovery is paved with Cymbalta (my favorite AD ) supplemented with counseling, prayer, and venting my pain here at SI. There is something about the comfort and advice from people who have BTDT that is irreplaceable.
t/j on ADs. While meds aren't for everyone, I think you should really talk to your counselor about it because a "lack of motivation" is a red flag for depression. As we are all tragically aware, it can be a fatal disease when left untreated. It is also a lot easier to deal with when treated early.
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 12:34 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
It really, really will. I didn't believe it when people told it to me, but it has. I'm 14 months out from my ex leaving me for the OW.
I began ADs about 6 months out when things were NOT getting better. The pain, the crying, the desperation, and honestly, the suicidal thoughts. I went on Prozac and I will always remember: about a week after I started taking it, there was a day when I realized that I felt like myself again. I actually recognized me. I was also better able to manage my thoughts. Prozac was, quite literally, a lifesaver for me. I always encourage people who are stuck deep in a hole to consider ADs. I didn't want to take them either, but then again I didn't want any of this garbage that brought me so, so so so low. For me, I really had to forget my old biases and pull out ALL OF THE STOPS to save myself from the dark place.
We're here for you. It does get better. I still have grief and sadness, and I miss my ex in a strange way that no longer includes wanting him in my life. But I also have a rich new life that I'm grateful for. You will get there too. It takes so much time, but we're here for you.