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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know what to do.
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS grew up bare footing, slalom and skiing with his Dad and has always wanted our kids to learn.

Years before my A, when our DS was 6 months old, we lived in the South and our daughters were 5 and 6 years old. The closest lake to us was 2 hours from house to in the water. At the time, my BH was working many weeks/day/nights away from us. He wanted something to relax on and re-live the days that brought so much joy to him as a child. Unfortunately, I did not grow up around boats and did not have the experience of driving and knowledge of pulling skiers. In addition to this, the boat was not kid friendly for our situation. I couldn't drive the boat for him to ski while holding a six month old and watching 5 and 6 year olds. He was very bitter and defeated on the day we had to sell the boat.

Fast forward to today, we now live up North closer to water (both a river and a few lakes). Shortly after DDay, my BS bought an extremely expensive ski boat. He stated that he was tired of giving a shit about how I felt with boats and bought our current boat. I was actually excited about the purchase, and over the past 2 years have actively supported him with teaching our DD to barefoot, even buying part of the barefoot boom with my own money. We always have enjoyed lake areas, but I have always admitted to him that I was a bit terrified of the local water because both places had their downfalls and would love to educate our family about these hazards so we could feel more comfortable. He also knows that sometimes he gets overly eager at trying out new things and overlooks safety. He's not intentionally doing it, but when I gently bring it up, he often gets defensive and angry about it. At the time, he agreed that this would be perfect way to help me feel more comfortable with boating. We both felt relieved that we had found a solution.

However, once the summer came, he never followed through with any of these plans. The river is large and filled with many HUGE boats that produce up to 4 foot wakes. I've worked hard to be comfortable with this, but even at times, he's admitted to scaring himself when out on the boat alone that he did not see the large waves in time.

It wasn't until after that happened that he finally agreed to steer clear of the the river on the weekends since it was too full of large boats and heavy drinkers, we'd learn the ropes during the week (which is when he is usually home from work anyway) and avoid the areas with high boat traffic.

Today, however, was a new area for us. This meant new anxiety for me because it is unknown. The lake that we went to this morning has areas of 2.5-4 foot water on most of the lake, but he wanted our DD to ski on it. My mom radar was waving HUGE flags and I begged him to tour the lake with the depth finder before we set out in order to feel more comfortable. He told me I didn't know what I was talking about basically went where I asked to "please" me and then said I must be PMSing (even though I never yelled or was angry, only concerned), the rest of the day he's been so angry, mad and now is clearly triggering.

I feel awful because the whole point of the last two boating trips were to give him days to relax. (I picked him up from work and had the boat ready to go, we spent all day yesterday on the river and then half of today on the lake).

I feel defeated. I don't know how to continue to ask him to help me feel safe on the boat when every time we go he gets frustrated and angry with my fear. This is something I want to be a part of with him, but it's going to take time.

What can I do to change? I keep doing everything wrong. I want this to be special between us like he does, but with realistic expectations.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 4:16 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The answer is in the middle. You have to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable and he needs to be a little less wreckless. But the question is can you both move toward the middle? Understandably he is going to want to do things that he wants. Maybe by explaining to him that if you cannot grow in your comfort, then you won't be able to pull him. So that will be a lose lose situation.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply DrJekyll. You're right. It's in the middle, but I don't feel like I should even ask for that sometimes because I don't deserve to ask, especially when I see him triggering over these things. I can see his thought process change to "why do I even bother with her?"

I guess that's where I felt defeated. I have gently tried to let him know this before, but he pigeon holes and remembers past discussions without seeing that I'm trying to change. In yesterday's moment, I had to stop him and softly explain that the moment that I needed him to teach me to drive him for the first time and then a few minutes later I had to clarify that skiing behind me in a shallow lake with our 6 and 13 year old on board watching was beyond my comfort zone; I needed him on the boat, beside me when making quick half turns at 30 mph crossing the wake. Unfortunately, after this happened, we were both nervous wreck, and for different reasons. We quickly gave up when I didn't get it right after 2 tries.

We are heading out for a camping trip today with neighbors, but I'm hoping to suggest the other lake that is a little further out and deeper for our next trip and a lesson for driving sans kids the next time we go.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 6:17 AM, August 15th (Friday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe explaining that you need driving lessons a few times till you are comfortable. And then driving while pulling him again no kids. Until you are comfortable. Would help. You need to speak up. Set boundaries. This is part of healing. Learning to set boundaries and them enforcing them.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ nailed it.

On a broader level, realize that you and your H are not going to agree on everything. And that is OK. Learn to talk about those things and learn to compromise. Learn to accept each others' personalities for what they are. That's probably one of the things that attracted you to him, and vice versa.

In C, we were reminded that many times the things that we thought were positives in our partner we grow to exaggerate and then resent. For me, my BW is always the solid, organized one. That is wonderful for me, because I need someone to ground me. When things got bad, that turned into BW is boring and doesn't want to do anything.

I have remembered now why I love those qualities about her. I bet the same thing happens to you and your BH with your "caution" and your BH's "energy."


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
RMarred
♂ Member
Member # 44242
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Threads like these.. all I can say is "thank you". They help me feel not as alone, not as irrational. To read:
For me, my BW is always the solid, organized one. That is wonderful for me, because I need someone to ground me. When things got bad, that turned into "BW is boring and doesn't want to do anything".

I have remembered now why I love those qualities about her. I bet the same thing happens to you and your BH with your "caution" and your BH's "energy."

...well, that just mirrors how I've felt in the past, and indeed, regrettably have felt many, many a time throughout my relationship history.

Thank you for shedding light on what is likely a recurring issue with me.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14

I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can I do to change? I keep doing everything wrong. I want this to be special between us like he does, but with realistic expectations.

I feel defeated. I don't know how to continue to ask him to help me feel safe on the boat when every time we go he gets frustrated and angry with my fear. This is something I want to be a part of with him, but it's going to take time.

Maybe I'm way off here but I don't see this as your issue to correct but his. Trust and feeling safe go both ways and your fear is valid and obviously not easy to over come. And as someone who feels the same way about lakes and boats, I believe you need to stand your ground on this and in a respectful way, insist on BH following through with the plan you agreed on.


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 7

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