Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: PTSD (44945)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Welp, broke NC
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent AP a short note today. It was totally weak of me, and fueled by anger and hurt toward my BH. I may have done it because I am just about done with this marriage. Started my morning with being screamed at that I am a fucking bitch and that I fucking suck and that I have no empathy and that I probably have NPD.

BH has long standing anger issues. The last two weeks our MC has strongly encouraged him to seek out individual counseling, which he refuses. Instead, he is running to makers mark. It is very confusing - seems like due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.

No one here will believe it, but I have been TRYING MY BEST to be comforting, to do all he asks, to show compassion, to fix myself. He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.

Sorry, I just had to confess and vent. Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2014
Herkemeyer
♂ Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2X4. Just ask yourself...

Even without your marriage, is the AP someone you really want?

Probably not. Keep that in mind as you try to maintain NC.


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.

Did you contact him out of spite?
Are you planning on continuing contact?

I'm not going to tell you how terrible you are, you know what you did was not good.
The real matter here is how do you plan to treat your marriage going forward?

Like something you want to keep or something you want to throw away?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Falling back into old wayward patterns is common when you are utilizing old coping mechanisms, is this how you've dealt with your BH's anger in the past? You're not at the point yet to see that if you're done with the marriage, you're done. There is no breaking the "no contact" or self destructive and passive aggressive moves to end the marriage. All you're doing is setting yourself back and throwing more fuel on the inferno.

Change isn't going to happen over night, and your husband is going to be angry for a very long time. No you shouldn't be accepting verbal abuse, but running to the AP every time your husband gets mad, you need to dig deeper to find out why you're doing that. As I said, don't sabotage reconciliation just for the sake of ending the marriage, you're only damaging yourself further.

Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am

You are not terrible. You need to work on better coping skills, self confidence, and self worth. Are you also in IC? Don't give up on you, for you.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 763 | Registered: Jun 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are members here who broke NC after over a year. Or, who took their A underground while playing the remorseful WS here on SI. So, no, you're not terrible. Admitting it was brave.

Did you tell BH about it? Maybe you're hoping this is the straw that breaks the camels back, and consequently he'll end the M so you don't have to.

Decide if you want this M or not, and act accordingly.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TK:

The aftermath of infidelity sucks. This helped my husband -- our MC said, "When you think that you are missing the AP, remind yourself, you are just missing the feeling that AP gave you -- not her." That turned out to be SO true. Even though we were all friends, my H barely knew the AP, really. It was the ego-kibbles and adoration she gave him that he loved. It felt too good to give up, until he went lower and lower and it took more and more to feel good.

It is like a drug - you are trying to go to your "happy place," because quite frankly, life stinks right now. But, it is like trying to drink your way through a problem -- it just gets worse.

Can you shut off whatever line of communication you had with the AP? (close the email account, block the #, etc.")? What are your plans, now?

P.S> I agree that you should tell your husband, but not while he is drinking.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
newdaytomorrow
♂ New Member
Member # 44129
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I encourage you to tell your husband and show him the message. Plus any communication from the AP. I did this once and my wife needed to see it when I told her. Work with your spouse on this issue.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: OH
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.

the suck it up part is for those that want to save their M. not this
I may have done it because I am just about done with this marriage.

you are only 6 weeks out right? My advice is to make full attempt for at least 4-6 months. then decide. I didn't even come clean for 8 weeks. So give it time. Come here to vent. talk to him about his yelling at you. You should not be abused. Although there is leeway in my book for the BS for a while.

He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.

This ^^^^^^^ is why you contacted your AP. TO FEEL LOVE. Guess what.....Love is an action not a feeling.

Hang in there.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Lostcat
♀ New Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really tough - I did exactly the same thing as you several times. Getting in touch with AP was my default coping mechanism when BH got angry. It's true what the other posters are saying - it's your way of coping and of making yourself feel better. Getting some positive attention.

You need to figure out what you want, which takes time. And NC!! Believe me, I speak from experience, without a good long stretch of NC you won't know. It actually took separation from BH for me to see what I really wanted to fight for.

