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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone else's BS say this?
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If I didn't take some of the blame for you having an affair I'd have to leave you."
Meaning, if I did it if my own volition it would be too much...
I'm.... Floored, said it was my choice alone. He didn't want to talk about it from there....
.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4961 | Registered: Dec 2010
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife says we may have had issues, but this was my choice alone. She's right and I know that. Is that what you're hearing-that it was yours alone or that you share the blame?


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M

Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a choice every WW makes.....it has nothing to do with the BS...as a BS I can take responsibility for pre a ....but I will not take responsibility for his choice to enter into a extremely selfish relationship OUTSIDE of the M......
We all have free will.....we all had needs NOT being met....
the choices we make are ours and ours alone....its living with the consequences of that choice that become OURS.....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 524 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sooty I meant to say WS not WW....sorry!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 524 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know that but he doesn't subscribe to that theory.
Nothing I can do.
I've read about this though. If the BS can be a good spouse then maybe they can control their WS from acting out again. Doesn't work that way though...,


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4961 | Registered: Dec 2010
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The important is that you understand it was your choice. My instinct of it is some BS have to feel responsible or culpable on some level. If they aren't then it makes them feel absolutely powerless in the situation. For now that is what he apparently needs.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3822 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here
It does sound like he's doing it as a way to feel he has some kind of control over it in the M. "If I'm good enough, this won't happen. Therefore I will be good enough and then this will never happen again."

Acceptance that we are powerless over the choices of our spouse and that nothing we do/don't do is going to make or stop them from having an A... that's difficult.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 531 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH said something very similar in our discussion last night. I agree with what another poster said, that it's a way for the BS to feel empowered in the situation. My BH is a "fixer" and feels better when he feels like he's actively working on improving the marriage and relationship. Acknowledging the areas he's been lacking in has helped give him direction for his actions in R and improving our M and relationship .


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married almost 14 years.
2 kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
southernmess
♀ New Member
Member # 44325
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B.S. I dont share responsibility for my WH's choices....but I have thought over & over had I not given enough affection. ..appreciation...how could've I had gotten different results...etc. Sounds to me like your spouse loves you dearly and cant bear to make you the villain ....so spouse is sharing responsibility bc that means their still hope to repair yall relationship......maybe?


BLINDSIDED HEALING

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: southernmess
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance that we are powerless over the choices of our spouse and that nothing we do/don't do is going to make or stop them from having an A... that's difficult.

I agree... and made even more difficult by people (general term) who are of the opinion that the BS must have "done/not done" something or else the WS wouldn't have cheated.

**sigh**

I know the cheating was all on him... but some days it doesn't feel that way... part of that feeling comes from the "reasons" I heard on DDay and shortly after.


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2011
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

Lark nailed it.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 255 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my husband blames himself.

Our M was truly awful. That isn't wayward rewriting M history, it was unhealthy and very toxic for both of us. So he blames himself because he thinks he treated me so badly for so long that he pushed me to cheat on him

I own my shit completely, my A was my choice. There is no doubt in my mind about that and I make it very, very clear whenever we discuss it. I have told him until I'm blue in the face but I can't make him internalise it and really believe it.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here

empowering as a fixer by nature = yep I second the reasoning

I own 50% of the marriage so that is the part I own and work on improving

I admittedly don't like that it may mean I'm not actually married - two as one. Having a spouse make sucha single-minded decision breaks the concept of how I define a marriage.

But I get free will and the ability to fuck up = royally. BTDT just I did it with my wild-n-crazy youth.


It's still just very emotionally painful to detach from the betrayal - especially since I've been raised with the saying "If I am pointing a finger out, than three fingers are pointing back at the problem."

so while I intellectually understand I have no control over another's actions, I am emotionally still attached to the fear of that vulnerability.

I am also working on the thinking that it was my bad choice to trust wholeheartedly so that is some of the blame myself I am working through


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachel - my first reaction to that statement was to wonder if he, then, blames you in some part for his affair?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25394 | Registered: Aug 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, he says he doesn't. But hey, I don't blame myself for his and I'm still here... trying to be at least.

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4961 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 15

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