BH has long standing anger issues. The last two weeks our MC has strongly encouraged him to seek out individual counseling, which he refuses. Instead, he is running to makers mark. It is very confusing - seems like due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.
No one here will believe it, but I have been TRYING MY BEST to be comforting, to do all he asks, to show compassion, to fix myself. He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.
Sorry, I just had to confess and vent. Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.
Even without your marriage, is the AP someone you really want?
Probably not. Keep that in mind as you try to maintain NC.
Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.
I'm not going to tell you how terrible you are, you know what you did was not good.
The real matter here is how do you plan to treat your marriage going forward?
Like something you want to keep or something you want to throw away?
Change isn't going to happen over night, and your husband is going to be angry for a very long time. No you shouldn't be accepting verbal abuse, but running to the AP every time your husband gets mad, you need to dig deeper to find out why you're doing that. As I said, don't sabotage reconciliation just for the sake of ending the marriage, you're only damaging yourself further.
Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am
You are not terrible. You need to work on better coping skills, self confidence, and self worth. Are you also in IC? Don't give up on you, for you.
Did you tell BH about it? Maybe you're hoping this is the straw that breaks the camels back, and consequently he'll end the M so you don't have to.
Decide if you want this M or not, and act accordingly.
The aftermath of infidelity sucks. This helped my husband -- our MC said, "When you think that you are missing the AP, remind yourself, you are just missing the feeling that AP gave you -- not her." That turned out to be SO true. Even though we were all friends, my H barely knew the AP, really. It was the ego-kibbles and adoration she gave him that he loved. It felt too good to give up, until he went lower and lower and it took more and more to feel good.
It is like a drug - you are trying to go to your "happy place," because quite frankly, life stinks right now. But, it is like trying to drink your way through a problem -- it just gets worse.
Can you shut off whatever line of communication you had with the AP? (close the email account, block the #, etc.")? What are your plans, now?
P.S> I agree that you should tell your husband, but not while he is drinking.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.
I may have done it because I am just about done with this marriage.
you are only 6 weeks out right? My advice is to make full attempt for at least 4-6 months. then decide. I didn't even come clean for 8 weeks. So give it time. Come here to vent. talk to him about his yelling at you. You should not be abused. Although there is leeway in my book for the BS for a while.
He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.
Hang in there.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
You need to figure out what you want, which takes time. And NC!! Believe me, I speak from experience, without a good long stretch of NC you won't know. It actually took separation from BH for me to see what I really wanted to fight for.
It's difficult when you're living with anger and you have already lived with that anger before the A. You don't know if you're ever going to live without anger, especially now you have done this. I don't know what to suggest except AP is definitely not the answer right now. It's tough your BH is refusing IC - it helped my BH a lot with his anger issues.
You're going to feel like a scumbag for a while. Your BH is probably going to think of you as a scumbag for a while. You destroyed him and made him feel like less of a man. Feeling this way doesn't give you a free pass to contact the AP.
You've got some work to do, some digging to do, and a bit of anger to put up with. Your BH needs to go to IC. Maker's Mark is just about the worst counselor in the world. If alcohol were a great therapist, there wouldn't be anyone in rehab.
My STBXH had similar coping mechanisms and he ended up giving upon us, only 3 months after disclosing more TT (2 months after his AP contacted him, something changed then). He didn't want to be that man anymore IYSWIM. With the AP and her friends, he could be someone else. But even though he's gone and we're D'ing, he is still that person and he knows it.
Now his attention seems focused on rebuilding his outward reputation/image and on passive aggressively bad mouthing me (which screams that he is unhappy with himself & is projecting that onto me,exp as I'm in NC with him apart from kids & money, & don't rise to anything). But he has done nothing towards fixing himself. And I suspect that's because he wishes it would all just go away. Because he doesn't want to face himself or what he's done.
He promised me that he wouldn't make any decisions for the first year. He broke that promise too.
Please don't be like him. Please spend time working on yourself,getting IC and really working at it (not lip service like my STBXH did). Maybe R will work for you, maybe it won't,but you will be able to face yourself and know you didn't run away. You will know that you worked hard and are a different person than the one who cheated, IF you do the hard work.
BTW, love can be regained in a M. I've seen it happen with very close friends of mine, but only with complete and permanent NC with the AP.
then good *feelings* will follow
When you wrote the letter, what was the one thing you were hoping to gain when you did it?
My decision to break NC was impulsive. I had no intention of doing it when I woke up that morning. I do struggle with missing him, and a lot if days I am white knuckling it. It's been increasingly hard, I think, because things between me and my BS have been increasingly bad. I tip toe around my house and cannot relax when he is around.
Plus, AP has had a huge professional win recently, and so his name and organization keep coming up in my email and in conversation with coworkers. I helped him with this accomplishment. So, I have been triggering at work. I think that led to my weakness.
What was I hoping to gain when I wrote the letter? I Think Dr Jekyll nailed it - I wanted to feel love. I am so low, so lonely, so ashamed; I hate myself. I wanted to feel good, but I realize it's like a recovering junkie who slides.
Softcentre, I don't want to be like your WH. I am so tired of being this weak person. I really, really want to change. I feel totally incompetent. Prior to my slip, I felt like I was doing pretty good. I haven't TT my BH.
I need hope.
The chemicals are akin to opiates. As an addict I have to be on guard for thinking those false feelings were real.