It's difficult when you're living with anger and you have already lived with that anger before the A. You don't know if you're ever going to live without anger, especially now you have done this. I don't know what to suggest except AP is definitely not the answer right now. It's tough your BH is refusing IC - it helped my BH a lot with his anger issues.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014
trip3
♂ New Member
Member # 44441
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you done with the marriage or are you done with feeling like shit? I have a feeling that it is the latter, not the former.

You're going to feel like a scumbag for a while. Your BH is probably going to think of you as a scumbag for a while. You destroyed him and made him feel like less of a man. Feeling this way doesn't give you a free pass to contact the AP.

You've got some work to do, some digging to do, and a bit of anger to put up with. Your BH needs to go to IC. Maker's Mark is just about the worst counselor in the world. If alcohol were a great therapist, there wouldn't be anyone in rehab.


Me: WH 34
Her: BW 30 (Margypan)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to let you all know how much I truly appreciate all of your responses. Each and every one if has been helpful. I told BH I was done and that I broke NC. He left work early and we cried and yelled for a couple hours. We talked about separating. We are going to continue as we are, not separating, and we are going to continue working toward reconciliation. I am in the waiting room for IC, so this message is not very thorough or well written.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2014
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was brave to tell, good on you. Hope you have a good session with your IC!


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 86 | Registered: Apr 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brave Tangled Knot! Way to go
..Hang in there. We're here for you. (Sounds like your H is, too.)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done honey.

My STBXH had similar coping mechanisms and he ended up giving upon us, only 3 months after disclosing more TT (2 months after his AP contacted him, something changed then). He didn't want to be that man anymore IYSWIM. With the AP and her friends, he could be someone else. But even though he's gone and we're D'ing, he is still that person and he knows it.

Now his attention seems focused on rebuilding his outward reputation/image and on passive aggressively bad mouthing me (which screams that he is unhappy with himself & is projecting that onto me,exp as I'm in NC with him apart from kids & money, & don't rise to anything). But he has done nothing towards fixing himself. And I suspect that's because he wishes it would all just go away. Because he doesn't want to face himself or what he's done.

He promised me that he wouldn't make any decisions for the first year. He broke that promise too.

Please don't be like him. Please spend time working on yourself,getting IC and really working at it (not lip service like my STBXH did). Maybe R will work for you, maybe it won't,but you will be able to face yourself and know you didn't run away. You will know that you worked hard and are a different person than the one who cheated, IF you do the hard work.

BTW, love can be regained in a M. I've seen it happen with very close friends of mine, but only with complete and permanent NC with the AP.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 994 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choose loving thoughts
Choose loving actions

then good *feelings* will follow


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TK,

When you wrote the letter, what was the one thing you were hoping to gain when you did it?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4866 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like a huge failure this morning.

My decision to break NC was impulsive. I had no intention of doing it when I woke up that morning. I do struggle with missing him, and a lot if days I am white knuckling it. It's been increasingly hard, I think, because things between me and my BS have been increasingly bad. I tip toe around my house and cannot relax when he is around.

Plus, AP has had a huge professional win recently, and so his name and organization keep coming up in my email and in conversation with coworkers. I helped him with this accomplishment. So, I have been triggering at work. I think that led to my weakness.

What was I hoping to gain when I wrote the letter? I Think Dr Jekyll nailed it - I wanted to feel love. I am so low, so lonely, so ashamed; I hate myself. I wanted to feel good, but I realize it's like a recovering junkie who slides.

Softcentre, I don't want to be like your WH. I am so tired of being this weak person. I really, really want to change. I feel totally incompetent. Prior to my slip, I felt like I was doing pretty good. I haven't TT my BH.

I need hope.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2014
Lostcat
♀ New Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TK, please know you're not alone. I have been in exactly the same place as you and I promise you, it gets better and it gets much easier. I have had real NC with AP for nearly 6 months now (I kept breaking it before for the same reasons as you) and it's fine, I feel stronger, I feel clear-headed, I feel like I am finally sorting myself out. Just hang in there and find something else you can do when you feel that urge to break NC. Whether or not you and your BH make it is a separate issue and one you can only understand when AP is totally out of the picture.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the chemical reactions in our head about the AP go away we must realize that what we are remembering is more of a drug high that real love.

The chemicals are akin to opiates. As an addict I have to be on guard for thinking those false feelings were real.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2014
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you slipped, but it sounds like you can recover from it. Stay strong in this tough time!


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 284 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.